


Alin athlan Vhenas

by Lothiriel Lavellan (floragm)



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Canon Compliant, Dalish Elves, Dragon Age: Inquisition Spoilers, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Lyrium Withdrawal, My First Fanfic, POV Cullen Rutherford, POV Female Character, Romance, in game dialogues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-09-02 03:24:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 80,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8649658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/floragm/pseuds/Lothiriel%20Lavellan
Summary: Even though she never asked for it, she went from First of her Clan to Inquisitor Lothiriel Lavellan. To save Thedas, she had to give up on many things and people she dearly loved. Thankfully, where she was headed, she would find another (weird) family. Inquisitor Lavellan/Commander Cullen romance.In-game dialogue and conversations.Of course, if a chapter is NSFW, I will tell you about it in the note at the beginning :)*fic title translation : "Someone to call Home" or "the Place where the Heart is"





	1. Dareth shiral, Da'lan

**Author's Note:**

> It's my first fanfic ever. I love reading fanfics so I thought I would give it a try, although I have absolutely no idea on how it will turn out in the end ! :D  
> Please feel free to tell me what you like and what you don't, any criticism is welcome ! Also, do not hesitate to correct me : english is not my first language so there will be mistakes for sure...
> 
> Also, you'll find a translation of any long sentence written in elven in the note at the end !
> 
> Thank you very much, and I hope you'll enjoy :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dalish elf learns that she will be leaving her clan very soon because of a very important and special mission.

“Valyh' !”

She ran as fast as she could to catch up with the 5 year-old girl. _'How can kids be so fast and so clumsy at the same time ?'_ , she thought. Valyhris slowed down to take a glimpse behind her, and that was her very big mistake. She was suddenly lifted off the ground and was now facing a quite angry Lothiriel with her feet dangling in the air. “How many times do I have to tell you to be careful?!” The young woman was both relieved and exasperated, her heart still pounding at a dangerous pace. “Just because you are with me does not mean that you are safe, da'lan. Do not run without looking where you put your feet, you could slip and fall into the ravine.” Even though she was frowning, her voice was soft and gentle. She couldn't be a mother to her niece, but she did her best to shower her with love. Lothiriel would often try to slip away from her duties as First of the Clan to spend some time with her. There wasn't any other kid in the clan for now and she didn't want her to feel alone. She deserved a good childhood, just as any other child. “And _that_ is just an example of what could happen”. With a knee on the ground, she was holding Valyhris by the shoulders. The child was looking down at her feet, probably feeling guilty, especially since it wasn't the first time. "I am not mad, but I do expect that you remember next time. Come on now, let us head back before Keeper Deshanna and the hahrens worry. And we wouldn't want that, would we ?”  
“You never care when they get angry because of _you_...”  
“This is exactly why you should not act like me, Valyhris.”

***

When they got back, Lothiriel had to face a very impatient Keeper who had been waiting for her to speak about 'important matters'. She had been Keeper Deshanna's apprentice for a very long time and didn't have much left to learn. She knew everything there was to know about the elven lore and religion, and also knew how to write the elven language (which was a secret art, passed down from Keeper to First only). As for her magical abilities, they were no longer underestimated. She had demonstrated more than once that she was not only a capable mage but also a very talented one. On paper, everything pointed at the fact that she was perfectly fit to step into the Keeper's shoes, in due time. As a hard-worker, she had always done her best to learn everything and be the best apprentice for Keeper Deshanna. But if she used to be a model student when it came down to learning, she also used to be the worst for everything else. She would always speak her mind whenever she disagreed with the hahrens, and she would disappear for hours without warning anyone to do only the Gods knew what. For a dalish, she used to be quite the difficult child but she had grown into a beautiful strong woman. What was once seen as disrespect was now a sign of strong will and authority. She would still get remarks - especially from the elders - anytime she would get a little sassy but in the end, they all loved her. She was the First of the clan, and she would be a strong Keeper some day.

“I hope you two didn't get too far from the camp.” The slow but firm voice of Keeper Deshanna reached her ears and snatched her out of her thoughts. She disapproved of their walks, obviously. “Don't worry, we never venture far.” The silence that followed was long but not awkward. Lothiriel had spent most of her life at Keeper Deshanna's side, they were used to being together in silence: they didn't need to constantly talk to each other to feel close. “Do you remember what we discussed the other day, about the war opposing templars to mages ?” Lothiriel simply nodded. “I fear it is growing and becoming more dangerous everyday. Our hunters were able to spy on a few of them. They have gone mad, da'lan. They have gone mad.”

For once, Lothiriel stayed silent. This was serious. If mages and templars were loosing their minds, it could mean danger for them. Keeper Deshanna and herself were the only mages in the clan, and they usually were in good terms with humans but that would not protect them from an attack, should there be one. And the last time the clan had to face templars, it went horridly wrong. “Knowing you, I imagine you already understand what this could mean for us. We will never be strong enough to defend ourselves; we must be prepared.” Athlen, the best hunter of the clan and Lothiriel's best friend, was strong enough to match a templar but against an entire group of them, he would die, without a doubt. The thought of it sent down (the bad kind of) shivers down her spine. Keeper Deshanna wasn't underestimating their forces: she was simply telling the truth.

“We learnt that a conclave will be held in a few weeks at what the humans call the Temple of Sacred Ashes, atop the Frostback Mountains.” She turned to look at her dear apprentice. “As First of the clan, it is your duty to go there and gather as much information as you possibly can.” They both knew that being First of the clan was indeed one of the reasons she was sent out there... But the main one was that, out of all the clan members, she was the one who possessed most knowledge about humans. As a kid, how many times had she sneaked out of the camp to spy on some merchants ? And as an adult, how many times did she sneak out of the camp to visit the nearest village (or city if she had time), ears and vallaslin hidden under a hood? She was the boldest, this mission was for her.

“I will do my best. I swear.”

“I know, da'lan. We must protect the clan, you and I.”

***

“It is time for you to go to bed now”, said one of the elders whose main role was to take care of the children; in the case of the Lavellan clan: the lonely Valyhris. As any child being told to go to sleep, she tried to talk her way out of it, without success. “I will only go if Lothiriel sings to me.” The young woman couldn't help but smile at the pouty face. Going off on her own had been one of her many dreams since she was a child, and she had to admit that going so far south when the clan had never left the Free Marches was exciting, but this face... She would miss this face.

“Come on then, what are you waiting for, 'Pouty' ?” To the look on her face, all could tell that Valyhris's plan didn't go as expected. Obviously, she had waited for her aunt to refuse, so that she could have some additional time with the clan, around the fire. She followed nonetheless, dragging her feet and saying goodbye very slowly to everyone. Lothiriel was glad to feel the warmth of the aravel she shared with Keeper Deshanna and the child. It wasn't the biggest aravel of the clan, but it was more than enough for the needs of the three of them. She soaked a cloth in water and quickly rubbed it on a bar of soap before giving it to the kid. She watched her every move, making sure she wouldn't forget any area to wash. How proud she was to see her niece being so meticulous, even with something as simple as washing herself. She then put her to bed. 

“Do not even try to bargain with me using your sweet little green eyes that I am so jealous of.” She stroke the child's hair, enjoying every second of the touch. She was trying to engrave the softness of it in her memory. “Valyhris... There is something I must tell you. The clan needs me to go somewhere very far from here, it is very important. We won't be together for a few weeks.” The smile on the usually happy face – and sometimes pouty – faded completely. “I need you to understand that I am not leaving you behind, I will come back. I just don't know exactly when yet. And I promise that I will write you letters as often as possible; Keeper Deshanna or Athlen will read them to you.” She was still stroking her hair and cheeks when she felt her hand getting slightly wet.

“Oh Valyh', come here.” She took her into her arms. “Everything will be fine you'll see; I will go, do what I have to do, and come back. You won't even notice I was gone. I'll even have Athlen play with you, wouldn't you like it? I know you like him.” — “No, I don't”, she replied, sniffing and pouting at the same time. “Oh, I see. So you wouldn't mind him bonding with-”   
“No ! He said he wouldn't be with anyone but me!” The little girl put her hands on her mouth, as if she had said too much. They both laughed at how silly they were and ended the conversation on a good note. That moment was precious; it will travel with her, she will treasure it, always. Valyhris reminded her of the song she had promised, and requested for Lothiriel to sing « Mir Da'len Somniar », a traditonal dalish lullaby.

“ _Elgara vallas, da'len. Melava somniar. Mala tara aravas ara ma'desen melar.”*_ Her eyes were almost fully closed. She was still fighting the urge to sleep but soon, she would find herself in a world of childish dreams. “ _Tel'enfenim, da'len. Irassal ma ghilas, ma garas mir renan. Ara ma'athlan vhenas.”*_

***

She quietly closed the door and made her way back to the campfire. She was stopped by a voice coming from behind her, whispering and asking her to follow. She recognized Athlen's voice and disappeared into the darkness before the other members of the clan could notice her. “Where are we going?”, she asked before feeling stupid to whisper even though there wasn't a single soul around to hear them. “I don't know.” _What?_ “Are you serious?”   
“I know you're going to leave us. For an unknown amount of time. I just want us to spend some time together, away from the clan I mean.” — “You should be aware that if you ever try to kiss me, I'll kick you where it hurts.” He puffed in his scarf. “That would never happen, it's disgusting.” They walked for another five minutes and finally reached the river bench. There was an enormous tree there and its roots were perfect for them to sit on. Far up in the sky, the crescent moon was struggling to light the plain. Thankfully, it was helped by more than a million stars.

“Did you tell Valyhris already?”   
“I did, as a bedtime story.” She didn't want to talk about it. It was hard enough to leave her behind for so long.   
“You know that I'll take care of her, right?”   
“Of course I do. Let me wish you good luck: the kid's in love with you, she won't leave your side. Ever.” Their laughs echoed in the silence of the night. That would most certainly be true.

“Lothiriel.” _Please, no._ “Is it going to be a serious talk? I already had one with Keeper Deshanna today, I don't know if I can survive two.”   
“You _will_ survive, it's not that bad, you'll see.” She sighed. “Fine. Go on. You have 3 minutes.” He didn't speak right away though. It looked like he was searching for his words. “Time is passing you kn-”   
“Please, don't do anything stupid.” His eyes were pleading her to listen to him, to be careful. He was scared, she could feel it. They were both twenty-four years old and had been raised by the clan as if they were twins, never separated for more than a few days. If the roles were reversed, she would be frightened too.   
“I _never_ do anything stupid...”   
“You do, Lothiriel. You do a lot of stupid things because that head of yours doesn't think fast enough.” — “Hey! That is just mean. You have no right to be mean, I'm the mean one.”   
“Now you're just being childish because you don't want me to worry about you.” — “Well, three minutes have passed which means this conversation is over.” He poked her forehead, as he so often did.

“Don't do anything stupid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sun sets, little one. Time to dream. Your mind journeys but I will hold you here.  
> * Never fear, little one. Wherever you shall go, follow my voice. I will call you home.  
> The lullaby is from the second World of Thedas book. If you don't know it yet, try listening to this AMAZING vocal adaptation that I just LOVE : https://youtu.be/Zl3CmzQY1So?list=PLnUeYStd8RbDcuA7WNP8wVfrdsurhP-2t 
> 
> At first, I wanted to reveal Lothiriel's life as a dalish with flashbacks later in the fic but then... I thought it would be cool to start by showing a bit of her life right before the Conclave, in order to then dive into the story knowing what she's leaving behind. 
> 
> Thank you very much for taking an interest and I hope you liked chapter 1 enough to check chapter 2 ! :D


	2. There's a freaking hole in the sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See title (I can't summarize better than that)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing special in this chapter. Just getting into the story :)

The pain Lothiriel felt was immeasurable. It looked like she had fallen asleep, but she couldn't help but scream while waking up. It was as if her hand was burning from the inside. The pain left as fast as it came. The young elf took this opportunity to take a big breath and... Wait, where was she ? She could feel the hard and extremely cold stone on her back, even though she had several layers of clothing. She slowly opened her eyes, and tried to use her hands to help herself get up. Shackles ? She managed to sit and take a look around. There was just a single torch to light up the entire room and... Four men pointing their swords at her ?! She had never seen one before, but Lothiriel was pretty sure she was currently locked up in a cell somewhere. Under _maximum_ security.

The word 'scared' wasn't strong enough to explain how she felt at the moment: she was terrified. Trying to concentrate and remember what had happened brought no result as nothing came to her mind. She was completely lost. The tingling in her hand became pain, and she screamed again. The glow lighted up the entire room and not knowing what it was made it even worse. Breathing heavily, she could feel her heart beat. It nearly stopped when the door violently opened. A woman came in. She was tall and wearing an armor that didn't seem to belong to templars, mages or any other group she knew of (well, she didn't know many to be honest). An impressive sword was hanging at her side. Lothiriel couldn't see well in the dark but it seemed that she had black hair, cut short, and a sort of braid maybe. Then, out of nowhere, a hooded woman appeared and simply watched from a corner of the room. What did they want from her? What was happening to her hand? What was she accused of? She had no recollection of doing anything wrong.

“Tell me why we shouldn't kill you now.”

Lothiriel swallowed hard, not knowing what to say to not ruin her chances of staying alive. She was reckless, she knew she was, but not entirely stupid: she wanted to live, the idea of dying so young was frightening. Right now, the woman with the sword could take her life in an instant, and she wouldn't even be able to defend herself.

“The Conclave is destroyed. Everyone who attended is _dead_. Except... For _you._ ”   
“What? Wait... You think I'm responsible ?” But she barely remembered anything!

It was only after she spoke that she grasped the meaning of what she'd just heard. The Conclave was destroyed. She didn't even have time to think further before the woman in armor grabbed her hand and asked her to explain what it was. Lothiriel was scared, but she still had to fight the urge to sarcastically answer the question, since she was pretty sure they knew more about it than herself.

“I- I can't” was all she said instead. “I don't know what that is, or how it even got there !” Being grabbed and shaken while being called a liar only worsened her growing headache. Thankfully, the hooded woman stepped in.

“Cassandra ! We need her.” She then turned to face Lothiriel.

“Do you remember what happened ? How this began ?” Lothiriel closed her eyes and tried to gather all of her memories. There wasn't much.

“I remember running... Things... were chasing me and... A woman? She reached out to me...” She sighed, unable to remember more. It was so frustrating. She wanted to know so badly, there had to be an explanation for all of this. The women then exchanged some words, and the “Cassandra” lady finally freed her from the hurtful shackles... only to tie her hands with a thin rope. The elf managed to ask what had happened but the only answer she got was that it would just be easier for her to see with her own eyes.

And Lothiriel had to close them as soon as the big wooden door opened. Some strange light was reflecting on the snow and made it even brighter. She blinked a few times to adapt to the light and have a better look. Her thoughts were cut by the sound of some sort of explosion. She covered her head with her arms, just in case, and when nothing happened, she finally looked up to where the sound and light seemed to be coming from. The sky was... torn. It looked like a hole had been made and some green and odd texture was coming out of it. Her hand had shined the same way just a few minutes before... No wonder they believed her to be guilty of all of this mess. Whatever this was, it was certainly terrifying and the menacing clouds did nothing to change that. _Quite the apocalyptic view_.

“We call it the Breach.” The woman appeared to be a little less aggressive. “It's a massive rift into the world of demons that grows larger with each passing hour. It's not the only rift, just the largest. All were caused by the explosion at the conclave.”

Lothiriel was shocked. “An- An explosion can do _that_?”

“This one did. Unless we act, the Breach may grow until it swallows the world.”

This was dangerous, and this was linked to her freaking hand. Speaking of which, the pain rushed through it again, pulling her to the ground. She clenched her fist and tried to keep it under control, but she knew she would not win this fight. The pain left just as it had before, on its own, only to come back later.

“Each time the Breach expands, your mark spreads and it is killing you. It may be the key to stopping this but there isn't much time.”

What a beautiful and tactful way to announce to someone that they're dying. Lothiriel wished she could be brave enough to accept the news with dignity but it wasn't the case. She was scared, and she wanted to live. She had a family to go back to, they were waiting for her to come home, she couldn't let them down. She couldn't let Valyhris down. The kid had lost too many people already.

“If I do what you want, will I live through it?”, she asked, her eyes pleading. She knew deep down that the warrior didn't have the answer but she needed to be reassured. She needed someone to tell her that she would survive this.

“We have no way of knowing” was all she said. Feeling defeated, Lothiriel didn't oppose any resistance when she was forced to stand up. They passed through a camp, and it very much felt like a walk of fame. The looks that people gave her were full of threat and hatred. She wanted to run and hide, to avoid all of this. She was told that not a single person believed in her innocence, that they all thought she was responsible for the death of the Divine. They were at a bridge when the ropes tying her hands were cut. 

“There will be a trial. I can promise no more.” It took all she had left to stop herself from snorting and making a comment about how she could already be dead by the time of the trial.

“Your mark must be tested on something smaller than the Breach.”

Lothiriel didn't say a word. She didn't have any choice but to follow the warrior. If she ran away, she wouldn't be able to survive anyway. Some soldiers opened another big wooden door; they were apparently headed into the valley. On the way, she learnt that she had come out of a rift, with a woman behind her, before falling unconscious. Problem was, she had absolutely no idea of how she ended up inside one in the first place. Another bridge they were crossing collapsed under them. Lothiriel quickly rose on her feet, feeling somewhat lucky to have survived the fall. _Some extra time to live, how wonderful,_ she thought. But not for long. Some weird creatures appeared, and she was told to stay still. Yeah right, as if. She might have been dying, but it did not mean she should not defend herself if necessary. She looked around, searching for anything that could be useful, and she found the most perfect tool. She didn't think twice and grabbed the staff she found just in time to hit a demon that was getting awfully close to her with the stick. Unfortunately, the staff didn't have a blade. She jumped back to get away and defeated the demon with a few more spells – fucking ice staff, she was more of a fire staff person really – while making sure to always keep a good distance between them. The little battle seemed to be over. Lothiriel sighed in relief, her heart still racing. This had been her very first time fighting against demons.

“Drop your weapon. Now.” This time, she lost it. She had been polite and docile since the very beginning – always keeping to herself her sarcastic remarks even though she was scared to death – and this woman was still suspicious of her.

“Do you really think I need a staff to be dangerous ?!” It wasn't a threat. She was just stating a fact, but she could see that the warrior was quite displeased by this answer. Well... Suck it. She was dying, and therefore, she had the right to say whatever she wanted. Right ?

“Is that supposed to reassure me ?” — “Well, I haven't used my magic on you yet.” The tension was more than palpable. A little more, and it could actually be seen. The woman finally gave in.

“Ugh, you're right. You don't need a staff, but you should have one. I cannot protect you.” Exactly. _And apparently, you need my hand to close that thing so alive me is a little more useful than dead me_.

“I should remember you agreed to come willingly”.

***

They met a lot of demons along the way; it was quite the invasion from the Fade. The mark hurt more often, but she was used to it now. She was getting better at ignoring the pain. They eventually found a dwarf and an elf fighting a group a demons. Cassandra and Lothiriel helped in the fight and as soon as all the demons were killed, the bald elf took her hand and directed it toward the small rift. The mark reacted to it, and the light became even more vivid. The sensation was completely new. She couldn't say it hurt doing this; it was tickling. Only a few seconds later, a little explosion occurred. It had disappeared. The small rift was gone.

“What did you do ?”, her voice was soft. She was more curious about what had just happened than angry at the stranger for doing all of this without her consent.

“I did nothing, the credit is yours.” She gazed at the deadly mark and massaged her hand. “At least, this is good for something.”

“Whatever magic opened the Breach in the sky also placed that mark upon your hand. I theorized the mark might be able to close the rifts that have opened in the Breach's wake – and it seems I was correct.”

“Meaning it could also close the Breach itself”, Cassandra added. This guy seemed to know a lot of things. He didn't have to speak much for Lothiriel to picture him as a deep well of knowledge (with a little note of arrogance).

“It seems you hold the key to our salvation”, he said. She smiled at him, even though she didn't know if it relieved more than it scared her.

“That's good to know.” The deep voice startled her, and she turned around to see who was talking. It was the dwarf. “Here I thought we'd be ass-deep in demons forever.”

She couldn't help but smile, sincerely this time. He presented himself as Varric Tethras, rogue and storyteller. She could see the rogue part by the crossbow in his back but... Storyteller ? If she survived this, she would definitely ask about that. She couldn't help herself but laugh a little when she learnt that he had named his crossbow Bianca. They didn't have much time, and left immediately. She understood that Cassandra did not like Varric one bit, but more importantly, that the elf's name was Solas and that he had watched over her – or more precisely over the mark – when she was still unconscious. Cassandra mentioned that he was an apostate, like her. As a dalish, she didn't see herself as an apostate at all but she kept the thought to herself. Apparently, Solas dedicated his life to learning as much as possible about the Fade. She had to admit that she was impressed, and if there was any way for her to learn something from him, she would take her chance. While they were running to reach the forward camp, Lothiriel felt a little warmer: these guys were actually _friendly_. All she had received for now were looks full of hatred. With them, she found enough strength to smile somehow. Solas even voiced one of his theories in which she wasn't a mage strong enough to create something such as the Breach. The 'not strong enough' part was kind of hurtful, but at least, she was innocent in his eyes.

***

“As grand Chancellor of the Chantry, I hereby order you to take this criminal to Val Royeaux to face execution!” Of all Thedas, Lothiriel wasn't the most patient young woman and all she wanted to do right now was to punch this stupid guy in the face. Grand chancellor or not, she was a dalish elf, she didn't care about some Chantry guy's orders.

“Order me ? You are a glorified clerk. A bureaucrat !” An argument started between him and Cassandra, and the hooded woman had to interfere, remembering each and everyone that they were serving the Divine, not the Chantry. Lothiriel didn't know enough to grasp the difference, but there was one thing that was surprising. Feeling a little more confident than when she was in that cell, she spoke up.

“Isn't closing the Breach the more pressing issue ?” That did not help at all. The argument just went on. The chancellor wanted them to retreat, Cassandra wanted to charge with the soldiers to reach the Temple, and the hooded woman suggested they go through the mountains. At that exact moment, her hand reacted to the Breach again, attracting attention to her. _Fuck_.

“How do you think we should proceed ?” Uh?

“So now, you're asking me what _I_ think ?” What was wrong with these people. They were extraordinarily bipolar. Apparently, since she had the mark and was the one they had to protect and keep alive, it was her role to make a decision, especially now that they were disagreeing. _What kind of stupid rule is that..._

“Use the mountain path. Work together, you all know what's at stake.” She couldn't believe she actually had to say that aloud when a giant hole in the sky was threatening to destroy the whole freaking world.

 

The mountain was infested with demons. Some scouts had taken this path, it was unlikely they survived. They kept going though, eliminating any menace they encountered... and she couldn't be more wrong about the scouts. They were not all dead. Those who had managed to survive were exhausted but barely injured. She was relieved: if they had charged with the soldiers in the valley, these people would have died alone on that mountain.

They finally arrived at the Temple of Sacred Ashes. The grand and magnificent building was no more. There was nothing left except for... ashes. Oh the irony (if it was a joke from the Gods or the Maker, it wasn't funny).

 

There it was: the rift, the large one. It was gigantic. Lothiriel started to doubt. Would her hand be powerful enough to close this? Would _she_ be powerful enough? And if she did manage to close it, would she survive? Probably not. She thought of her clan, Valyhris, Keeper Deshanna, Athlen. “ _Don't do anything stupid”_. Is closing a big giant rift (pouring out demons) something stupid? She couldn't say.

“This is your chance to end this. Are you ready?”, Cassandra's voice resonated. Was she? No, of course she wasn't. But she had to. She was the only one with a mark after all.

“I'm assuming you have a plan to get me up there ?” Indeed, this rift was located higher than the other ones she had closed until now.

She didn't get an answer, but Solas did mention that closing this rift could help seal the Breach. That was enough motivation for Lothiriel to give everything she had. If she could die from this, then she would do as best she could. They kept moving to find a way to get down there, right beneath the rift. There was lyrium everywhere but it was red. Varric had seen it before. They all agreed on the fact that it was dangerous, and that no one should touch it. She wouldn't want to anyway.

“ **Now is the hour of our victory.”**

They all stopped running. What was that? Who said that? The voice was certainly creepy. Deep and creepy.

“ **Bring forth the sacrifice.”**

Solas put forward another one of his theories: it could belong to the person who created the Breach. It made sense.

“ **Keep the sacrifice still.”**

  * **\- Someone, help me !**




The second voice belonged to Divine Justinia. What did all of this mean? The Divine, a sacrifice? For what purpose exactly, creating the Breach? But who would willingly create something that would destroy the world they all lived in?

“ _ **What's going on here ?**_ "

Wait. That was Lothiriel, that was her. She was there, but she still couldn't remember.

  * **\- Run while you can ! Warn them !**




“ **We have an intruder... Slay the elf** "

Cassandra was freaking out, but she had no answer. She was the key to what happened, she saw it all. If only her memories would come back. According to Solas, the rift was closed for now, but not sealed. He suggested that they opened the rift with the mark, before sealing it properly.

“But... if we open the rift, won't demons from the other side rush through it?”, she asked, worried. He did not refute. “We must stand ready then”.

 

The explosion sent her flying away. She didn't have time to get up, a demon was already there. It was incredibly huge, massive even. His skin seemed to be as hard as any metal and his back was covered in spikes. He had claws instead of nails, multiple eyes (as in way more than two), and a few weird horns. His pointy teeth were as scary as the rest.

“I believe that's a tough one.” Why couldn't he be a small demon like the others that had appeared before? While all the others were attacking the monster, Lothiriel took a few seconds to think about the situation. This beast was strong, they needed to find something, a way to weaken it.

She intensely looked at the rift. That was it! Maybe that would help. She ran until she was right under it and raised her hand to use the mark. She was right, she could see it, she could see the demon struggling. She wanted to last as long as she could, but more demons were coming out of the rift and one of them hit her hard enough to have her fall on her knees. She felt like there was a lack of oxygen but she still had to move, she couldn't stay there. She grabbed her staff – the one she had found earlier – and quickly freezed the demon who was above her. The spell wouldn't last long, but it gave her enough time to back away. She fought alongside two soldiers. They didn't know each other at all but there was no such thing as « getting acquainted » when trying to survive. Once this was done, she sent them to go help Cassandra, Varric and Solas with the demon while she focused on the rift again. Her hand wasn't just tickling this time, it truly hurt, but it didn't matter.  
 _She had to seal it. She had to seal it._

_She had to seal-._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this second chapter :D There's nothing new there, but I liked going over this extremely important part of the game through Lothiriel's eyes :)


	3. Haven, not Heaven, you moron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As a phoenix, the Inquisition rose from the ashes (of the Temple of Sacred Ashes, you know... #BadPun #SorryNotSorry)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slowly getting into the story :) It's really fun going over the game with the fic ! (Also, Cullen makes his first appearance)

The tingling in Lothiriel's hand woke her up. She was laying on something warm and soft. Going from a stone floor and shackles to a comfortable bed in a warm room... That was quite the improvement from last time. She slowly opened her eyes and looked around. The room was simply furbished, with only necessary things. She liked it. It wasn't big nor ostentatious; that was her kind of place. Her clothes were laid on the table. Had someone changed her clothes while she was unconscious and washed her old ones? Her cheeks turned slyly pink at the thought of a stranger seeing her naked. She then took a look at her hand. The mark wasn't shining or anything, for now at least, and she was alive. She was _alive_. The door opened and a young woman, a city elf judging by the lack of vallaslin, entered with a wooden crate. The sound of the box falling to the ground surprised her. Apparently, it had been full of glass bottles; not anymore.

“I- I didn't know you were awake, I swear !” She seemed to be frightened for some reason. She had nothing to be worried about, it was not like she would eat her.

“It's alright, don't worry about it”, she said before giving her the warmest smile she had in store. She wanted to reassure her, but she didn't really know how. The elf then bowed to her, knees on the ground. Lothiriel was completely lost and asked herself why she was doing this.

“I beg your forgiveness and your blessing. I am but a humble servant. You are back in Haven, my lady.” 'Blessing', 'My lady'... The more she listened to her, the more confused she was. “They say you saved us, the Breach stopped growing, just like the mark on your hand.” So it had stopped growing... Good. That was excellent news. But the big question remained: was it sealed?

“It's all anyone has talked about for the last three days.”

Lothiriels raised her eyebrows. She couldn't believe she had been unconscious for three whole days. _Fenedhis_! She wondered how it was even possible to stay unconscious for so long, but it did explain why she was starving. At least she was alive but still. She tried to convince herself that Mythal had granted her three days of sleep to recover, to protect her, but she knew that closing the rift must have been the real cause of her exhaustion. She opened her mouth to thank the elf for all these information and to ask what her name was, but she bolted out of the room before she could say anything, mumbling something about Lady Cassandra wanting to know that she had woken up. That was awkward. Lothiriel stood up and took some time to clean the mess made by the fallen crate. Some bottles of what she believed were healing potions – a human recipe probably – were still intact so she saved them. She also placed the elfroots on the table as elfroots were always useful (#elfroot4life). As much as she liked the clothes she was given (all leathery and stuff, she never owned anything so refined), she changed back into her own ones. Perhaps they were less elegant but she felt good in it: they were both comfortable and warm, and she was pretty sure it was cold outside so warm was what she needed.

As soon as she opened the door, a soldier at the entrance informed her that she was waited for at the chantry. He must have seen the interrogative look on her face because he showed her where it was. _Oh. The big building._ All considered, she could have guessed it on her own. She gratified the soldier with a gentle smile and headed to it. Three days ago (more like yesterday to her), she had been looked at as if she was the cruelest demon in Thedas. Today, she could feel the admiration as she walked by (without shackles, that was not negligible). It was definitely better, but it still made her uncomfortable so she quickly made her way to the chantry. On the way, she heard some people calling her the 'Herald of Andraste'. Was it some kind of title she didn't know about? She would make sure to ask Cassandra about it. She sighed in relief when she finally entered the building. It was just as cold inside but at least she was safe from the wind. She didn't see Cassandra so she took some time to look around. There wasn't much: a long carpet, some tables and chairs, a few barrels and candles every _fucking_ where. It would be as dark as night without them but still, it was a _lot_ of candles. There was no need to be a genius to understand where she was supposed to go. There clearly was an argument behind the last door... She waited a little bit before opening it.

“Chain her, I want her prepared for travel to the capital for trial.”

 _Seriously?!_ Thankfully, Cassandra didn't allow this to happen. The chancellor still wanted her behind bars, dead even. After all she did, was this how he reacted ? _Arse_. She kept silent, and let Cassandra and the hooded woman – she still didn't know her name – talk with him. She was afraid that if she got more involved in this conversation, she would just lose control and punch the man. She had quite a shock when she heard Cassandra say that she was sent by the Maker. Clearly, she had missed her ears... Not only was she an elf, but a Dalish one. At least she understood why she was walled the 'Herald of Andraste' now, they all thought she was some sort of Chosen One. Lothiriel was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't even hear the chancellor leave the room. Only the loud noise made by an impressive book set on the table made her come back to reality.

“As of this moment, I declare the Inquisition reborn.” She felt like she had missed way too many things in just a few seconds.

“Are you trying to start a holy war ?”, she asked.

Cassandra reminded her that they were already at war, and that she was involved, whether she wanted it or not. Both women informed her about what was the Inquisition, and what they intended to do next. She had a choice, they were giving her the opportunity to say no. She could go back to Valyhris, resume her very dalish life. _“Don't do anything stupid.”_ She thought of Athlen's words again. What she was about to do, was it stupid? He would understand. She was needed here, her hand was needed here.

"I understand. If your mission is to restore order, then I'm in."

***

Lothiriel took some time to visit Haven. She found the apothecary, the quartermaster, the merchant and the smith. She was a little taken aback by their personalities, but she secretly hoped that she would get to know them better, even though she was an elf. She always used to help around the camp when she was with her clan, so she knew a little about healing and crafting. If she was to stay, then she would help just as she used to. Adan, the alchemist, talked about some work started by his master. Maybe she could find something about this, such as his notes. It would be a good start. She met Solas right outside Adan's cabin. Her first impression of him was correct. She asked a ton of questions and he answered them all. For someone as curious as she was, it was fascinating. He told her about ancient elves and his travels in the Fade. She even learned the difference between elven magic and human magic : “magic is magic, just as water is water, but it can be used in different ways”, he said. According to him, elven magic was more subtle, “ _a legacy from when elves were immortal”_. Each of his answers led to more questions, and they ended up talking until noon. She stopped by the tavern to get something to eat at lunch. She was glad she picked up these few coins on the road when they were trying to reach the Temple of Sacred Ashes (it was on the way, it wasn't like she had been loosing time)... Thanks to them, she was able to avoid that weird porridge they gave to the soldiers. She thought she would eat alone, but luckily, she was joined by Varric Tethras, the rogue and storyteller. She smiled at him, and offered to sit next to her. He was the first one to ask how she felt and she was grateful for it. She was relieved to be alive but so many were lost. And it was just the beginning. True to herself, she asked a lot of questions, again. His answers were not always clear but they sometimes made her smile, or even gently laugh. She started with serious stuff like the red lyrium they had seen but changed the subject when she saw that he wasn't particularly fond of it. He told her about his books and she promised herself she would read them (or at least one). She also swore that she would find out why he had named his crossbow _Bianca_. They parted ways after lunch, both satisfied with their friendly conversation. Lothiriel couldn't stop smiling: he would be her very first dwarven friend.

***

Cassandra led her to the room where they had an argument with chancellor Roderick. The table was now covered with maps and books, and a little chest full of markers (for the map she would imagine). Three persons were waiting for them, the hooded woman among them. There was an awkward silence, broken by the lady warrior.

“May I present Commander Cullen, leader of the Inquisition forces.” She was impressed by how tall the man was. Even though he was wearing an armor, she could tell he had broad shoulders. She was used to elvhen males who had more slender silhouettes... He was nothing like them. He sighed before he spoke out. 

“Such as they are. We lost many soldiers in the valley getting you here, and I fear many more before this is through.”

She could hear some sort of resentment in his voice. Was he blaming her for the death of his soldiers? As if she needed this. All of Thedas, except for most people in a very small village called Haven, thought she was responsible for the Breach and it was enough for her. She didn't need some Commander to add weight on her shoulders. He wasn't the only one mourning. If she had the power to save everyone, she would, but here was the thing : she couldn't. Cassandra must have felt the tension, and she cut right through it.

“This is Lady Josephine Montilyet, our ambassador and chief diplomat.” The Inquisition already had an ambassador even though she had been unconscious for only three days...

“Andaran atish'an.” The use of elven was surprising. “You speak elven ?”, she asked.

“You just heard the entirety of it, I'm afraid.” Lothiriel repressed a laugh and smiled instead. All morning, she had heard comments about the 'Herald of Andraste' being a dalish elf. She had this incredible desire to know more about humans, to understand why they couldn't get along, and it made her heart ache every time she was rejected. But this woman, even though she was human, didn't seem to care about her race.

“Of course, you know Sister Leliana.” She could finally put a name on the hooded woman. Leliana. What a beautiful name.

“My position here involves a degree of-”

“She is our spymaster.”

“Yes. Tactfully put Cassandra.” Lothiriel let herself laugh a little this time but they seemed to be waiting for her to say something, so she quickly regained composure.

“You all have impressive titles.” She paused. “My name is Lothiriel Lavellan and I do not possess any title beside my name.” She felt really stupid for saying this, but she was so nervous, she didn't take time to think and find a proper answer.

They directly dived into the subject at hand. The Breach wasn't sealed yet and they needed a lot of power to do so. Leliana suggested they approached the rebel mages but she was strongly opposed by the Commander who proposed that they ask the Templars for help instead. The Templars... This guy couldn't be real. And he was the leader of the Inquisition forces... She could see why a warrior would prefer Templars but... She was a _mage_. And she had this thing against templars; a thing that looked a lot like distrust. She was the one supposed to close the Breach in the end; could she trust Templars? Certainly not.

There was an argument. _Again_.

“Templars could suppress the Breach, weaken it so-”

“Pure speculation.” Lothiriel nodded, she agreed. Completely. _Pure_ speculation.

“I was a templar, I know what they're capable of.”

She almost choked on the air she was breathing. _He_ used to be a _templar_? As in templar who do bad things to mages? She instinctively took a step back. In theory, they let the Dalish alone as long as they weren't a threat. But she had seen something else a few years ago. She had seen blood-thirsty templars killing off innocent people for fun. Her clan had been attacked for no apparent reason, they had lost so many... Her thoughts went to Valyhris. The kid had no mother nor father because of templars. Lothiriel's parents and sister had been brutally murdered; that was something she would have a hard time to forgive. She knew deep down that not all templars were like those they had encountered but she couldn't help herself. She feared them. Josephine put an end to the argument by pointing out the fact that none of these groups would talk to the Inquisition anyway. And as ambassador and chief diplomat, she would know better than any of them.

“The Chantry has denounced the Inquisition, and you, specifically.” Lothiriel sighed. “You can't be serious. They still think I'm guilty?” Something was clearly wrong with all these people. That thing on her hand hurt, and not just a little; she would never do that to herself, at least not willingly. Apparently, they were not happy with the fact that people were calling _her_ , a dalish elf, the 'Herald of Andraste'. She couldn't say she was happy about it, but declaring anyone supporting the Inquisition heretic was a bit of an exaggeration. She also finally got an explanation about how that name was created. People had heard of the woman behind her in the Fade when she came out of the first rift and believed it was Andraste herself, the Maker's bride, who had sent her to save them from the Breach. What a story. Maybe Varric should write about it... She found it incredible that they could believe this even when they knew what she was. Surely they were aware that dalish elves didn't believe in the Maker. She sighed, again, not knowing how she actually felt about all of this.

“It's quite the title, isn't it ?”. She didn't look directly at the Commander. She was still suspicious of this supposedly _ex_ -templar. “How do you feel about that?” He seemed... amused. Wasn't he pissed off a minute ago because of the soldiers who had died? Were they all bipolar? So many questions. She decided to be honest with them. “I- I don't know actually. It's unsettling in a way, but if it gives hope, then it's not... _that_... unsettling?” She sighed heavily. “I have no idea how I should feel.”

“Well, the Chantry has decided that for you, it seems”. She hated to admit it, but he was right. How she felt wasn't important now: the Chantry wasn't her biggest supporter, which was quite ironic considering she was called the 'Herald of Andraste'. She was then told a cleric, Mother Giselle, wanted to speak to her in person. She agreed to go and meet with her. She was in the Hinterlands, tending to the wounded, with a group of refugees. She hid it, but she was kind of excited about this travel: she had never been to the Hinterlands before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's just one thing I can say : thank you again for reading!


	4. A lecture for another time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Lothiriel spend some time together. Also, first trip in the Hinterlands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of Cullen in this chapter :D (Last part of it is actually from his POV)

_Keeper Deshanna,_  
_I'm sure you've heard of what happened at the Conclave by now. I'm fine, not even injured. I can't remember what happened, I lost all of my memories of that time._  
_Also, the explosion had an effect on me and now, I am linked to the Breach somehow. It appears that, given enough power, only I can seal it for good._  
_Don't be mad, but this is why I decided to stay with the Inquisition for now. I cannot run away from this, they need me. I will return home, I promise, but not yet._  
_Please announce it gently to Valyhris, she won't take it well. Tell her that I miss her, that she constantly is in my thoughts._  
_I miss you all of course,_  
_Lothiriel._  
_PS : could you ask Athlen if he thinks that my decision is 'stupid' ? He did ask me to avoid doing anything stupid, but I can't tell for sure what is 'stupid' or not._

Lothiriel put down the small quill. She had written the letter in elven, but some words such as "Conclave", “Breach” or “Inquisition” were written with common letters. She let the ink dry, then folded the yellowish paper to seal it. They would depart tomorrow for the Hinterlands and with her being unconscious for three days, she didn't have time to write to her clan. _They must be worried_ , she thought. She would give the letter to Leliana who was apparently in charge of the courier before leaving. As spymaster of the Inquisition, no doubt she would check the content of the letter; the elven alphabet would be a barrier, but probably not for long. She stood up and stretched. The little cabin she had woken up in the day before was now hers to use. She didn't feel comfortable with the idea though, a tent would have been good for her, but lady Josephine had insisted that she sleeps on a real bed. It was still morning and as usual, she had purposely missed breakfast. But now that she was thinking about it, she wanted to try and eat again in the morning. She wasn't with the clan anymore, her life was different now, even more dangerous, and she would need more strength if she wanted to survive. She looked back at the table where a basket full of fruits had been placed and at the last moment before going out, reached out to it and took an apple.

It was cold outside. Way to cold for her. The clan always mocked her because of how sensitive to cold she was. She wished she wasn't though. That actually was another reason to be grateful for that little warm lodge they let her stay in. Luckily, it wasn't windy today, just cold. She met Varric on her way to Harritt, the smith, and waved at him. He was by the big fire in the middle of Haven, probably enjoying the warmth it provided. They would travel together to the Hinterlands, with Solas and Cassandra, and the idea was reassuring as she didn't really know anyone beside them. When Lothiriel arrived at the forge, she had already finished the apple. It was incredible how the place was extremely hot even though it wasn't a closed space. She walked towards Harritt and greeted him. They had talked before and he had already explained to her everything there was to know about crafting here.

“I need a new staff. I lost mine in the explosion at the Conclave and I am not satisfied with the one I found the other day.”

“You want a smith to forge a... mage staff?”

“Not exactly. I can take care of it myself if you would allow me. But I do like to have a blade at the bottom end of the stick and I trust you more than myself for that part. Would you forge one for me? Please...?”

They started working on it right away. She wanted to have it ready before leaving for the Hinterlands as she wasn't comfortable with an ice staff. She was more accustomed to fire. She had learnt how to create one with the crafter of her clan and she made sure to follow every step perfectly. She couldn't mess up with that sort of thing. She used the grip of the staff she had found and improved it a little so it would fit better in her hands. It still took her a few hours to finish. Harritt was almost done with the blade, so she waited for him and together, they assembled all the pieces and the smith's knowledge was put to good use. Once they were done, he suggested to improve her outfit.

“What's wrong with it ?”

It was warm and allowed her to move freely. This was very important for a mage. Apparently, the fact that her outfit was only made of cloth was a problem: the Hinterlands severely suffered from the quarrel between templars and mages and was therefore extremely dangerous. Simply put: she needed better protection. She let him take the measurements he asked for after telling him of her one condition: whatever he planned on doing, it had to allow her to move freely with her staff. It was already past noon when she left. After staying for so long in a place so hot, the cold felt like a whip on her delicate cheeks. She waved at Cassandra who was training there, preparing for their travel, but she didn't notice her. She wasn't very hungry yet because of the apple she had eaten and decided to stay and watch the recruits train under the guidance of former templars. Lothiriel recognized one of the soldiers they had rescued at the mountain top and offered her a broad smile. She seemed to be fine now. That warmed her heart.

That's when she saw Commander Cullen, frowning at a paper. _Must be a report_. She was still indecisive about how she wanted to be around him. He was the Commander of the Inquisition and she trusted Cassandra and Leliana with their choice, but she couldn't shake off the idea that he was a templar. Or used to be. That meant that, at some point in his life, he had hunted down apostates, mages that simply wanted to be free from the Circles. And by being a dalish mage, she was an apostate. Was it reasonable for her to fear him? Plus, she still remembered his accusing tone about the soldiers that had been lost in the valley. She didn't use an accusing tone against him for the death of her parents and her sister even though she could have, so who did he think he was? Problem was: ultimately, they were on the same side; they both chose to join the Inquisition and do whatever was in their power to help. He, a templar, chose to become a heretic. She had to admit it was a powerful love confession to the Inquisition (or to Lady Cassandra, who knew). She wanted to laugh at the thought of them being together, but didn't: she didn't want to look stupid in front of so many people. He was now shouting at some recruits for badly wielding their shields, but he then took time to show them how it should be done. She couldn't really spot the difference but she was no warrior. It pleased her to see that he cared enough to show, and not only shout.

When they were introduced, all she noticed were his height and his blonde hair. But she could observe more now, and without looking like a crazy woman (she looked more like a weird stalker at the moment). He certainly didn't have this _finesse_ that was so typical of male elves, but he stood proud and straight, with his strong arms crossed, just as any army leader should. His outfit was quite stylish for someone who had only worn uniforms before. She was curious about that fur... Was it soft? From what animal did it came from? She wanted to touch it very badly. She'd try to do it discreetly some day. From where she stood, she wasn't able to study his face properly. All she could see was his amazing blonde curly hair. She wondered how much time the Commander took every morning to comb them. The best part was that it kept incredibly still. Aaand now she wanted to know which one was softer: the fur on his coat or his hair.

She felt like she should talk to him before leaving for the Hinterlands. They would work together for some time, and she couldn't be afraid of him all her life. A conversation now could go wrong, but it could also go right... Right? She took a deep breath and marched. As soon as she arrived at his side, he turned to look at her.

“We've received a number of recruits – mostly locals from Haven and pilgrims.” She had been so nervous the day before when they had met that she hadn't even noticed how beautifully deep his voice was. “None made quite the entrance you did.” She didn't know how she truly felt about that, so she chose to play the funny card. It was the best way for her to keep calm, to not lose control simply because of what he used to be.

“At least I got everyone's attention.” — “That, you did.” She beamed at his words, as if to illustrate what they had just said.

He told her about how he was recruited to the Inquisition. He was in Kirkwall then. Didn't Varric say he came from there too? Maybe they knew each other. It appeared that he had witnessed the mage uprising. Even though she was feeling uncomfortable in his presence, she wanted to know more about all of this, but they were interrupted by a scout handing a report to Commander Cullen. They left the training ground and stopped only when a quieter place was reached.

“Cassandra offered me a position. I left the templars to join her cause. Now it seems we face something far worse.”

Lothiriel wanted to ask about Kirkwall. Something must have happened to him there if he so easily left the Order to join an organization that wasn't fully born yet. Something, or maybe someone, must have shaken his faith. But now was not the time. She was a curious brat, but she knew when to ask questions and when to stop, especially when they were particularly personal.

“That's a way to put it. I mean... There is _just_ a giant hole in the sky with demons pouring out of it everyday so... Yes... Things are not exactly looking good at the moment.”

“Which is why we're needed.” The determination in his look and his voice surprised her. “The Chantry lost control of both templars _and_ mages. Now, they argue over a new divine while the Breach remains. The Inquisition could act when the Chantry cannot. Our followers would be part of that. There's so much we can-”

He stopped, and all there was left was disappointment. Firstly because she really liked the sound of his voice (he spoke in a calm manner that was very soothing) and secondly because his point of view was actually interesting. They surely disagreed on a lot of subjects, but his reasons for joining the Inquisition seemed noble. She had to confess that for what she could see for now, he seemed different from the templars who slaughtered her family. But she had once known a 'nice templar' too, and he had done nothing to prevent this event from happening; by doing nothing, he had done just as much as his colleagues.

“Forgive me. I doubt you came here for a lecture.” She repressed a smile and answered immediately, not listening to the negative feelings boiling inside.

“No, but if you have one prepared, I'd love to hear it.” That actually made him laugh. It was a deep short laugh that she thought was very charming, and it disturbed her greatly to even feel this way about a man she supposedly didn't like.

“Another time perhaps.”

He looked at her in the eyes for a moment, and she was finally able to have a closer look at his face. Even if his nose had turned pink because of the cold, he was still a handsome man, she couldn't deny it. He had some facial hair that he kept from growing too long, without shaving it completely however. Where she came from, beards didn't even exist and she found them fascinating (her favorite for now was Harritt's red moustache). There was a small scar on his upper lip. She thought she would never say this but this scar was really _something else_. Anyway, she regretted immediately what she was doing when she looked at the Commander's eyes. _Mythal, protect me from those_. As incredible as it could be, they were _golden_. They reminded her of one of the colors of the sky during sunrises. She loved this color; she would watch an entire sunrise just to see it. They suddenly darkened though, looking more like amber. And that was how she realized that she had been staring at him the whole time. Embarrassed, she looked somewhere else and tried to hide the pink that had risen to her cheeks. He appeared to be just as embarrassed as she was. How awkward.

"I- Er... There's still a lot of work ahead..." She shyly smiled at him, not knowing what to say. Usually, she'd have something in mind but at this exact moment, it was just blank.

“Commander!” Lothiriel silently thanked Mythal for sending that scout to save her from this awfully weird situation.

“Ser Rylen has a report on our supply lines.”

“As I was saying...” She hid it, and she hid it well, but the way he had said this had some unwanted effect on her. He was way too attractive for her own good, and he didn't even know it. She was supposed to hate him, his people had killed the ones she loved and yet, for a few seconds there, she had been drawn to him like a moth to a flame. She had to be careful, templars were dangerous. Getting too close could only end tragically as she would burn her wings. She fled the scene and walked as fast as she could to avoid any more contact with the Commander. Thankfully, she would leave tomorrow morning and her travel in the Hinterlands would give her enough time to get past the embarrassment. She was so mortified that at the end of the day, she had completely forgotten about the letter she had written to Keeper Deshanna.

***

_Sister Leliana,_   
_We found Mother Giselle. She will soon be on her way to Haven. She suggests we convince some clerics to believe in the Inquisition. She will explain everything in more details when she arrives._  
 _The situation here is not hopeless, but very close to it. We decided to stay and help the refugees._  
 _We also want to find the horse-master Scout Harding told us about. He would be a good asset for the Inquisition I believe. I hope you don't mind us taking this decision without asking you first._  
 _Everyday, the mage-templar conflict is getting worse and the first victims are ordinary people._  
 _We will get back to you soon,_  
 _Lothiriel Lavellan_  
 _PS : I love Mother Giselle's accent. Seriously._

**\---**

_Sister Leliana,_  
 _We found master Dennet, the horse-master. He's willing to provide the Inquisition with horses but only if we secure his lands for his farmers to work freely. We were able to take care of a wolfy problem they had (wolves possessed by a demon, can you believe that? I didn't know they could possess animals too)._  
 _But he also asked for three watchtowers to be built near his farms. Clearly, the four of us cannot do that. And even if we did, I think my lack of talent for this kind of work would just lead to ruin and destruction, and there is enough of that in the Hinterlands already._  
 _Does the Inquisition accept his demand? If yes, could Commander Cullen send a few (talented) men here to do just that? Or maybe Lady Josephine could convince some Lord to do something about it? I don't know, whatever the three of you think is best, you are the bosses after all._  
 _We found a place home to a weird group of cultists and managed to recruit agents on the way. A certain Ritts, a Lord Berand (be gentle with him, his lady was found dead, his heart is broken), a weird lady Anais, and a mage named Ellendra. Some of them should arrive in Haven soon enough._  
 _Refugees are as desperate as always,_  
 _Mages and templars are as crazy as always,_  
 _And I'll send another report in a few days,_  
 _Lothiriel Lavellan_  
 _PS : look at that rhyme though. I should start writing poems. Would you rather receive normal reports or poetic reports?_

_**\---** _

_Sister Leliana,_  
 _The soldiers Commander Cullen sent us to build the watchtowers are gifted indeed (seriously, they're fast). This is their advancement :_  
 _(ridiculous drawing of the bottom half of a tower)_  
 _We managed to find enough food for all the refugees by hunting rams. We also discovered a few mages' caches with blankets and warm clothes which will be useful to them._  
 _A group of bandits was camping on the East Road. They are no more._  
 _Lastly, we were able to take down mages by destroying their main camp. Templars are still killing anyone that crosses their path though, whether they are mages or not. Solas doesn't really seem to care but Cassandra is furious. Varric just keeps adding fuel to the fire, and I think she's scary. I want to come back. _  
_Lothiriel Lavellan_  
 _PS : I got hit by a templar with his shield while another one was trying to silence me or something but it's not too bad. Just an enormous bruise._  
 _PS 2: it really saddens me that you wouldn't allow me to write poems for my reports._

_**\---** _

_Sister Leliana,_  
 _We recruited another agent : Corporal Vale. I understand he will stay in the Hinterlands though, and train the most skilled refugees to become soldiers or scouts for the Inquisition. Or whatever he sees fit (I don't know). But he's with us ! He told me he would contact the Commander as soon as possible._  
 _Because the templars kept being irrational even with the mages no longer a threat, we investigated and found their camp. The Hinterlands are safe now._  
 _No templars, no mages, no bandits, and beautiful watchtowers._  
 _Speaking of which, the horse-master, Dennet, said his lands were safe enough and agreed to leave his farm to join the Inquisition._  
 _We will be heading back to Haven now, but I must confess that we didn't have time to check on Redcliffe Village. Sorry._  
 _Lothiriel Lavellan_

Cullen let out a sigh after reading the copy of the last report the Herald had sent them. It was unique and unprofessional, as usual. It was easy to understand that she was not used to doing this kind of things. He still remembered that report with the awful drawing. She should not draw on her reports, or on anything else: she was terribly bad at it. Worst part was that Leliana actually had the drawing copied for Josephine and himself. Well, at least it had made him laugh (until he got to the post scriptum saying she got hurt by templars). He pinched the bridge of his nose before stretching. The report was from two days ago, so she should arrive at any moment, starting tomorrow afternoon. He surprised himself with how eager he was to see her again, even though their last encounter had turned out to be incredibly embarrassing. He didn't know if she had been avoiding him on purpose or not, but he didn't see her at all until she departed for the Hinterlands. And even then, she wouldn't look at him. He should have been more careful. He had no explanation as to why he had stared at her for so long. He couldn't get more stupid than that. He had already noticed what a beautiful woman she was when they first met in the war room, but the way she had smiled at him that day... It had been a very simple smile, but he found it quite charming and he couldn't erase it from his memory. 

He tried to rest and closed his eyes for a while; he couldn't do anything else but think of her. He didn't really think about her normally, but she would haunt him for a few hours each time he'd received one of her reports.

The first time he laid eyes on her, when Cassandra had opened that door and let her in... He hadn't been able to keep his eyes off her. Everything about her was plain normal, but altogether, they made her special. Without being completely black, her hair were very dark; but anytime the sun shone on her, they appeared to be lighter, more like deep brown. It was a curious phenomenon, but he liked it. He also liked how she nonchalantly regrouped them in a bun, letting a few strings of hair fall on each side of her face. Her skin wasn't light nor dark, more like tanned. And her eyes weren't of a deep blue or an emerald green: they were simply brown, but they had this sort of purple ring that made her gaze even more intense than it already was. As to her splendid elven silhouette... He didn't know many elves, and he had never paid attention before, but she was utterly gracious. She looked so light, he felt like she would leave no trace in the snow when walking. And did he mention her voice?

He opened his eyes and called himself foolish. He had developed some sort of feelings for a mage once, and it was one of the stupidest things that happened in his life. He would not take this path again. They were at war, she was the Herald of Andraste, he was the Commander of the Inquisition and getting infatuated with her, a _dalish_ _ **mage**_ , was the last thing he reasonably wanted. They had a mission, a mission that was dear to him, and any distraction was wrong, especially one of _that_ kind. He tried to dismiss all of these thoughts about her; it was time for him to go to sleep anyway. He took his armor off and put on a thick old khaki pull-over sweater. Thanks to his position, Josephine had ensured that he had a stove but it was still cold in his tent. He never complained though, it was far worse for his soldiers and recruits.

 

He didn't think about Lothiriel at all between the time he received her last report and the time she arrived. There was so much to do. He couldn't spare a minute for irrelevant thoughts. New recruits arrived almost every day, driven by the stories they heard about the Herald. All the good she did in the Hinterlands was paying off. Strangely, he felt somehow proud. She was the face of the Inquisition, and the face of the Inquisition was efficient in her work. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My computer is only good for me to work on (and write this fic), so I play DA:I on PS4 (I really should save and buy a gaming computer). I took a picture of my tv screen to show you my Inquisitor (= Lothiriel) but the quality is really bad, sorry... The only difference is that our Lothiriel (the fic one) puts her hair in a messy bun, and not a ponytail.  
> [Link to the photo :)](https://potatoesaholic.tumblr.com/post/153642954164/lothiriel-lavellan-dalish-mage-and-herald-of)


	5. No chance with the Chancellor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chancellor Roderick is being a pain in the Inquisition's ass. Cullen is being a pain in Lothiriel's ass (no, not in this way).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I had to write about this scene between Chancellor Roderick and Cullen in front of the Chantry in Haven. It's so precious.

As soon as she got back, Lothiriel went straight to her room. She wasn't the only one dying from exhaustion. Cassandra, Varric and Solas did the exact same thing. They all needed to rest after their very long journey. Mother Giselle, Sister Leliana, Lady Josephine and Commander Cullen could wait. Their journey in the Hinterlands had been unconventional. The first days had been really hard for her as they involved a lot more killing than she thought. It usually was self-defense but it didn't make it any easier. She had no problem with eliminating demons but in the Hinterlands, these weren't their sole enemy. They had to fight mages and templars; humans. She tried to console herself by saying it was inevitable to protect the refugees, innocent people. But at the end of the day, she still had troubles sleeping. The same servant she met a few weeks ago brought hot water. She thanked her and quickly washed herself. She would do it better later. She had learnt more about Cassandra and Varric personal lives during their travel, and they had started to bond and trust each other more and more with each passing day. She still didn't know much about Solas though; he surprisingly didn't speak much about himself for someone so confident. Instead, he taught her many things, particularly about the Fade and the Veil. For once, it didn't take her long to fall asleep. It was warm, and the bed was incredibly comfortable compared to what they slept on in the Hinterlands.

***

Lothiriel slowly approached the Chantry where the agitation was coming from. Something was off.

“Your kind killed the Most Holy!” It came from one of the former templars who had followed Commander Cullen after he joined the Inquisition. He was definitely not friendly to the other man who appeared to be a mage.

“Lies! Your kind let her die.” She saw the big door of the chantry open while the warrior reached for his sword. “Shut your mouth, mage!”

She moved to stop him from hurting the old man who was caught off guard but Commander Cullen was first to jump between the two.

“Knight-Captain!”, the mage started. He was cut by the Commander.

“That is _not_ my title. We are not templars any longer. We are _all_ part of the Inquisition.”

Lothiriel felt intimidated by the way he was talking to them. He was firm, but he never yelled. And more importantly, he was right. Mage or ex-templar, human or elf, dwarf or qunari; being part of the Inquisition shouldn't be about that. She had troubles bonding with the former templars here but her feelings didn't make this any less true. Unluckily, chancellor Roderick decided to make an appearance. While in the Hinterlands, she had secretly wished he would be gone by the time she'd come back, but there he was.

“And what does that mean, actually ?”, he said. The Commander seemed to be just as annoyed as she was. “I'm curious Commander, as to how your Inquisition and its 'Herald' will restore order as you've promised.” Did this guy think he was in some sort of play, gesticulating et speaking to the crowd like that?

“Of course you are.” Lothiriel laughed, hidden in the crowd, but stopped immediately when the Commander ordered everyone to go back to their duties. Her duty was there so she had to stay. With no one to hide her any longer, she preferred to look serious in front of that insufferable cleric. She even made her way to the chancellor and the commander who had gone on with their dispute.

“Which is why we require a proper authority to guide them back to order.” She assumed 'them' were mages and templars. Just hearing his voice made her angry.

“Who, you? Random clerics who weren't important enough to be at the Conclave?” Lothiriel had to bite her lower lip to prevent herself from laughing. She was really surprised by how sassy the Commander could actually be, and decided to join in.

“The Inquisition is as functional as any young family – it can work, I'm sure of it.” — “And how many families are on the verge of splitting into open warfares with themselves, huh ?” She gave him the most evil look she could give (maybe not so evil then but at least she tried).

“Yes, because that would never happen to the Chantry.” She snorted and tried to cover her small laugh with a fake cough, but it was clear that it was useless.

“Hm... Commander, remind me why you're allowing the chancellor to stay ?”

“Clearly your templar knows where to draw the line.”

“ _Former_ templar”, they said at the same time. She had corrected the Chancellor about this even though she wasn't completely comfortable around the Commander for being an ex-templar. She didn't know about it yet, but it was a sign that she was willing to give him a chance to prove himself different from the templars she had met a few years before.

“He's toothless.” Ouch. That hurt; for the chancellor. She, on the other hand, was beaming with happiness: _serves you right, stupid cumber-world_. The chancellor bad-talked about the Inquisition for what felt like ages but the Commander stood his ground, never overreacting in any way however.

“If you are innocent, the Chantry will establish it as so.” Yeah, right. Liar.

“Or will be happy to use someone as a scapegoat.” She was merely a spectator in this benign fight so she was glad to see the Commander take her defense. Exactly; they would certainly not declare her innocent, even if she could prove it.

“You think nobody cares about the truth ? We all grieve Justinia's loss!” — “But you won't grieve if the Herald of Andraste is conveniently swept under a carpet.”

She finally spoke. “I guess my opinion matters little here, but I do not wish for the Herald to be 'swept under a carpet'... I would greatly appreciate it if we could find a solution that does _not_ involve a cathedral full of clerics like chancellor Roderick.”

“The stuff of _nightmares._ ”

“Mock if you will, I'm certain the Maker is less amused.” This time, she lost it and laughed for good. It wasn't a big laugh, but it certainly felt good to let it go.

“As much as I find this quarrel entertaining, let us end it here, Commander. Unfortunately, or perhaps should I say fortunately, we are supposed to meet with the others in the war room.”

***

“ _Felasil em_!*” She completely forgot about this! The letter destined to Keeper Deshanna probably laid still on the table back at her lodge. They must have been so worried about her. “Please, let me see it.”

She recognized her Keeper's writing; it was addressed to the Inquisition as they thought she was being held captive. She sighed and ran a hand in her hair which were not put in a bun for once but hanging loose over her shoulders.

“We must reassure them, but they won't believe us if we just send a letter. I could go to the Free Marches and come back, but it would take a lot of time.” The room was filled with silence. It had been so ecstatic that not a single person – and there were five of them – had thought of sending word to her clan.

“Elven agents could go in your place with a few things your clan needs, alongside a letter written by your hand” Leliana's idea was excellent. No one in the room came up with a better one.

“Let's do this. I will give you the letter tomorrow morning. I think they would be very happy to get cloth and leather. It's simple but we always lack those during winter”, she sheepishly admitted. Furthermore, Valyhris was growing up at a very fast rate and her winter clothes from last year did not suit her anymore.

No one pressed the subject any further. They then discussed about what they should do next. Mother Giselle had suggested the Herald to visit Val Royeaux and convince the Chantry – or at least some clerics – that she wasn't as bad as the rumors wanted them to believe. The Commander was against letting her go and it pissed her off. Royally. What good could it do to just stay in Haven and do _nothing_? Cassandra agreed with her – this was their only lead – and orders were given. Now, all she had to do was wait for Josephine to come back to her with good news after her negotiations with the Chantry were over. They would travel to the biggest city of Orlais only when the clerics mentioned by Mother Giselle agreed to a meeting. It could be tomorrow. It could be in a few weeks.

***

If the heads of the Inquisition had a lot of work, it wasn't Lothiriel's case. Even though she was the Herald, there was nothing specific for her to do while in Haven. She kept herself busy by investigating for Adan, the alchemist. He had talked to her about his master's work, that he died before finishing any of it. When she asked, Varric agreed to go with her and appeared to be very useful when they tried to enter master Taigen's house. _What a useful talent_ , she thought, staying behind Varric while he was picking the lock. Keeper Deshanna would not approve of her learning this trick though. Obviously, it had been a while since anyone had put a foot here. They even found what looked like an important journal on the desk.

“I bet Adan would be happy with these notes.”

And indeed he was. She then spent the day collecting herbs and visiting the area, but the landscape never changed. No matter how much she walked, all she saw were nugs, snow and pine trees. She was starting to get bored when she sun thought of making his way down, setting behind the horizon. Although she was almost back in Haven, she changed her mind and walked to the wooden dock over the frozen lake where she sat, beyond the field where soldiers and recruits were camping.

And she watched. Contemplating the sun sets was all she did until it completely disappeared. This was the weirdest sunset she had ever seen. The Breach was still far up in the sky and the green light had invaded the warm colors of twilight. It made the scenery both beautiful and terrifying. She smiled to herself when she caught a glimpse of golden at some point, and her thoughts immediately turned to the Commander. Would she ever be able to enjoy a sunrise or a sunset without thinking about his eyes? She wasn't sure. She didn't blame herself for it though. Out of nowhere – or perhaps from her heart – Valyhris came to her mind. It had been a very long time since she last saw her, she missed her little pouty face. She wished the kid could be there with her, it would make it all easier as she would give her strength. But it was safer for her to stay with the clan, away from all of this. She reached for a her notebook – she would write any sort of things in it – and her quill and ink, and began to write a draft for the letter she had promised to give to Leliana in the morning.

_Dear Keeper Deshanna,_

_I know you want the details of how I fare but first, allow me to start with what matters most to my heart. I miss you, all of you. Not a single day goes by without me praying for the clan to stay safe and out of danger. The Gods know how even more dangerous the world has become during the last few weeks. Please, do not think that I forgot all about you because I didn't write. Truth is: I did, but completely forgot to send the letter I had written. I will join it to this one._

_The Inquisition is not holding me captive. I didn't come back home because I chose to stay and help however I can. I have no memory of what happened during the explosion at the Conclave, but I was touched by it. I am not physically injured, but I bare a mark on my hand that acts like the Breach (this is how the hole in the sky was named) and is capable of closing these rifts that have spawned everywhere in Thedas. I do not know how I got it and I intend to find out. Anyway, my hand now apparently holds the power to save our world from the Fade._

_As a pledge of goodwill, the Inquisition offers to provide the clan with cloth and leather. We never have enough of those if I am not mistaken. Please treat the scouts making the delivery with kindness, they do not wish you harm (specifically tell that to Athlen...)._

It was now almost completely dark and she couldn't see well enough to go on. Thankfully, there was a torch right above her which she could light with a fire spell.

_May I ask you to read the following part to Valyhris ? I believe she must have been really sad to not receive any news at all._

_'My dearest little pouty face, I miss you so so much. It is incredibly lonely here without you. I wish you could be with me to make me smile and laugh as you always do : there is no one here as funny and cute as you are. I am terribly sorry for not writing you before even though I promised you I would. I failed, but I will try to find time from now on. This is a real promise. Life away from the clan is everything but calm, this is why I still need you to understand that I cannot come back to you before a very long time. I know what you will say: you will say that you need me, but I am also needed here. To my eyes, you will always be first but sometimes, listening to your heart is not the right thing to do and right now, my duty keeps me away. Valyhris, I love you. Always will. Also, do not forget to be nice with everyone.'_

_Finally, could Athlen answer the question I asked in the first letter I didn't send? Does he think my decision to stay with the Inquisition stupid? Knowing him, I think he does._

_Tell everyone I send them many many hugs._

_I hope you will forgive me for my negligence._

_With all my love,_

_Lothiriel._

She was just finishing the draft when she heard steps behind her. She immediately turned, ready to cast a spell if the intruder appeared to be dangerous. She knew the man, he wasn't a threat, but she couldn't sigh in relief either.

“Herald.” His voice was soft, and the word had come out of his mouth as a breath.

“Commander”, she answered, keeping it as neutral as possible.

“Am I interrupting you?” She closed her notebook and her small vial of ink to store them back in her bag.

“Not at all, I was just...” Her sentence remained unfinished.

“I do hope you were not drawing. The sketch you added to one of your reports from the Hinterlands still haunts me in my darkest nightmares.” Her laughter echoed in the silence of the night. Her drawing skills were incomparable, he just couldn't see it.

“May I sit?” She simply nodded, and he sat to her left, his feet dangling in the air in unison with hers. “I saw the torch and came to check; I did not expect to see you there. Night has fallen, you should not put yourself in unnecessary danger. You are the Herald of Andr-”

“If you're so afraid for my safety, then stay.” She stopped him before he could go on: a lecture now was the last thing she wished for. “I don't want to go back to Haven, not yet.”

He stayed silent. Long minutes passed during which none of them spoke. Did he take her seriously? Was he actually keeping an eye on her? She was both delighted and irritated, and thought herself foolish for feeling the first but found the second appropriate. She was _not_ a relic that needed to be guarded nor an incompetent fighter. Cassandra had praised her skills in the Hinterlands – coming from a Seeker, it meant a lot to her. It had been the same during the war council: he was against her leaving Haven for Val Royeaux. The more she thought about it, the more she was under the impression that he was keeping watch on her because she was a mage as he would – and did – in a Circle. However, an insignificant part of her wanted to believe in him, in the part of the Commander that wasn't a templar, the Commander she saw in front of the Chantry earlier during the day. All of the sudden, she doubted her beliefs. What if, for the last couple of years, she had let her grudge against a group of templars cloud her judgement about _every_ templar? What if she was wrong, what if-. No. She had to stop questioning herself like this; he was right there, a former templar was sitting next to her. It was her chance to get answers.

“I would like to know more about the templars.” She wasn't asking for his permission to ask questions. She wanted to know what a templar's life was supposed to be like, and compare it to what she had lived. She would try to stay neutral in this conversation; she was talking to the Commander of the Inquisition, not a regular templar, she thought to reassure herself, to give her enough strength to go through this.

“If you need insight into what the Order is doing now, I am afraid I can't offer more than you already know...” He paused. “But anything else, I will answer as best I can.” Realizing she had stopped breathing for a while, she tried to discreetly breathe in a great deal of fresh air.

“Why did you join the Order?”, she asked. This question hid another: why would anyone join the Order?

“I could think of no better calling than to protect those in need. I used to beg the templars at our local chantry to teach me. At first, they merely humored me, but I must have shown promise... Or at least a willingness to learn.” He started to play with the ends of his leathery gloves to fight his shyness. He didn't seem to be comfortable talking about himself. Right now, he was very different from the Commander she was used to. “The knight-captain spoke to my parents on my behalf. They agreed to send me for training. I was thirteen when I left home.”

“Thirteen? But this is so... Young.” — “I didn't take on full responsibilities until I was eighteen. The Order sees you trained and educated first.” Now that she was told about it, it actually made sense that templars would receive an education, and it frightened her to see the resemblance with her own life. She had began her apprenticeship when she was a child but had been allowed to fully support the Keeper only after she got her vallaslin. The main difference was that she didn't have to leave her clan.

“What about your family ? Didn't you miss them?” She had already forgotten why she had started asking questions in the first place. She was genuinely interested in the Commander's life now.

“Of course.” Thanks to the light provided by the torch, she could see his cheeks redden. “But there were many my age who felt the same. We learnt to look out for one another.” A few weeks ago, she wouldn't have been able to even imagine how it would have felt. Now that she was so far from her clan, she understood what he meant.

“And what does templar training involve?”He told her about their combat skills and about how they must know the Chant of Light. They also had to study history and geography, when they were not learning to improve their mental focus. It seemed to be quite intense.

“Did you enjoy your training?” — “I wanted to learn everything. If I was giving my life to this, I would be the best templar I could.” She was shocked to hear something she had thought her entire life coming from an ex-templar's mouth. How many times did she tell Athlen that she would be the best First that ever existed to then become the best Keeper in Thedas?

“You were a model student, then?” _Like me_.

“I wanted to be. I wasn't always successful.” _Like me, again_.

“Watching a candle burn down while reciting the Chant of Transfigurations wasn't the most exciting task... I admit. My mind sometimes wandered.” He gave her a look that screamed _'Oopsie. At least I tried'_ and she laughed. She knew the feeling. Coming of age wasn't the only condition to gain the right to bear the vallaslin: the newly considered adults had to meditate for hours and hours and hours – without falling asleep – on the Gods and everything that made the Dalish way of life special.

They must have been talking for less than five or ten minutes but she could already tell that this man was definitely different from all the templars she had met before and deep down, she wished they could get closer. Now, she wanted to believe that it was possible for them to become friends, she wanted to see this conversation as a sign that mages and templars could get along.

“What- What do you think of mages? Are they all a threat?” She wished she hadn't stutter. She knew it was bold of her, as a mage, to ask this to a former templar but his answer would determine if her wish was realizable.

“I have seen the suffering magic can inflict. I have treated mages with distrust because of it – at times without cause. That was unworthy of me... I will try not to do so here.” She tried to repress the growing smile on her face, but failed. If she believed the Commander, templars could change, they were not _all_ bad. But what if-... She hated her pessimist self.

“Are you saying this because I am a mage?”

“Of course not. To be honest, I can't say I want mages moving through our base _completely_ unchecked. We need safeguards in place to protect people – including the mages themselves – from possession, at the least.”

She was surprisingly pleased by this answer. She had pictured the templars as evil beings for a long time, but this was not evil. It was true that mages were victims of possession, that it could be a threat to anyone around. She was a protective person; she could understand the Commander for wanting to protect the people from a potential threat. She was grateful to him to try to become more reasonable in his behavior towards mages; and taking time to calmly talk to her was an incredible start. For the first time in a very long time, she felt safe while being alone with a (former) templar and more importantly, (kind of) accepted by one.

“Tell me. Why do you think templars broke away from the Chantry ?” The conversation went on, and at the end of it, Lothiriel felt perfectly fine sitting next to the Commander, a former templar she was first suspicious of, in complete silence. She had better understanding of the situation now. Mages had reasons to rebel against the very idea of Circles, but templars couldn't be blamed for asking for a little bit of gratitude.

“Perhaps it is time for us to get back?” She searched for his golden eyes and simply smiled at him. If she once blamed the entire order for the death of her family, she now only blamed the specific templars. He slowly walked her back to her cabin. The door was almost closed when she glanced at him one last time. He was waiting for her to lock the door and be completely safe.

“Have a goodnight, Commander.”

“You too, Herald.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *stupid me


	6. (Not so) Royal trip to Val Royeaux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lothiriel visits Val Royeaux for the first time. She also gets drunk because of Varric.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got my first kudos ever, thank you so much, it makes me so happy!
> 
> A small part of this chapter is from Cullen's POV :)

“Lothiriel, close your mouth when you walk.”

She couldn't even hear Varric as she raised her head to look up. She had _never_ seen anything like this. She had heard how extraordinary Val Royeaux was, but to see it with her own eyes... Her imagination wasn't good enough. Nothing she had pictured herself was incredible enough to compete with the reality of it. She was at a loss for words. The different shades of blue, the luxuriant greenery, the huge golden lion statues, the wonderful fountains – she could go on for hours – had her mind blown.

“This- It's- I mean-.” She sighed. Let her start again. “Does the entire capital look like this, or is it just for the entrance to the city?”  
“This is nothing compared to what you will see once we reach the heart of Val Royeaux.”  
“Cassandra, please tell me that you're joking.”  
“I am not. We are almost there; you will soon see what I mean with your own eyes.” Last time she said that, the Veil had just been torn.

They passed a bridge and a gigantic door made in wrought iron. They were now crossing a sort of corridor with many statues on each side of it. Lothiriel, much to her companions' despair, took her time to read each and every single one of the little golden plates. She was interrupted by a scout.

“My Lady Herald!” The young girl bowed. She would never get used to this... “Oh, you're one of Leliana's people. What have you found?”

“The Chantry mothers await you but... So do a great many templars.”

“They are templars here?”, Cassandra asked, more than surprised.

“People seem to think the templars will protect them from- from the Inquisition, my Lady.” Lothiriel hadn't noticed because she had been so absorbed in her sightseeing but now that she thought about it, people had indeed been avoiding them anywhere they went since their arrival in the city.

“They're gathering on the other side of the market. I think that's where the templars intend to meet you.”

Since her talk with the Commander the other night, she had been more comfortable around templars but only the ones that had joined the Inquisition. She was still suspicious of the other ones, the ones that were still with the Order. The fact that they were actually waiting for them now did not reassure her. The marketplace the scout had talked about was extraordinarily beautiful and full of life. Now that she was aware of it, Lothiriel could see the looks they were getting. They were full of fear and distrust. Was it so obvious that they were with the Inquisition? _Well, you don't get to see a seeker with two elves and a dwarf at every street corner I guess_. A stage had been installed and on it were waiting templars and a couple of clerics. She stealthingly made her way through the crowd until she was in front of it. Varric, who was right behind her, preferred to simply but (sort of) gently push people so that they would let them pass.

“Good people of Val Royeaux, hear me!” The cleric who was now talking had the same accent as Mother Giselle, but her words were less caring and more hurtful.

“Together, we mourn our Divine. Her naive and beautiful heart silenced by treachery. You wonder what will become of her murderer... Well, wonder no more! Behold the so-called 'Herald of Andraste', claiming to rise where our Beloved fell.” Lothiriel rolled her eyes. That was not the kind of meeting she imagined when Lady Josephine had told her she could leave for Val Royeaux.

“We say this is a false prophet. The Maker would send no elf in our hour of need!” If she could roll her eyes more, she would. She didn't believe herself to be sent by the Maker, but that woman right there was spitting on the followers of the Inquisition's believes.

“Could you stop already?” Lothiriel wasn't shouting, but she was firm nonetheless. “I did not come here to listen to nonsensical lies, especially from someone as blinded by racism as you are.”

“I am not-”

“Yes! You _are_! If you weren't, you would see that our real enemy is the Breach in the sky.” She could feel the disapproving looks coming from the crowd, but also the surprise from her companions. They knew by now how confident she could be sometimes, but they never imagined that she would be able to handle this type of situation with such force of character.

“We came here to _talk_ because we must unite to stop it.” — “It's true. The Inquisition seeks only to end this madness before it is too late”, Cassandra finished.

“It is already too late!” The cleric raised her hand and directed their attention to a group of templars coming their way. There were too many of them; if there was a fight, they would most certainly lose.

“The Templars have returned to the Chantry! They will face this “Inquisition” and the People will be safe once more.” She had just finished talking when one of them hit her behind her head. Lothiriel moved forward to go and help her but she was stopped by Solas. He was right, she shouldn't do anything reckless now, they were not in a position to win. The man that appeared to be the leader of the large group of templars spoke out.

“She is beneath us.”

“Why did you do this? Aren't you here to deal with the Inquisition ?”

“As if there were any reason to.” _Arse_.

“Were you trying to impress someone? If that is the case, then you should know that you are terrible at it because I wasn-”

“Lord Seeker Lucius!” Varric put a hand on her back as a sign of support while she glared at Cassandra. “It's imperative that we speak with you.”

“You will not address me. Creating a heretical movement, raising up a puppet as Andraste's prophet. You should be ashamed.” Lothiriel wanted to go there, to punch the guy in the face or even better, to kick him in the nuts (they don't have any armor there, right?). Thankfully, Varric and Solas prevented her from doing anything stupid. As much as she knew, Cassandra had done the right thing, and she wasn't a puppet.

“The templars failed no one when they left the Chantry to purge the mages. _You_ are the ones who have failed; you who'd leash our righteous swords with doubt and fear! If you came to appeal to the Chantry, you are too late. The only Destiny here that demands respect is _mine_.”

As Cassandra stayed open-mouthed, unable to formulate anything coherent, Lothiriel shook off her companions' arms and took one step towards the disgusting man. He was nothing like the Commander, who also used to be a templar. That was her proof that not all of them were the same. That was why she had to try and save some of them from this fool.

“Templars, don't follow him blindly just because he bears the title of 'Lord Seeker'. One of your own commands the Inquisition forces, you can still make a difference. Join us as he did!”

“You're a mage. Your ties are worthless, they're all made traitors just by being in your company.” _If doing what is right makes us all traitors, then so be it_.

One of the templars had enough courage to speak out but he was cut by another one who talked about a 'higher purpose'. What purpose? The Lord Seeker's own ambition? These templars reminded her of the ones who had killed her family. Now wasn't the time but a day would come when she would have her revenge. She didn't have names, but these empty-headed and blood-thirsty templars would do the trick. Lord Seeker Lucius; she would remember that name.

“Templars! Val Royeaux is unworthy of our protection. We march!” And just like that, they left the city as fast as they arrived. The young man who had disagreed with his superior discreetly glanced at them, and Lothiriel offered him a sorry smile. At least he had tried.

“Charming fellow, isn't he?” She totally agreed with Varric there. That man was profoundly deranged.

“Has Lord Seeker Lucius gone mad?” — “Do you know him?”

“He took over the Seekers of Truth two years ago, after Lord Seeker Lambert's death. He was always a decent man, never given to ambition or grandstanding. This is very bizarre.”

Were they talking about the same person? This description clearly did not match the man they just met.

“I'm not sure he can be reasoned. I'm not saying that we won't be able to count on the Templars anymore, but I'm glad we have other options.”

She got no answer. She then remembered the cleric who had been knocked out by the templars and ran back to her. She was still on the ground with two other clerics holding her. Lothiriel crouched beside her. She was bleeding, but she could tell that the injury wasn't life-threatening.

“I'm sorry they left the Chantry. Again.” She closed her eyes, regretting her words. She had meant them to be nice.

“Your victory must please you greatly.” — “This is no victory. For anyone.”

The cleric snorted. “Tell me one thing: do you truly believe you are the Maker's chosen?”

“What I think does not matter. What's important is what the people believe. If the 'Herald of Andraste' brings them hope, then so be it. But why do you care?”

“Because... Despite all my fears... What if it's true? What if I have erred?” Lothiriel felt pity for her. As many others, she wasn't a bad person at heart. She was just scared.

“It's not too late you know. The Chantry could still help us.” The cleric did not seemed to be convinced, and the elf left her alone.

It was then decided that they would stay in Val Royeaux for the night and leave in the morning. They all went their own way except for Varric and her who stayed and wandered in the market, buying some goods (especially a gift for Valyhris, which didn't go unnoticed by the rogue) and talking to the merchants. During their walk, they received an invitation to a party from a First Enchanter named Vivienne de Fer and agreed that they should go since it was on the way between Val Royeaux and Haven. They were having a great time and even stopped at a cafe called “Le Masque du Lion” to have dinner when they got interrupted by an arrow. Varric was the first to read it before handing it to Lothiriel. The letter was addressed to her and signed by 'the Friends of Red Jenny'.

“Who is Red Jenny?”

“I have no idea... But I think it's worth doing some digging.”

***

“It's good you've returned. We heard of your encounter.” Lothiriel jumped out in surprise.

“ _Fen'Harel av'ingala!_ *” She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to regain composure. “Don't- Don't do that, Josephine. That- Just, no. And what do you mean by 'you heard'?”

“My agents in the city sent word ahead, of course.”

“Alright, first things first, I would be very happy if you could all just stop those kind of surprise arrivals. It's- I don't want to die from a heart attack. Now, to the matter at hand: _of course_ , your agents, I should have thought about it...”

They waited for her to be ready to go on. They had just arrived from Val Royeaux – with two new agents named Sera and Vivienne and an invitation from Grand Enchanter Fiona – and there was so much to discuss. She didn't mind the (extremely) small pause. The Commander was the first to jump in and start with the hostilities.

“It is a shame the templars have abandoned their senses as well as the capital.”  
“At least we know how to approach mages and templars now. Do we?”  
“Well... Lord-Seeker Lucius is not the man I remember.” Cassandra's voice resonated in the hall of the Chantry.  
“True. He has taken the Order somewhere but to do what? My reports have been... Very odd.” Lothiriel had already learnt one thing since the beginning of the conversation : Leliana had agents absolutely everywhere. How creepy... Now she felt like she was constantly watched, although that probably wasn't just a feeling.  
“We must look into it. I'm certain not everyone in the Order will support the Lord Seeker.” She wasn't surprised by the fact that the Commander still believed in the templars and now that she understood him better, she couldn't be mad at him for it; but he had to see the truth. Mages were the best option.  
“Or the Herald could simply go to meet the mages in Redcliffe instead”, Josephine pointed out.  
“You think the mage rebellion is more united? It could be ten times worse!”  
Seeing how it escalated quickly, Lothiriel intervened. “Could you all stop bickering? Of course not all templars will follow the Lord Seeker, we saw some of his men doubt him when we were in Val Royeaux but I'm not sure many of them will _actually_ betray him; they may never be enough to help seal the Breach. We cannot dismiss the idea that the mages could help, we must find allies wherever we can.”

Cassandra agreeing with her made her feel better after she realized that she might have crossed the line. They called her the 'Herald' but these four were the true leaders of the Inquisition. Talking to them like they were children may not have been one of her best ideas. Josephine resumed the debate, more calmly this time.

“We shouldn't discount Redcliffe. The Mages may be worth the risk.”  
“They are powerful Ambassador, but more desperate than you realize.” Cassandra was now the one defending the Commander's point of view. Lothiriel glanced at him, but he was looking away. He probably felt like he had been grounded.  
“The invitation could be a trap, but I have lived in constant danger since I walked out of the Fade – which I still don't remember anything about by the way.”  
“But if some among the rebel mages were responsible for what happened at the Conclave-”  
“Cassandra, the same could be said about the Templars.”  
The Commander was, for once, the voice of reason. “True enough. Right now, I'm not certain we have enough influence to approach the Order or the mages safely anyway.”

They all stayed silent; he couldn't be more right. If they wanted to act, they needed to expand the Inquisition's influence first. That meant travel. A lot of travel. At the end of the council, Sister Leliana stopped her to talk in private. She was concerned because of her lack of information about the Grey Wardens. Coming from the Inquisition's spymaster who apparently had agents everywhere, it was indeed worrisome. She told her about a certain Blackwall in the Hinterlands; she promised she would look into it, but there was nothing more she could do. When she came out of the Chantry, she was once again stopped by someone. His or her name – she really couldn't say – was Cremisius Aclassi, a mercenary from what he/she called the Bull's charger company. Their leader, Iron Bull, wanted to offer their services to the Inquisition; he would be waiting for her on the Storm Coast. When she finally reached her lodge to rest, she already knew what she had to do to extend the Inquisition's influence. She would start by finding this Bull and this Blackwall.

***

_Sister Leliana,_  
 _We found the Iron Bull and his chargers. He talked about being part of the Ben-Hassrath ? I thought you would like to know that. Anyway, we saw them fight : they're good._  
 _We won't be coming back yet though. Some of the Inquisition's soldiers went missing after they tried to negotiate with a group of bandits who call themselves the Blades of Hessarian. We'll dig into it._  
 _I'll also try to investigate on the missing Grey Wardens._  
 _Lothiriel Lavellan_  
 _PS: it rains so much I can't even tell if my face is wet because of the weather or because of my tears (yes, rain makes me cry)._

_\---_

_Sister Leliana,_  
 _We found traces of the Grey Wardens. They were indeed in the area but we have no way to tell where they are at the moment._  
 _We managed to peacefully deal with the bandits by dueling their leader. I won (obviously), and they now work for the Inquisition (you're welcome)._  
 _We will leave tomorrow morning,_  
 _Lothiriel Lavellan_  
 _PS: we saw a DRAGON and he was fighting (more like crushing) a giant, can you believe it? I had never seen one before, I am still so excited!_  
 _(ridiculous drawing of an unidentifiable subject)_

Cullen simply gave the report back to the scout without adding any comment on it. Was that drawing supposed to represent a fight between a giant and a dragon? He couldn't tell. Even though he was surrounded by soldiers and recruits, he smiled to himself thinking how she wouldn't give up on drawing on the reports. At least, there wasn't bad poetry this time. He left the training ground and entered his tent to sit at his desk. It relieved him to learn that she was safe. Not that he personally cared about her, but she was the Herald. He knew she was their best element when it came down to enlarging the Inquisition's influence, but she was also their only chance to seal the Breach. She was mortal, just as anybody else. He trusted her fighting abilities, especially after hearing Cassandra's praises, but death could take anyone, anytime.

The thought of her dead body frightened him. He wanted to believe that he didn't care for her as a woman, but he did. Many times he had tried to dismiss inappropriate thoughts about her but miserably failed. He used to be strong enough to stay focus on his work but since their talk on the dock the other day, he had started to think about her more and more. He appreciated her willingness to learn about the templars' way of life even though she was a Dalish mage. He could feel that she wanted to understand both sides, mages and templars, that she wanted to change things. And she respected his point of view even if it probably greatly differed from hers. He also liked how confident she was during the war councils, not hesitating to put them back into place and remind them why they were there in the first place. He kept his opinion to himself, but he thought she would make a good Inquisitor. She was calm but not weak, confident but not stubborn, strong but compassionate. Did she even have flaws, apart from her drawing skills?

He passed his hand over his slightly bearded jaw and sighed; he had it way too bad, and he didn't even know much about her. He had refused to read Leliana's report on her personal life, and she never spoke about herself. She always asked questions, waiting for answers without ever giving enough time to retaliate. Was she doing this on purpose? Did she hate so much to talk about herself? Was she that much selfless or did she have something to hide? He should stop her from wandering his mind, he had so much work ahead he didn't know where to start. He had no time to lose... But thinking about her didn't feel at all like he was losing time.

***

Lothiriel spat out every single drop of wine she had in her mouth. Varric just laughed with all the others in the tavern instead of helping her.

“Why are you asking me if I have a child back home? What gave you that idea?”, she asked once she finally calmed down.

“Well, I saw you buy a toy when we were in Val Royeaux. I thought I would ask...” His tone was definitely suspicious.

“Is it because the existence of a worrying family waiting for me to come back after all of this would be great for the book you intend to write ?”

“How did you know I wanted to write a book?” — “I didn't.”

“Oh I see what you did there, Sassy Bear.”

“I learnt from the best.” She winked at him and they laughed together. He had found this nickname for her while they were in the Hinterlands. At that time, they were hunting a bear when she had made the worst pun ever before answering Cassandra's lack of smile in a very sassy way.

“Sorry to disappoint you but no, I am neither... How do you say it ? Married? I'm neither married nor mother of a child.” She thought of Valyhris. She should write her a letter later.

“But it would be a lie if I told you that no one is waiting for me. I have a niece, she's five years old now. I raised her, in a way.” She didn't say more, and he didn't ask for more.

“Come on, we're done here. Let's take a walk.”

“But Varric, it's cold outs-” She couldn't finish: he was already pushing her out of the tavern.

“Look. We arrived yesterday evening from the Storm Coast, and we will be leaving again tomorrow for the Hinterlands. Eating and drinking during our day off is more than fine by me, believe me, but it may not be what's best for you. You used to live in a clan, right?” She nodded.

“Who do you really know here? Solas doesn't count, he's just weird.”

“Well, there's you and Cassandra. And I'm really friend with Josephine now. Iron Bull is awesome but we only just met. I like Sera too, but I don't know if she likes me.”

“Then she's out. That makes three and a half. We've been with the Inquisition for quite some time now and you didn't have time to meet other people than the ones you travel with. Don't tell me you don't feel lonely when you used to live in a clan.”

He was right. When she was with her clan, she used to crave for times alone but now that she was indeed alone, she dreamed of spending time with people who actually cared about her. She missed the comfort and the love.

“Tonight won't be about you and me. It will be about you, and me, and the soldiers. This is where we party.”

“You want us to party with the soldiers? Varric, most of them were templars and I'm a mage.”

“The Commander used to be a templar but you two seem to get along alright.”

He was right, _again_. She sighed and silently followed him. A few soldiers were gathered around a fire, telling stories and jokes. The mood was surprisingly good, given the situation. Varric asked them if they could join and they all gladly accepted. One even offered her his stool and sit on the ground. They were given cups filled with wine and they all cheered. For a moment there, she felt like she was Lothiriel again and not just the 'Herald'.

A very bitter mead was poured in her mug, and they were all cheering for her to drink it all up. She was already drunk and if she accepted this one, she would definitely be the drunkest she had ever been in her life. The cup was almost at her lips when someone took it away from her.

“Hey! I was about to drin-” She stopped right there. All of them did. A pair of golden eyes were glaring at them, clearly angry – there was no doubt about it. She gulped and wondered if this guilty feeling was what Valyhris felt every time she got caught for doing something wrong. He put the cup down in a religious silence, and dismissed all of his men, including the dwarf.

“Hey, Curly-”

“Not now, Varric.” The Commander delicately put her on her feet and led her back to Haven. Varric let them pass, sending a sorry look to his friend.

Walking in a straight line wasn't an option for drunk Lothiriel who kept slipping on the ice and snow. She suddenly felt the ex-templar's hand on her waist trying to guide and help her, and that's how she noticed he was without his imposing armor. She thought about his strong arms holding her and her cheeks reddened even more, as there were already pink because of the drinks and the cold. They finally reached her cabin.

“It's closed.”

“Of course it is, I'm not stupid you know”, she said while raising a finger to make a point.

“Then where did you put the key?” His tone was harsher than usual.

“Did you even listen? I-am-not-stupid, you will never know where I put my key because I will never ever tell you.”

“You do realize we need it to put you in bed?”

“Duh- Of course you need it to put me in bed, my bed is in the room behind the door which is closed because I closed it.”

“Then give me your key so I can open it.”

“I see no reason why I should.”

“As I just said, to put you in bed.”

“But why would you want to put me in bed? Oh wait... I did not think you were that kind of man Commander, I'm disappointed in you. This is one more reason for me to not give you _my_ key which I do not keep in the pocket at the front of my bag.” She paused while he was looking at her in disbelief. “What?”

He raised the hand that wasn't holding her and showed her- “My key! How did you get it? This is theft, I _will_ tell Sister Leliana about this.”

“For the love of Andraste, I truly hope you remember all of this tomorrow.”

“I will.” — “There might be a chance that you won't.” — “I'm telling you I will, and I don't like you questioning my memory Commander.”

He gently pushed her inside and closed the door behind him. Thankfully, she sat on her bed by herself, saving him the trouble of forcing her into it. He helped her get her boots off as well as her satchel, coat, jacket and- How many layers of clothing did she have on over her shirt? She was now too tired to say anything and let him help her. The warmth of the blanket made her smile and she slowly closed her eyes. She soon fell asleep, lulled by the rough hand shyly – and somewhat awkwardly – caressing her cheek.

 

 _Bonus_ (because why not?):

The loud banging on her door woke her up in an instant. Too loud, way too loud. _Stop it, it hurts_.

“Boss, if you don't open this door in the next three seconds, I'll charge in. I'm not called the Iron Bull for nothing.” She sat and hid her head in her knees. What a headache... 

“Just come in Bull.” She regretted not adding 'silently' when he violently entered the room with a big smily face.

“Varric told me you got wasted last night; I wish I was there. Next time, come party with my chargers.” A hoarse sound came from her throat as an answer.

“I would have let you sleep all morning but your Commander is harassing us because we're late. I don't know what you did last night, but he's in a very bad mood.”

“I don't remem-” Oh no, she did remember actually. She blushed intensely, feeling ashamed of what she had done the night before. The sight was a delight for Iron Bull though, who did not miss the chance to mock her.

“I smell a good story there, Boss! You'll tell us on the way.” He kept on laughing; she could still hear him even after he had left and closed the door. She took a few seconds to gather her thoughts before getting up. There was no way she could face the Commander from now on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Fen'Harel's teeth!


	7. The wicked game of time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Between Redcliffe and her (first ever) argument with the Commander, Lothiriel gets quite a lot of bad surprises.

“What is wrong with this place?” Lothiriel put her staff away and looked around her, trying to look for clues. The strangest thing had happened while they were fighting the demons to close the rift that prevented them to enter Redcliffe Village. Sometimes, it had felt as if time itself had been altered; she had found herself being slowed down or on the contrary, being faster than anybody else.

“We still don't know what the rifts can do. That one appeared to alter the time around it...” Solas noticed the same thing then. Maybe Fiona would know something about it; either way, it wasn't normal. As soon as the gates opened to let them enter, they were joined by one of Leliana's scouts who had a bit of information. Apparently, no one was expecting the Inquisition to come.

“What do you mean 'no one'? We received an invitation from Grand Enchanter Fiona herself.” The scout shrugged his shoulders, enable to give her a proper answer. How strange. She couldn't think further about it as an elvhen mage interrupted them.

“Agents of the Inquisition, my apologies! Magister Alexius is in charge now, but hasn't yet arrived. He's expected shortly.” They all stayed in awe, especially Iron Bull and Blackwall who had joined them the day before, as they both disliked everything that was linked to Tevinter in one way or another. “You can speak with the _former_ Grand Enchanter in the meanwhile. She's at the tavern.”

Once they were alone, Lothiriel turned to face her companions. She had come to the Hinterlands only with Varric, Iron Bull and Solas but they had followed the trace of Blackwall before going to Redcliffe. He had proposed his services to the Inquisition – which they accepted – and was now traveling with them. As a Grey Warden, he was a fighter; they needed good fighters, as many as possible, it was war after all. They didn't have to speak to know that they all had the same thought: something was off. The presence of a magister, added to the weird phenomenons they had witnessed, couldn't be ignored.

“Let us talk to people in town first.” The village wasn't big but it was very charming. She liked the rustic houses and the trees that were growing everywhere. Once they reached the bustling harbor, she lingered and enjoyed the simplicity of it. Most people refused to exchange words but not all. Those who agreed to speak with them seemed to distrust – if not hate – this Magister Alexius. They also met desperate people who needed help. Lothiriel always took time to listen to them and promise that she would do anything in her power to help. The conflict between mages and templars had made many victims; she truly believed it was the Inquisition's role to support them. They then slowly made their way to the tavern.

**-Gull and Lantern-**

They all looked at each other, as if to check if they were ready, and entered the place. The room fell completely silent at their arrival. Grand Enchanter Fiona, who was sitting, rose on her feet to greet them. The greetings, however, were all but warm. They were not welcome here.

“What has brought _you_ to Redcliffe?” She didn't even bother to hide her suspicious tone – or look.

“Er... You invited us here? We met in Val Royeaux. You told us to come and meet you in Redcliffe. I'm sure of what I saw.”

“I haven't been in Val Royeaux since before the Conclave.”

Lothiriel stayed silent. This was proof that something weird was happening. She took a step back, instinctively regrouping with the others. Fiona then confirmed that she was no longer in charge of the rebel mages who had pledged themselves to the Tevinter Imperium. It partly explained why a magister would be in control; the absence of the Arl of Redcliffe was still a mystery though.

“Andraste's ass... I'm trying to think of a single worse thing you could have done. And I've got _nothing_.” Varric's words were harsh but indubitably true.

“I understand that you are afraid, but you deserve better than slavery to Tevinter.” Solas appeared to be less exasperated than the rest of them. Didn't they know that such a decision would make the people of Thedas hate them even more? Mages were already not trusted, they didn't need this to worsen their reputation. Lothiriel kept her opinion to herself but didn't think any less of it: the mages had done a terrible mistake. She was a mage, she understood that they wanted to be free, but an alliance with Tevinter? She almost wanted to throw up. And Fiona was an elf! How could she trust a magister? Did she not know what they did to elves there? As a Dalish, she couldn't accept that. It disgusted her, but there was nothing she could do about it anymore. It was too late. She had arrived too late.

“All hope of peace died with Justinia. This bargain with Tevinter would not have been my first choice... But we had no choice.”

“Stop lying to yourself. Having 'no choice' does not exist: we can always choose to refuse.”

She stopped talking when she heard the door to the tavern open and close. A man in a strange attire made his appearance. She didn't have to ask to know who he was.

“Magister Alexius.”

***

“Alexius distorted time to reach Redcliffe before us, and with what we saw? I have no problem believing that.”

The first thing she did when she got back in Haven was to call for a war council. She didn't know if she had the authority for it, but the situation was dangerous enough for her to do it anyway. Less than ten minutes after she had gotten off her horse, they were already all around the war table. She hadn't sent a report so she told them about everything she had learned in person.

“And I wouldn't be surprised if this cult he's a part of – the Venatori – was behind the Breach and the death of Divine Justinia.”

The silence was too heavy for her, so she added :

“The Inquisition must act now.”

“But we don't have the manpower to take the castle! We can still give up this nonsense and go get the templars.” She couldn't believe it. And she had thought that the Commander had become more reasonable. He was just as stubborn as he was when they first met.

“It's ridiculous. We cannot let Redcliffe in the hands of a magister!”

“This is a problem between Ferelden and Tevinter, it doesn't directly concern the Inquisition.”

“You can't be ser-” They were yelling at each other when Cassandra stopped her.

“She is right Commander, we cannot let this stand.” Lothiriel was frowning so hard that her forehead started to hurt. She didn't care though, and looked away from the Commander who had – probably more violently than he had initially wanted – put his gloved hands on the table. As usual, Josephine was the one to resume, soothing their nerves with her singing antivan accent.

“The letter from Alexius asked for the Herald of Andraste by name. It is an obvious trap.”

“The letter is enough for us to know that he clearly wants to kill you... Which brings us back to the problem that is Redcliffe Castle.” These were the first words from Leliana since the beginning of the council, and they were not encouraging.

“It's one of the most defensible fortresses in Ferelden. If you go in there, we could lose the only mean we have of closing these rifts. This is not an option.” The Commander wasn't shouting anymore, but he kept firm.

“If we don't meet Alexius, we will not only lose the mages but also leave a hostile foreign power on our doorstep!” Leliana also agreed with her. Was the Commander the only one against her going back to Redcliffe? Lothiriel turned to Josephine: her opinion would determine their action.

“Even if we could assault the keep, it would be for naught. An “Orlesian” Inquisition army marching into Ferelden would provoke a war. Our hands are tied.” Lothiriel sighed and closed her eyes.

“The Magister has outplayed us.” The Commander's voice stayed in the air as a sword above their heads. But she couldn't let it go; from what she had seen, Alexius was dangerous. She wasn't foolish enough to think that she could go alone, but she wanted to believe that there was a way for the Inquisition to free Redcliffe.

“We can't give up. There _must_ be something we can do.” The absence of response almost discouraged her, but she fought the feeling. “Come on. I know we can do this. Is the front door the only way to access the castle?” She looked around, trying to find support. Leliana offered better though: she had a solution.

“Wait. There is a secret passage, an escape route for the Arl's family. It's too narrow for our troops, but we could send agents through.”

“Won't they be discovered before they even reach the magister?”, asked the Commander.

“That's why we need a distraction.” Lothiriel felt all the looks on her as she grasped the meaning of this. It was the best plan they had. Agents specialized in silent killings moving through the passage while the attention was focused on her: it could work.

“The plan puts you in the most danger. We can't, in good conscience, order you to do this.” The Commander was obviously not pleased with the plan but even he was clever enough to know that it was the only way to get a chance to strike the magister before he did.

***

So, this Dorian Pavus was coming with her; sweet. She didn't know what to think about him and was still suspicious but he knew the magic used by Alexius, and that was not negligible. And his mustache was almost better than Harritt's. They had all left the war room except for her and the Commander. She had meant to stay alone but apparently, that wasn't happening. “If you have something to say, just say it.” She was harsh and for once, she actually meant to be.

“Why?” She rolled her eyes. 

“If you're going to answer with a question, could you at least be more specific?”

“You could have let it go! You could have picked the safest way to do things and go to the templars but no, you choose to run into danger just to stay with your own kind.”

“Oh so that's how it is?! Of course, _you_ do not want to side with the templars for the sole reason that you are one yourself!”

“I suggested that we side with them because I do not wish for you to be used as bait!”

“This is my choice, Commander. This magister did all of this because of me, because of this mark; it is _my_ responsibility to free the mages from his claws.”

“But if you go in there, you could _die_.”

They both stayed silent for a moment. She was aware of the possibility and didn't need him to remind her of it. The idea of entering this castle knowing they would be outnumbered frightened her, but she couldn't ignore the situation in Redcliffe. If she abandoned the village to go find the templars, she would never forgive herself. And if the Venatori were indeed behind the explosion at the Conclave, then this magister was their first lead in their investigation. It was dangerous, but she was convinced that this was the best approach.

“I cannot allow it.” The soft and weak voice of the Commander drew her out of her thoughts. He took a step toward her as if he was holding a white flag. There wasn't any sign of animosity in his behavior anymore. They were now close enough for her to look into his eyes. The anger had left, and all she could see was fear. He was afraid, terrified even, but she was too blinded by her own fury to notice.

“Fortunately for the mages, you're not the one who gets to decide.”

She didn't let him answer and quickly left the room to go and pack her stuff, leaving the Commander alone behind her. She would do this, with or without his blessing. She didn't need it anyway, it wasn't as if she cared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be a little different from the game (I only changed one thing, but it's kinda big). At first, I wanted it to be canon but I changed my mind at the last minute :)  
> And as always, thank you for reading! :D


	8. Ma ghilana mir din'an

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lothiriel is sent into the future by Alexius, and what she sees/lives there will change her forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 0% canon (totally not 0% but I'm sure you get the idea...)  
> *chapter title translation: Guide me into death

Lothiriel had left Haven without even saying goodbye to the Commander. She was told by Dorian that their yelling had entertained the entire building but she didn't care. She was still mad at him for being so narrow-minded. She knew she was guilty for overreacting but she couldn't control her overwhelming feelings. She had done so much to understand him and to act better with the templars in Haven – she even got drunk with some of them – in order to improve their working ~~(yeah right)~~ relationship, it hurt her to see that, despite what he could say, he wasn't actually ready to accept her for what she was: a mage. She felt like all these moments they had spent together, learning about one another, had been for nothing. She was conscious that it was ridiculous of her, and even though she didn't want to admit it, she knew that she would have never reacted like this if it had been someone else than Commander Cullen. But every time she was alone with him, she wasn't the Lothiriel she wanted to show the world, but the Lothiriel she truly was. It's not like she had feelings for the man – she clearly didn't, at least for now – but her undeniable attraction to him made her do and say stupid things.

She was now alone with Blackwall and Varric, as Dorian went in the tunnel with the agents. The Redcliffe castle war dark and poorly lit; the whole atmosphere was cold as ice. She hated it, she hated this place. A man with blonde hair – a strange yellow, not like the Commander's – appeared to greet them at the entrance which was guarded by men who were dressed in a fashion that reminded her of the magister's clothes. _Probably a sort of Venatori uniform_ , she thought.

“The magister's invitation was for Mistress Lavellan _alone_. The rest will wait here.”

“They will not. Where I go, they go. And if they cannot come with me, then magister Alexius better come down here to talk, or I will simply take my leave.” She was now more used to showing authority. Since that day at the Conclave, she had faced so many people wanting to hurt her with words, that she had grown in the art of being strong – not that she wasn't before that. They were led to a large room, surrounded by guards, where Alexius was waiting for them with his son and the former Grand Enchanter. They were announced as if they had been introduced to a King. The magister calling them “friends” disgusted her; she wanted this to be over, but she had to buy some time, it was her mission here. The agents of the Inquisition had to arrive safely and for that, all the attention had to be directed at her.

“I'm sure we can work out some arrangement that is equitable to all parties.”

Fiona protested against the absence of mages during the negotiations even though these would be about their fate. As much as Lothiriel couldn't respect her for her bad choices, she had to admit that she was right; mages should be part of the talks, if talks there were. Of course, as any control freak, the magister was against the idea.

“If it is fine with the Grand Enchanter, I would like to welcome her as a guest of the Inquisition.”

The magister did not say a word and sat on the throne again as an attempt to remind them that he was in a situation of superiority. She was scared – of course she was – but she did not surrender to her fears. She would not let him get to her this way. Always on her guard, she took a step forward to close the gap.

“The Inquisition needs mages to close the Breach, and _I_ have them. What shall you offer in exchange?”

“Nothing.” The room fell completely silent. “The mages are not yours, you have nothing to bargain with.” The magister's loud laugh echoed strongly in the unfurnished hall.

“I would rather we discuss your time magic, if it is alright with you.” He refuted her accusation, but the way he had stopped laughing was enough for her to believe Dorian and Felix. Speaking of which, the magister's son turned against his father in front of everyone. His bravery impressed her; she had never been in his situation, but it certainly looked like a difficult thing to do.

“Felix, what have you done?” She wanted to tell him to stand back, to get behind them. He was so close from the magister... But screaming something like “FELIX, MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF HERE” wasn't exactly discreet.

“Your son has done nothing wrong; he is just concerned about you Alexius.”

“Do you think you can turn my son against _me_?” Good, at least his anger was aimed at her, not Felix anymore. He was his son and she wanted to believe that he would never hurt him, but she couldn't be sure. “You walk into my stronghold with your stolen mark – a gift you don't even understand – and think you're in control?” He rose from his sit, and looked at them from the top of the few steps that separated them.

“You are nothing but a _mistake_.” So he did know more about what had happened at the Conclave! The Venatori were indeed behind the Breach. She had to know more. This subject was perfect to buy more time for the agents in the tunnel. She asked about the mark.

“It was the Elder One's moment, and you were unworthy even to stand in his presence.” The Elder One? Who is that guy now? She stayed silent while Felix tried to reason his father. If the Venatori worked for this Elder One, then he probably was behind all of this. The explosion at the Conclave, the mark, the Breach, the death of the Divine. She needed to learn more about him.

“Listen to yourself! Do you know what you sound like?” Felix looked desperate. As any son, he loved his father deeply; it was clear as day that all of this pained him greatly.

“He sounds exactly like the sort of villainous cliché everyone expects us to be.” Lothiriel recognized Dorian's voice but didn't turn around to look at him. She was the target here, she had to stay vigilant. Hearing him was enough to bring her some relief: if he was there, then the agents would soon arrive.

“The Elder One has power you would not believe. He will raise the Imperium from its own ashes.”

“The Elder One can do better than turning back time?” If what he said was true, if this man truly had powers greater than playing with time, then the Inquisition was not ready for him. The only power they had was to close rifts; they didn't have support, they didn't have a big army either. The thought made her shiver... If they wanted to win, if they wanted to live, they needed to step up their game.

“He will make the world bow to mages once more! We will rule from the Boeric Ocean to the Frozen Seas.”

She let Dorian intervene; Alexius was his master once. If their bond had once been as strong as the bond she shared with Keeper Deshanna, then there was still a chance to convince him that he was wrong. She wanted to believe that he could still be saved. She knew that was her biggest flaw, her optimism, her willingness to believe in people... But they had to try. If it failed, then they would do something. If it was possible. She hoped their agents were still doing well, they wouldn't come out of this place alive without them. Felix even joined Dorian in trying to persuade Alexius that he had gone astray, but he had already succumbed to madness. He said it was to save his son from dying, that this was the only way to save him. She didn't understand it all, and she didn't have time to think more. He ordered his Venatori guards to seize them. She instinctively reached for her staff to defend herself but no one attacked. Alexius's men were now replaced by their agents. She sighed in relief and regained confidence.

“Your men are dead, Alexius.”

“You... are a mistake! You never should have existed.” After that, all went down pretty fast. Alexius took out a sort of amulet which had Dorian act quickly. The shock of both magic created a weird vortex that looked like nothing she knew. Then, it all went dark.

***

She had never felt so sick in her life. Her head was spinning, her legs felt weak, she wanted to throw up and she was... soaked? She looked around and couldn't figure out where she was. It looked and smelt like sewers. The most shocking was that the walls were covered in red lyrium. She remembered the first time she saw that kind of lyrium: it had been at the Temple of Sacred Ashes, right after the explosion. Dorian was beside her and looked as puzzled as she was.

“Do not touch that red lyrium. It's dangerous.” — “Thank you for warning me before I took a few pieces home for breakfast.” Imitating Valyhris, she sticked out her tongue at him. She quickly pushed aside the thoughts about her niece as now was not the time. This place was creepy, they had to get out of here but before that, they needed a plan.

“Displacement... It's probably not what Alexius intended. The rift must have moved us. But to what? The closest confluence of arcane energy?” How the hell would she know! He was the ex-apprentice, if someone here could tell where they were, it was definitely him.

“Let's see... If we're still in the castle, it isn't- Oh!” He paused and looked at her as if he had made the discovery of the century. “Of course. It's not simply where. It's _when_. Alexius used the amulet as a focus. It moved us through time!”

“Dorian, your smile is disturbing, you are not supposed to be happy about this... Anyways, it doesn't sound good at all, I hope there is a way to go back.”

“We must look around and find out where – or should I say when – this rift took us. Only then will we be able to find out how to get back... If we can.”

“That is not reassuri-”

Two voices that were not their own could be heard from the top of the stairs that led to the room they were in. They were getting close. Dorian and Lothiriel positioned themselves on each side of the passage to surprise their enemies. She couldn't die here, not now. She had to go back to Valyhris, Athlen, the Keeper and- She didn't dare think of it. It was ridiculous to put him, a man she merely had a momentary attraction for, among the people she truly cared about. The two guards were almost there... Three. Two. One.

She barred the door with her staff at the last moment to make them trip and quickly planted her blade in the neck of one of them, between his helmet and his armor plate, to kill him silently. There was no need to alert the whole castle by being loud. Blood spurted out of the wound and stained a major part of her outfit. Judging by the look on Dorian's face, it was more than probable that her face was stained too. The water they had been walking in was now tainted in red. When she first joined the Inquisition, killing had been hard for her but she had learnt to do it fast during her travels. As usual, she told herself that it was necessary, that it was them or her. She methodically searched their bodies for anything that could help them and found a key that she put in her satchel.

They quickly, but silently, went up the stairs and followed the only path that was opened to them. Strangely, they did not meet other guards after the first two. The castle was weirdly empty. They soon arrived in a zone that used to be a jail. It was now filled with red lyrium. They both stayed silent, but they surely asked themselves the same question: what was it doing here? In one of the cells, they found a man... chanting.

“Andraste blessed me, my tears are my sins, Andraste guide me...”

“Sir, can you hear me?” He didn't, and kept on chanting. “What did they do to you...?” This man was not himself anymore. Praying for Andraste seemed to be the only thing he could do to preserve himself from horrors. She closed her eyes and rested for a short instant. What had happened here? It pained her to leave the man behind, but they had no time to lose. They had to go on and find a way to get back to their present. A few rooms later, what – or more exactly who – she found was shocking.

“Varric! Varric is that you?” She shook the iron doors but they wouldn't budge. Dorian, calmer than she was, reminded her of the key they had found earlier; it was a miracle it worked.

“Andraste's sacred knickers...” Just by that, she could tell it was the Varric she knew... Almost. He was consumed by red lyrium; he even glowed like it, and his voice had completely changed. Never had he appeared so weak before. _So this is what red lyrium does to you_. The sight both frightened and angered her.

“You're alive? But- Where were you? How did you escape?”

“We didn't escape”, Dorian answered. “Alexius sent us into the future.”

“Everything that happens to you is weird.” — “It's not what matters right now. What happened to you Varric ? Why are you- You look...” It was too hard for her to finish.

“Bite your tongue! I look damn good for a dead man.”

“You're no more dead than we are.” Dorian's pragmatism. She was getting used to it.

“The not-dying version of this red lyrium stuff? Way worse. Just saying.”

“We get to Alexius, and I just might be able to send us back to our own time. Simple, really.” The silence that followed worried her. 

“Out with it Varric.” — “Well... That may not be as easy as you think. Alexius is just a servant. His Elder One assassinated the Empress and led a demon army in a huge invasion of the south. He rules everything or what's left of it anyway. Alexius... He's really not the one you need to worry about.”

She couldn't believe what she was hearing. The Empress, as the Empress of Orlais, was dead ? And there was a gigantic army of demons? And what did he mean by “what's left of it”? She immediately thought of her clan. If what he said was true, in this future, they were all dead... Valyhris included. That was not acceptable. She will not let that happen. More motivated than ever, she promised her friend that she would set things right.

“You want to take on Alexius? I'm in.” That was exactly what she wanted to hear.

They then found Blackwall who appeared to be completely traumatized and angry. He wouldn't believe that they weren't dead, that they were indeed alive, but the idea of making Alexius pay was enough for him to tag along. He was even able to give them some information about Alexius. Apparently, he barely left the throne room. All the cells were filled with people in the same state as Varric and Blackwall. She wished she could save them all but discretion was key, and most of them were already lost anyway. The best way to prevent this was to go back to their present to stop Alexius from the beginning. She noticed the Former Grand Enchanter, Fiona, in one of the cells and stopped to check on her. She was alive, but it was still too late for her. As the others before, it was a shock for her to see Dorian and Lothiriel alive and well.

“Tell us what's happening. Is red lyrium growing out of you?” — “The red lyrium is a disease... The longer you're near it... You become this... Then they mine your corpse for more...” It made her furious. Alexius and his Elder One could only be demons if they were capable of doing such things. Dorian asked what date it was. _Clever_. 

“Harvestmere... 9:42 Dragon...” They have missed a whole year. Wait... It only took a year to do all of this? How terrifying.

“Dorian. Losing an entire year in my life is out of the question. We have to get out of here.” — “Please... Stop this from happening... The Elder One is more powerful than the Maker... No one challenges him and lives...” Lothiriel simply nodded, not sure if she wanted to make a promise. She wanted to set things right but would she be able to?

“Our only hope is to find the amulet Alexius used to send us here. If it still exists, I can use it to reopen the rift at the exact same spot we left. Maybe.” — “We must try Dorian, it's our only hope.”

“On last thing...” Fiona was clearly struggling even more now. “Your Commander... He's here... Find him...”

She couldn't believe it. The Commander was here? But what about the others? What about Leliana and Josephine? Knowing that he was alive made her intensely mad. Seeing what they had all been through... She wished he had died quickly and avoided all of this. She remembered the last time they had talked. It had ended badly because of her, because of her stubbornness. He had tried to ease things right before she had stupidly stormed out of the war room. And now here they were, in a future where they all suffered from their failure. If Dorian could do this, if they managed to survive and go back in time, then she would apologize. She would do it for sure.

***

They were all breathing loudly, from stress and from exhaustion for running. They were lost. The castle was huge and they had no way of knowing where they were going. Now, they had to choose between two doors. _Which one?_ Suddenly, she heard a cry of pain coming from the door at her left.

“You will break.”

“I will die first.” She recognized the Commander's deep voice and flung the door open without thinking. The tormentor turned around to check on the intruders but his prisoner lost no time and strangled him with his legs. His neck eventually snapped broken, making a loud cracking sound after it was twisted violently. The saviors, who ended up doing nothing, watched in awe as the guard fell dead to the ground. Lothiriel looked up and her gaze met a tired man. She thanked Mythal as it didn't look like he had been exposed to red lyrium... But did it mean that he had been tortured for an entire year? She hoped that he had only been captured recently. His golden eyes, without their sparkle, just looked plain yellow and his already slim face was now bony. His hair had grown a little longer and were all curly and tangled. She didn't even want to look at his body for too long, his white shirt bearing many blood stains. Where was the proud and tall Commander she knew? She couldn't control the pain and sadness she felt for seeing him like this; she wanted to take him into her arms, to tell him it was alright. Except it wasn't. She took the key from the dead man's body and freed him as he mumbled something about her being alive.

“I am”, she whispered softly while helping him to get back up.

“Did you come back from the dead?”

“No, I didn't.” — “Then how?”

“Alexius sent us into the future. This, his victory, his Elder One – It was never meant to be”, Dorian answered.

“If Dorian and I get back to the present and stop Alexius, then you will never have to go through this.”

“And mages always wonder why people fear them.” Back in their time, she would have been angry at him for saying such a thing with a tone as cold as his. But after seeing all of this, she had to agree with him. Mages were not only a danger because of abominations... They could become a danger themselves because of their ambitions.

“Alexius is either in the throne room or his chambers. I heard he never ventures anywhere else.” That was a good start. It was at that moment she noticed that the Commander was still holding onto her. At first, she thought it was for support, but she barely felt his weight on her. His hand was just resting on her waist and preventing her from getting away.

“Do you have weapons?” His voice startled her. It wasn't one of a weak man anymore. It was the voice he used with his men, strong and bossy, determined. They all nodded and gave him a sword they had found earlier. He finally let her go and took a knife on the table to store it in his boot. “Let us go then.”

They followed him through the many corridors and only exchanged a few words. The castle was covered in red lyrium, and rifts had spawned absolutely everywhere. According to the Commander, all Thedas resembled this. They decided that they would try to go to Alexius' quarters first, as they would be less guarded. They found some clues on the state of Thedas and some notes – useful only to Dorian – about this special kind of magic that was time magic. They found no Alexius. They were coming out of his chambers when they met a group of soldiers and a fight was engaged. They tried as much as possible to make it quick and silent but it sure was bloody. As a mage, she was more used to fighting from a distance but here, she had to fight at a closer range. Her gloves were so much covered in blood that it was now impossible to tell that they were once beige. This time, Cullen did the body searching and found the key that opened the doors to the throne room. They didn't waste any time and ran straight to the great hall of the Castle. Lothiriel put the key into the hole... And the stone doors magically (literally) opened. They was no one inside except for the one they were looking for. He was standing by the fireplace, turning his back to them.

“Alexius.” She saw him tilt his head but he did not turn. “It is time for you to pay for your crimes now. I will not let you get away.”

“Here you are, finally. I knew you would appear again, not that it would be now. But I knew I hadn't destroyed you... My _final_ failure.”

“Look at what you have done, and for what? Was it all worth it, what you did to the world, to yourself?”

“It doesn't matter now. All we can do is wait for the end.”

“It _does_ matter, Alexius. We can undo this!”

“How many times have I tried? The past cannot be undone... All that I fought for, all that I betrayed, and what have I wrought? Ruin and death. There is nothing else. The Elder One comes: for me, for you, for us all.” Suddenly, the creature at Alexius' feet was lifted up by the Commander who threatened to slit its throat. The gesture immediately alarmed the magister. “Felix!”

“Felix?” They were all shocked, but Dorian was the first in line. “That's Felix? Maker's breath, Alexius, what have you done?!”

“He would have died Dorian, I _saved_ him. Please... Don't hurt my son... I'll do anything you ask.” The Commander slightly turned to look at Lothiriel. His look was harsh, revengeful but confident. She studied Felix and closed her eyes for a second before handing down her judgement. “Do it, Commander. End his suffering, but make it quick.” And quickly he did. Blood spilled everywhere in the room, the green carpet changing colors just as her gloves did. She closed her eyes, not willing to witness this or to receive blood in it. When she opened them back, Felix – or what was left of him – was laying on the ground, and Alexius was ready to battle them even though he had no guard with him and they were five of them.

Alexius was an incredible mage and they had a lot of troubles fighting him. And because they surely were the unluckiest persons in the entire world – past and future apparently – a rift began to form above their heads, in the room itself. Not only did they have to face a powerful magister, but also creepy demons falling from the rift. It felt like hours. They were exhausted and all their limbs threatened to give away. She wanted to give up, to let her heavy staff go, to fall on the ground and pray but she kept on going, finding strength wherever she could. Valyhris and the Inquisition needed her in their present; they had to win this fight to have a chance to go back. She would keep casting spells even if it meant that Falon'Din, the God of Death, would come and guide her to the Beyond. Then it disappeared; his barrier broke down for the first time, and one of Varric's crossbow bolts as well as Blackwall's sword found his heart. His body fell at the warrior's feet, lifeless. Cullen killed the last demon, giving her enough time to finally close the rift. Catching their breath, they regrouped around Alexius's and Felix's dead bodies.

“He wanted to die, didn't he? All those lies he told to himself, the justifications... He lost Felix long ago and didn't even notice. Oh, Alexius...” The pain Dorian felt was communicated to all the others in the room.

“I know you cared for him. I am sorry.” — “Once, he was a man to whom I compared all others. Sad, isn't it?” He quickly changed subject. “This is the same amulet he used before. I think it's the same one we made in Minrathous. That's a relief. Give me an hour to work out the spell he used, and I should be able to reopen the rift.” Cullen interrupted them and deprived her of a moment of relief.

“An hour? You don't have that much time, you must go _now_.” The entire castle shook and rubble dangerously fell upon them. What was that sound? It looked a lot like... “A dragon?”

“The Elder One”, Cullen rectified.

“There's a reason they won”, Blackwall added. Varric and him shared a look, and she knew what it meant. No, she was against this plan, they couldn't do this. “We'll go on ahead, take out as many as we can. Cullen, you're the last line of defense. Give them what you've got.”

“I-I can't let you do this. I can't let you die for-” — “Lothiriel.” The Commander took her by the shoulders the same way she always used to do with Valyhris. None of them noticed he had used her name instead of 'Herald'. “Look at us. We're already dead. The only way we live is if this day never comes.” He turned to Dorian. “Cast your spell. Now.”

Varric and Blackwall were already running for the doors which they closed behind them. She had the key which meant only a strong blow could destroy the hard stone. It was now incredibly silent in the room.

“There is something I wanted to tell you since the day you left for Redcliffe”, the Commander started. “I don't know if the old me is really going to do it, he might get cold feet so... Just in case: I am deeply sorry, for everything. I know I hurt your feelings in the war room that day. I apologize, you were right.” It felt so much like he was saying goodbye that she had troubles keeping her tears to herself. But she had to stay strong, she couldn't cry, not now. She wanted to tell him that it was her fault, that she had been the one acting like a child, but she knew that if she let out a single word, she would just break.

“There is one thing I want to do before I-. Don't move.” She looked up and the Commander was noticeably closer now. The distance between them became smaller and smaller until they were separated by only a few inches. He approached, slowly, and she was too shocked to do anything. His dry lips reached hers in a soft kiss while she stayed there, unable to move, unable to even close her eyes. She eventually let it go and answered the kiss, giving a dying man his last wish; and giving in to hers also, perhaps. It was gentle. He caressed her cheeks with his calloused hands and she remembered the touch she had felt that night when he had walked her back to her lodge after a drunk night: she hadn't dreamt it, he had indeed caressed her cheek after all. She just laid her hands on his now scrawny chest. She completely forgot about her surroundings and held onto the warmth they were emitting. The sound of clashing weapons reached their ears and they both broke off the kiss. His eyes, who had been a simple yellow until now, were burning with fire again. He smiled and gazed at her as if he was trying to remember every feature. Suddenly, he pushed her to Dorian and strode off, preparing for battle. He was the last wall. He had to stand until they were safe.

“I'm almost there!” She grabbed Dorian's shoulder and watched Cullen wait for the door to fall apart, as he started to pray out loud. “Though darkness closes, I am shielded by flame.”

The banging was making the walls and the ground quake until it flew open. Varric's body flew with it and ended up behind the Commander who charged in. She had never seen anyone fight like this. It was the fight of someone who had nothing to lose. He was getting injured, but he never put a knee down and always kept on reciting his prayer. “Andraste, guide me. _Maker, take me to your side_.”

She wanted to go help him but Dorian stopped her from doing so. She watched him as he formed an impenetrable wall against the soldiers and demons. And then, she saw what she had never wished to see: a clawed hand pierced through his body, making him spit dark blood. His already stained shirt became red entirely as it got drenched in his own blood. He looked at her to check if he had failed, and his golden eyes shone one last time as she went through the vortex, tears welling up in her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me tell you something again: thank you <3


	9. A magical alliance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lothiriel comes back in Haven after the dreadful events in Redcliffe. Someone's not happy with the news she brings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last part of the chapter is from Cullen's POV :D

“You'll have to do better than-”

The sound of Alexius's jaw dislocating, or maybe even fracturing, resonated in the hall, preventing Dorian from finishing his sentence. Lothiriel was still holding the man with her left hand, her right one hanging in the air. Her tears had stopped from flowing, but her eyes were still red from anger. Even though they came back from this terrifying future, she couldn't forget what she had seen there: the people asking for the Maker to end their suffering, the sky almost entirely swallowed by the Breach, her friends sacrificing their lives for Dorian and her to save them. The last one was the hardest. To witness their deaths had made her more angry than ever before. She was determined to do whatever it took to avoid this future she dreaded. She finally let the Magister go and he fell on his knees, not asking for forgiveness but out of desperation. Perhaps some in the room pitied him; she did not.

“You failed.” Her voice was deep and strangely neutral.

“You won... There is no point extending this charade.” If he could speak, it was probably a fractured jaw more than a dislocated one. She laughed at him; it was a short and cold laughter.

“As if I wanted to.” She felt Dorian's hand on her shoulder and tried to cool down. She looked at her right and noticed her friends for the first time since coming out of the vortex, alive and well. She closed her eyes, taking some time to realize that the nightmare was over, that they now had a chance to fight and change this future. She only turned away from them when she heard the magister call for his son.

“It's going to be alright, Father.”

“You'll die...” His voice cracked from the pain he felt about his son dying before him. She didn't care about his feelings, but it did pain her to know that Felix would soon leave this world for the Beyonds, whether it got better or not. They didn't know each other very well, but she admired his bravery. He was a good man and a good son. Thedas needed people like him, but he was destined to die early; how unfair.

“Everyone dies.” He proved how courageous he was once again, braving death with honor and wisdom. He was young, but he was so much wiser than most. Two agents of the Inquisition tied Alexius's hands and the family left the room.

“Well! That's over with!” She envied Dorian's somewhat joyful temper. She was definitely calmer than she was a few minutes before, but she was still angry, furious even. At first, she had wanted to kill Alexius right after getting out of the vortex, but she had restrained herself and only punched him. Her hand was sore from it, but it was worth the hit. They all suddenly faced the door that led to the throne room at the sound of many loud and heavy steps. It almost sounded like a marching army. She was surprised to see so many guards to protect only two people. The woman was tall, and her skin, fair. Her blonde hair were tied in a perfect bun, not like Lothiriel's, and even from the distance, the elf could see how intense the blue of her eyes was. She sure was a beautiful woman. The man beside her was also incredibly handsome. He was approximately the same height as the woman; his shoulders were not enormously broad but his muscles seemed to be finely defined under his vest. His hazel eyes suited his strawberry blonde hair that he styled the exact same way as the Commander. They actually kind of looked alike, and her heart ached when she remembered the way he had died in front of her eyes a few minutes before, in this future she hated. She got a hold of herself and tried to focus on the fact that all the ones she knew, and maybe cared about, were all alive. She wanted to ask who these two beautiful and apparently important persons were, but she wasn't given the opportunity to do so.

“Grand Enchanter, we'd like to discuss your abuse of our hospitality.” Fiona immediately moved from her corner and bowed to them, calling them majesties. “ _Are these people the King and Queen of Ferelden?_

“When we offered the mages sanctuary, we did not give them the right to drive our people from their homes.” She was harsh but right. Fiona had done something completely stupid, especially if she had been granted hospitality by the King and Queen of Ferelden themselves.

“King Alistair, Queen Anora, I assure you, we never intended...” So they were indeed the royal couple of Ferelden. How gracious they were.

“In light of your actions, good intentions are no longer enough.” — “You and your followers have worn out your welcome. Leave Ferelden, or we'll be forced to make you leave.” For a second, Lothiriel felt glad she wasn't on their bad side. Their decision was fair, but the way they handed down their judgement with such confidence intimidated her.

“But... We have hundreds who need protection! Where will we go?” There, it was her chance. The purpose of all of this was to get help from the mages. And if the mages were no longer under the protection of Ferelden or Tevinter, then the Inquisition could, quite conveniently, take their place as protector.

“Come with us, with the Inquisition.”

“And what are the terms of this arrangement?”

“Hopefully better than what Alexius gave you. The Inquisition is better than that, yes?” Lothiriel glanced at Dorian; she believed that, of course, but she wasn't in charge of the Inquisition. Theoretically, she had no power to make this decision, to decide what to do with the mages. Cassandra and Cullen would certainly want to conscript them while Josephine and Leliana would prefer for them to work with the Inquisition as allies. Why did it always have to be ex aequo? All were looking at her now. She had to say something, fast; something that would make the mages agree to come with them to Haven.

“Fight as allies at the Inquisition's side. The Breach is a threat to all of Thedas, we cannot afford to be divided now... And we can't fight it without the mages. If we want to succeed, we need your full support.” Even though her companions seemed to approve of her decision, she feared the moment they would arrive in Haven. She knew two warriors who would cut her head off with a great deal of pleasure when learning about this. At this point, she just wished Leliana and Josephine would support this alliance, and not scold her for making such a decision without asking them first.

“It is a generous offer. I doubt you're going to get a better one from us.” They all stayed silent while Fiona considered the pros and cons of the offer.

“We accept. It would be madness not to. I will gather my people and ready them for the journey to Haven. The Breach will be closed. You will not regret giving us this chance.” Although she was unbelievably satisfied with the result of these short negotiations, Lothiriel scratched the back of her neck at the thought of a certain Commander beheading her.

***

Dorian promised he wouldn't say anything to anyone about what had happened in Redcliffe with the Commander from the hypothetical future. He hadn't seen much anyway since he had been concentrating on the spell that would get them back to their present. It was a relief for Lothiriel to know that it would be kept a secret. No one could know about it. It was from a timeline that wasn't their own, it would never happen here, and it was better this way. Because they waited for the mages to be ready to leave the village, she had already sent a vague report to Sister Leliana, telling her very little about what had happened but more about the Inquisition's new alliance. She crossed her fingers, hoping that by the time she got back, Cassandra and the Commander would have digested the news.

_Sister Leliana,_  
 _Alexius is not dead but he has been arrested. The mission was a success._  
 _He did manage to send Dorian and I in the future with his time magic, but we found a way to come back. It was more than apocalyptic. Empress Celene had been assassinated, there was red lyrium everywhere, the Breach was everywhere, and the South had been invaded by a gigantic army of demons._  
 _King Alistair and Queen Anora made an appearance – I still can't believe how good-looking they both are – and banned the mages from Ferelden. I offered them protection on behalf of the Inquisition; I hope you don't mind. Also, I did not know if you would decide to conscript them or ask them to become our allies, but I had to make a decision fast. I chose the latter. I hope you don't mind either._  
 _I will see you in Haven in a few days,_  
 _Lothiriel Lavellan._

***

Upon their arrival, they were given some time to rest and a bowl of cold water to quickly wash up. She was finally able to take off her bloody clothes for something cleaner. Josephine had added new clothes to her wardrobe. If some of them were too sophisticated for Lothiriel, she did find happiness in a simple brown shirt, a leather vest of the same color, and khaki green pants. She quickly braided her hair and left her lodge after putting on her new brown gloves and coat. There was fur around the collar – not as much as the Commander's coat – to keep her warm, and she was thankful for it.

The Breach was still there, far up in the sky and shining, but it would hopefully soon be sealed with the mages' help. Speaking of which, she wouldn't be able to avoid Cassandra or the Commander for long now. She barely had ten minutes left before the council. On her way to the Chantry, she met Varric and Blackwall as they were talking (it was more Varric asking too many questions about Blackwall's personal life) and they gave her some words of encouragement, knowing that her decision to work with the mages as allies had annoyed quite a few people in her entourage.

When she entered the chantry, they were already all gathered and discussing the matter at hand. She slowly approached, not wanting to abruptly interrupt them. She knew she couldn't hide forever, but any second was precious.

“It is not a matter for debate.” The wrathful tone of the Commander made her want to turn back and flee. “There will be abominations among the mages, and we must be prepared!”

“If we rescind the offer of an alliance, it makes the Inquisition appear incompetent at best, tyrannical at worst.” Lothiriel let out a sigh of relief when she heard Josephine take the defense of her decision. She was now at their side but she couldn't find enough strength to look at the Commander. For _so many_ reasons. Even though she was sure that no one would ever know about it, she was still feeling uncomfortable about the kiss. It hadn't been this man in front of her, it hadn't been the Commander she knew, but it didn't make it any less weird.

“What were you thinking, turning mages loose with no oversight? The Veil is torn open!” They were definitely not the same man. The one in this future she had seen had felt remorse because of their argument before her departure for Redcliffe. This one was adding both oil and wood to the fire even though she had risked her life to get back in Haven.

“We need them to close the Breach.” She still wasn't looking at him, but at the ground instead. “We need them to cooperate with us, not blindly obey because they're our prisoners.”

“I know we need them for the Breach, but they could do as much damage as the demons themselves.” It felt exactly like this day when they had fought in the war room. There was less yelling now – they had learnt their lesson – but it most certainly wasn't cordial. And just as before, Cassandra was the one to step in to stop the two.

“Enough arguing! None of us were there.” _Indeed, you were not_. “We cannot afford to second-guess our people. The sole point of the Herald's mission was to gain the mages' help, and that was accomplished.”

“The voice of pragmatism speaks!” Lothiriel smiled instantly when she saw her new friend. They had talked a lot on the way to Haven, and she had become very fond of his eccentric personality. “And here I was just starting to enjoy the circular arguments.” Lothiriel chuckled when Cassandra just ignored the man.

“Closing the Breach is all that matters.”

“Well... Dorian and I got a taste of the consequences if we fail... Let's make sure we don't.” She went from laughter to extreme sadness in a second, and she couldn't even hide it. This hypothetical future that would be theirs if they didn't do anything still frightened her and made her want to frantically cry. Leliana reminded them of what was at stake: the Inquisition could not let the Empress die or let a demon army grow under its nose.

“Sounds like something a Tevinter cult might do. Orlais falls, the Imperium rises. Chaos for everyone!” So beautifully put. But it was most certainly true. These Venatori were behind all of this with their Elder One. They needed to find out more about that.

“One battle at a time. It's going to take time to organize our troops and the mage recruits. Let's make this to the war room.” Lothiriel prepared to leave, and even made sign to Dorian to go with her. She had been to a few councils but only when her own missions were discussed. Other than that, she stayed out of the war room.

“Join us.” She already had her back facing them when she heard the invitation from the Commander. What surprised her the most though was his voice. It was soft and gentle. She was ashamed to admit that she had missed it. “None of this means anything without your mark, after all.” She smiled and turned to finally look at him in the eyes for the very first time since the beginning of the council.

“And I thought I had time to take a nap and a good bath. Maybe go for a walk.”

“What is it they say? 'No rest for the wicked'?” His smile made her own grow even wider and she felt warm as she slightly blushed for no apparent reason. Now she was sure of something: this man was moody, changing mood so fast truly was a talent. Josephine also invited Dorian to join them.

“I'll skip the war council, but I would like to see this Breach up close, if you don't mind.”

“Then you're staying?”, she asked Dorian with enthusiasm.

“Oh, didn't I mention? The south is so charming and rustic. I adore it to little pieces.” She giggled but quickly answered him, telling him how surprised she was by his decision to stay.

“We both saw what could happen, what this 'Elder One' and his cult are trying to do. Not everything from Tevinter is terrible. Some of us have fought for aeons against this sort of madness. It's my duty to stand with you. That future will _not_ come to pass.” These probably were the most comforting words she had heard in a very long time.

“There's no one I'd rather be stranded in time with, future or present.” She even gratified him with a wink. It was thanks to him that they had been able to come back after all.

“Excellent choice! But let's not get 'stranded' again anytime soon, yes?” She wanted to answer something that she thought was awesome but was denied that pleasure by the Commander who very quickly put an end to their exchange by talking about more serious stuff such as preparations to sealing the Breach.

“Maker willing, the mages will be enough to grant us victory.”

***

“These seem too powerful to be mere bandits. My skirmishers can harass their flanks, and give your clan a chance to retreat safely while I uncover the truth.”

“Please do! If the clan hunters cannot take care of these harassers, then they're in great danger and I- I'm not there to protect them. I can't fail them, they're all I have.”

Her pleading voice echoed in the war room; Leliana was the only one to move by nodding to the Herald. They had received a letter from her Keeper asking the Inquisition for help against heavily armored bandits attacking them. The news had, obviously, immediately upset the young elf who was still walking in little circles, her mind wandering somewhere else. Cullen wished he could go to her and erase the worried look on her face. How afraid he was to admit that this particular woman in front of him brought out his sense of protectiveness in a way he had never experienced before. They barely saw each other at all and lately, the very few times they did, their conversations had ended up badly with them arguing but his attraction to her had only grown. Every time he raised his voice against her, he regretted it the morning after, once calmer and a day wiser. He missed the kind of friendly talks they used to have after long tiring days and wished she would forgive him for his stupidity. Placing a veil before his eyes was not an option however: he knew he had deeply hurt her feelings because of his stubbornness and the odds of her giving him another chance were close to inexistent. He repeatedly cursed himself for being so blinded by his fears every time they spoke about mages, for not being able to put them under control. Strangest thing was that he didn't feel any of them with her; she was a mage and yet, he trusted her completely, unable to link her to the idea of abominations the same way he linked the other mages to it. To speak of a lack of understanding would be an understatement when referring to his growing crush on the Herald. She was a mage, the Herald of Andraste, a holy figure to them all, a dalish elf whose clan was waiting for her elsewhere. He was but a soldier, a man with no future, a ghost of what he could have been, had he not been at the Circle so many years ago. There was no future for them together – and she would never accept him anyway – but he had done nothing to stop her from invading his thoughts. There was a time when he would only think about her once in awhile but since their dispute before her departure for Redcliffe, he had let her visit him in his most intimate dreams, waking him up in the middle of the night with a hard-on he was ashamed of. He couldn't believe what an idiot he was to relish these feelings even though she was so far away; he should force himself to let it go, but he held on to it; he held on to her.

Cassandra was now beside Lothiriel, awkwardly patting her back in an attempt to comfort her. He wished he could be the one by her side. He would have taken her in his arms and rubbed her back as gently as he could; he just wanted her to be safe. Would she feel this way in his arms? He tried to ignore the sharp pain that came from the thought that she wouldn't. He was unstable, especially since he had stopped taking lyrium. He would never be good enough to offer her what she deserved: a safe place to breathe, a safe place to let it go. He snapped out of his thoughts when Josephine's soft voice suggested they ended the war council. He agreed, as there was nothing else to talk about anyway.

He was surprised to see the mage from Tevinter waiting outside of the war room. Lothiriel's broad smile returned on her face when she saw him. Had he been waiting for her? Apparently. The overwhelming jealousy he felt almost crushed him, making him frown and clench his fists to prevent himself from doing anything stupid such as pushing the man away from her, or worse. Of course, this handsome and well-mannered mage was better suited for her but seeing with his own eyes that she was actually getting so close to someone was unbearable. She had met this Dorian guy only a few days ago but they already seemed to share a special bond, and it made him mad to think that even though he had known her for quite some time now, he on the other hand was still afraid to touch her. He had found the courage to do so once, when she had been too drunk to notice and remember. The memory of her soft and delicate elven skin under his fingers brought a little sweetness to his unreasonable anger, which was growing more and more every second he stayed and watched the pair happily talk and laugh. He was interrupted in his moment of self-destruction by a cleric who needed a book that was laying on the table behind him. When he looked back up, the mage was leaving the chantry alone and Lothiriel was walking toward him. His heart began to pound loudly in his chest and he wondered if she would be able to hear it in the religious silence of the building. He noticed his breathing was completely erratic too and decided that he would focus on maintaining a steady one, wishing it would help him get through this conversation without saying anything stupid again.

“Varric is right.” He had thought she would be harsher with him – she had every right to – but she kept it friendly and even shyly smiled at him. He asked her to be more specific, curious about what the dwarf was saying about him.

“You frown way too much. It does give you this mysterious look that many women must find very attractive I am sure, but you should try to relax sometimes. Relaxing can do wonders to the body you know and as a warrior, you should care about that.” Even after all he had said to her, she still thought about his welfare? It made it even more difficult for him to find something to say to ask for forgiveness. He had imagined many scenarios in which he looked more confident than he was now and had been brave enough to tell how sorry he was. But now that he had a chance to do it, his mind wouldn't work properly. He was so stressed about it that he completely forgot to answer her.

“I didn't say that to be mean, pardon me. It is just something Josephine recommended me; to relax between travels. I thought it would be a good advice for you too. I'm sorry if I-”

“No, please, no. There is nothing you should be sorry about. I was so lost in my mind... I didn't even answer you. It was rude, forgive me.”

He was torn between wanting to see more of her beautiful smile or the total opposite. It was not helping him to get over this ridiculous infatuation. There was now an awkward silence between them; he thought hard about a way to say that he wasn't only asking her to forgive him for his weird behavior a few seconds before, but also for his rude and hurtful demeanor entirely. He was about to talk when a female servant interrupted them.

“Pardon me, my Lady... Lady Josephine asked of me to interrupt you in whatever you were doing to tell you that a bath has been prepared for you, and that you should take this opportunity to relax.”

“Thank you Lara. I'll come with you.”

She gave him a sorry look and quietly left the chantry. Once she was out of sight, he closed his eyes to control his thoughts. He hated his imagination: he did not need to think about her in her bath, it was completely inappropriate, especially while being in a religious building. Quickly praying the Maker and Andraste for absolution, he fought hard to suppress all these sexual thoughts. But trying not to think about the curve of her hips and breasts voluptuously moving while she was getting undressed, or about her wet and soft tanned skin sensually shining while she was slowly rubbing and caressing it with a sweet scented soap only had him think about it more.

He swiftly walked back to his tent where he hid himself from the world. He sat on his camp bed and waited for his baby-maker to calm down after going full salute ~~(if you see what I mean hehe)~~. All of this was getting out of hand. He had to find a way to get a hold of himself before it became a creepy obsession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, Cullen's loosing it haha The perfect Chantry boy is changing into a naughty boy for Christmas! But as you might have noticed, I don't want to explore this side of him completely yet though, so NSFW chapters with Cullen will have to wait for Skyhold :) Their attraction for one another is still pretty fresh. And Cullen's slowly rediscovering that he's not just a former templar and a Commander, but also a man with needs. Primal needs. I believe that for someone who spent his entire life not wanting anyone in it, it'd take time to adjust and accept it. :)


	10. Ar isalan ish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lothiriel finally takes some time to reflect on her life during her bath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One paragraph is NSFW (#QuickSoloTime)  
> Small chapter ahead!  
> chapter title translation: “I want him”

The water was so hot that steam had quickly filled the room and fogged up the windows. Lothiriel took her clothes off, methodically folding them and putting them on the bed, and slowly slid in the steaming bath. It took her some time to adjust to the temperature but once she did, she felt completely relaxed despite all of her worries. She silently but constantly prayed for her clan to be safe and hoped that her friend Athlen wasn't injured or worse. As best hunter of the clan, he would have been in the front lines when attacked. Valyhris was the one who occupied her mind the most though. She trusted the Keeper to tell her if anything happened to the kid, so she took the lack of information about her niece in the letter as good news but she still wondered if she was afraid, if she understood what was happening to the clan.

Lothiriel had never stayed away from the clan for such a long period of time and she missed them all. She missed being scolded by Keeper Deshanna and the hahrens, talking for hours or playing cards with Athlen, playing and hugging with Valyhris after sneaking out of the camp. She somewhat liked her new life as an agent of the Inquisition and was now more used to her title of 'Herald of Andraste', but it didn't make it any less difficult for her to comply with a more human way of life than what she was used to. With her travels and all of her adventures, she now barely had time to pray for Mythal and Dirthamen even though there was a time when she would ask every single day for them to protect the ones she loved and to guide her on the path of knowledge in order to become the best Keeper she could. Perhaps the clan was now in danger because she had stopped taking time for the elven Gods, giving it to the Chantry instead; perhaps she was punished for accepting to become a holy figure for adepts of another religion, of another race; but did she have the choice? Was staying faithful to the dalish traditions _that_ incompatible with her duty as bearer of the mark? The reasonable thing to do was for her to stay with the Inquisition and use any mean possible to seal this Breach and stop this “Elder One” from plunging their world into chaos. She knew she was making the right decision, but she dreaded the fact that the price to pay might be the loss of her clan, of all the ones she cared about. Leliana had sent some of her best agents to help which meant that there was a chance for clan Lavellan to get through this; she _would_ take Valyhris and Athlen in her arms again. She had to believe. She needed to believe.

She snapped out of her thoughts, remembering Josephine's words. This bath was meant for her to relax and take some time for herself – and herself only – away from the Inquisition's worries. Even if she deeply missed her clan, she had to confess that she had met amazing people since starting her journey with the Inquisition. They still had much to learn about one another but this was made easy by the fact that they almost all lived together, always traveled together and fought against dark forces together. They could even _die_ together. She already had this sense of friendship, family and loyalty before but for the last few weeks, it had only grown. It was a new feeling entirely to get attached to people in a way that didn't involve a clan.

This world she was discovering now that she had left the clan? She liked it. It was one thing to be familiar with the humans' lifestyle, but another to experience it. As a dalish elf, she was used to hide from humans and be on her guard; it was the first time that she actually dared to move so freely amongst them, proud of who and what she was. It had been a surprise for her to see that despite her origins, she was accepted as one of their own. She was even called the 'Herald of Andraste'. These humans who were part of the Inquisition didn't care about her background, they simply believed in her, in her ability to seal this Breach. If they had been able to change their mind about one dalish elf, could they change it for all of them? And could her kind do the same? She wanted all of this to be a sign that a time of peace and acceptance would soon be blooming in Thedas.

Could the Inquisition also play a role in the conflict that opposed the mages to the templars? They had already stopped their madness in the Hinterlands but the means used to achieve it had been as barbaric as the ones they hunted down to protect the refugees. She wondered if it was possible for the mages and the templars to get along – or at least accept each other enough to avoid any mass murder. As a dalish, she couldn't understand the mages' situation precisely but she knew enough to say that the Chantry was going too far in their attempt to control them. But after what she had seen in Redcliffe, it was clear that they could be profoundly stupid and dangerously ambitious, and only the templars could effectively take action against them. Outside of a Circle, it probably was possible for them to cohabit.

This thought led her to think about her relationship with the Commander. He was a templar – maybe not officially anymore but he still behaved as one most of the time – and she was a mage, but there were times when they got along very well. Actually, they only fought when they specifically talked about the mages' alliance; other than that, their conversations were peaceful, if not friendly. They were the perfect example that a mage and a templar could walk on the same ground and still be fine... Were they? It had been a very long time since their last real exchange and it had been really weird in the Chantry between them after the war council, even if she had tried her best to ignore the fact that he hated the presence of mages in Haven. She was concerned that, maybe, he hated her too now. Upon examination of the fact that the Commander from the future had kissed her when knowing that he would eminently die, she had determined that before the events in Redcliffe, he had been attracted to her in a similar way that she was to him. But in this future, there wasn't any alliance with the mages initiated by her and this particular decision had maybe changed the way he saw her in their present.

She closed her eyes and tried to ditch all of these worrying thoughts once again. She wasn't very good at it, was she? Wishing she could find a way to arrange their relationship, her hand moved on its own to touch her cheek where the Commander had once laid his fingers. She remembered a cold and rough hand, but it had felt nice nonetheless. Her mind betrayed her by making her remember this kiss they had never shared, this kiss only her would keep a memory of. She wanted to forget about it but every time she tried, she ended up longing for his lips instead. They were so different from his hands, soft and warm, sweet and delicate. She knew how wrong it was to let these thoughts go on but she wanted to feel them again, not only on her lips, but also on her cheeks, chin and neck. She wanted him to leave wet kisses on every spot her hands brushed. The heat from the bath combined with her carnal thoughts had an aphrodisiac effect on her, making her feel... horny. Acknowledging it made her blush even more but it didn't make her stop. Still imagining how it would feel for the Commander to kiss and touch her where her hands were, she let them slide very slowly from her neck to her breasts and delicately caressed them. She very rarely touched herself – life with a clan wasn't exactly prone to personal pleasure – and the mild touch gave her shivers. She kneaded her breasts, even gently pinched one of her nipples; thinking that he would probably not be so dainty made her blush and sheepishly smile. While one of her hands kept massaging, the other one began to make its way down, taking its time however. She hesitated about going further, but the desire was too strong and her will too weak for her to put up resistance. She felt her hair under her fingers when she timidly stroked her private parts. It felt nice; it _was_ nice. And the more pleasure she received from it, the less shy she appeared to be. _Ar isalan ish*._ She was now so unaware of her surroundings that anyone could knock on the door and she wouldn't even hear it. Her breathing intensified and a shy moan escaped from her mouth when she felt it come. And when it did, it came as a torrent, a violent blast of wind. Her legs closed on her hand as if it would help her face the wave of pleasure that had flooded her mind. Long seconds passed during which she didn't move, slowly realizing that she was still in her bath which was now barely warm.

It had been a very long time since she last had this kind of strong and unstoppable sensation, and now that she was coming back to her senses, she felt ashamed of what she had just done. It wasn't the idea of pleasuring herself that embarrassed her the most but the fact that the man in her thoughts when she did had been the Commander of the Inquisition, a man she would never be able to look at ever again. She made a promise to herself that she would never repeat this, that it would be kept a secret, a one time thing just as this kiss she couldn't stop thinking about when she had some time off. She had strayed for a moment but she felt better now and she was confident that she would not feel this sort of need in the future. Her final decision was that she would not be awkward with the Commander: doing this had freed her from this sexual attraction she had been locked up in since day one. At least, that was what she wanted to believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I want him (same as the chapter title haha)  
> Because this chapter was so short, it probably won't be long before I post the next one!


	11. Ar juvena ma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Inquisition finally marches in order to seal the Breach for good. Little did they know that they wouldn't have time to celebrate once done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title translation: “I will find you”  
> I meant to post this chapter earlier but classes and homework wouldn't let me, sorry! I hope you like it, as usual :)

It was decided that all of Lothiriel's companions would march on the Breach with her, Leliana, Cassandra and a contingent of soldiers as well as the best of the mages. Josephine and Cullen would stay behind in Haven in case anything wrong happened at the Temple of Sacred Ashes. The Commander had objected, but the spymaster won the argument with the support of all the other leaders of the Inquisition. The elf felt bad for him but secretly thanked the Gods for letting her do this away from his judging gaze. She did not need for him to see her use the mark and magic.

Snow had fallen since the last time she put a foot there, making the view even more apocalyptic. The place was still infected with red lyrium which was now glowing on the grayish ground, the result of the white snow and the dark ashes blending together. The mysteriously levitating rocks, the headless statues and the menacing stormy sky did not help her relax.

Leliana and Cassandra were giving out orders to the soldiers and the mages about how they should place themselves around the gigantic rift while Solas was giving her instructions and advice on how she could successfully seal the Breach. She listened to him carefully but quickly got annoyed by his sometimes condescending tone. She had a lot of respect for the man and saw him as a good friend but sometimes, she just wanted to tell him to shut up.

“Solas. I think I know more about the mark than you do. It's on my hand, not yours.” He seemed to be taken aback by her sudden rebellion against his lessons but didn't say anything until they were joined by Cassandra. All of her companions gave her encouraging looks, looks that gave her enough strength to move toward the rift even though she was terrified. Now was the time to make things right, to heal the sky by closing this wound. She feared powerful demons would come to their world again but knowing that doing this was necessary to save Thedas, she put another foot in front of the other; and another one; and another one.

“Focus past the Herald!” Solas's voice echoed in the burnt ruins, adding to the heavy atmosphere. “Let her will draw from you!”

She was now right under the rift and looked at her hand which was reacting to the Breach. After closing her eyes, Lothiriel took a deep breath to psychologically prepare herself. Was she ready for this? Had she prepared enough? Could she still die? These questions would stay unanswered until the end, but what end? It could be the Breach's or hers. She focused on the people she cared about, they were the ones who could give her enough confidence to go through this. Failing wasn't an option; she would succeed no matter what it would cost her. This was the decision she had made the day she agreed to follow Cassandra to work for the Inquisition and now was not the time to change her mind. She raised her hand high and there it was: this strange tingling she felt every time she closed a rift, growing from her palm and invading her fingers and forearm. The longer she used the mark on the Breach, the brighter it shone. The Temple – what was left of it – was filled with this disturbing greenish light. Her hand was starting to hurt badly when she felt something invisible but warm trying to reach her. Was it magic coming from the mages, going through each and every one of her blood vessels? The rush of power destabilized her for a second, but she didn't flinch or doubt. She focused on her hand and used this help she was receiving to add power to the mark. The green faded but the light only intensified until it blinded them all.

The sudden explosion was stronger than the ones she was used to when closing smaller rifts. She couldn't compare with the one that had occurred here the last time she had tried to seal the Breach as she had lost consciousness. The blast knocked over her companions and the mages who were right behind her but she was somehow protected from it and ended up merely falling on one knee. On one hand, she wanted to look up and see if they succeeded but on the other one, she was afraid to face a possible failure. But if it didn't work, at least she was still alive and bearing the mark for the Inquisition to find another plan and try again. She only got up when she saw Cassandra by her side with a shocked expression on her face. _Is it that bad?_ The lack of demons was suspicious after all.

“You did it.”

She dared looking up at last, and saw with her eyes that the rift was indeed gone. All of her muscles were sore from closing the rift and according to her own diagnosis, she would probably feel the ache for a few days. Because the rift had been the main source of light at the Temple, it would be quite dark if it wasn't for the soldiers' torches and the red lyrium. Even after sealing the Breach, the place was still frightening. Lothiriel casually turned around to find her friends and go back to Haven to officially bring the good news – she figured they had all witnessed the explosion from afar – but she was stopped in her tracks by loud cheers coming from not only the soldiers, but also the mages and her companions. Not used to this kind of demonstration, her first reaction was to turn to Cassandra for an explanation; she didn't get one, but the soft and proud gaze she received from the warrior was enough for the elf to understand that the cheers were meant for the Herald of Andraste. She wanted to tell all of them that it wasn't just her, that this was the result of teamwork. Her emotion betrayed her though, and not a single word came out. For the first time since forgotten eras, soldiers – who for the most part here used to be templars – and mages were cheering together, hugging, laughing and sometimes even crying without regard to their differences.

***

As much as she enjoyed the festivities, Lothiriel sneaked out to find a quieter spot where she could rest her mind. Everything went so incredibly fast once they got back to Haven, she didn't get a minute for herself. It had been a pleasure sharing with everyone but most of her muscles ached and sealing the Breach had required a great amount of energy from her; she wondered if she would even be able to start up a small fire in her condition. Where she was now, she could still hear the music but not the people talking loudly or laughing until they coughed. She looked up at the starry sky and couldn't stop herself from doubting. It certainly was less scary than it was in the morning but there were green residues scattered around the place where the Breach used to be. Did these mean that their mission had been a grand success or on the contrary, a pitiful failure? The night before, it was still impossible for anyone in Haven to see the stars... The night-sky was retrieving its normal state, she took it as a sign that the world could be recovering from the Breach. She heard heavy steps crushing the snow coming from the distance but kept gazing at the sky: she didn't have to look to know that the person who joined her was the Commander.

“Solas confirms the Heavens are scarred but calm. The Breach is sealed.” She had been tired of hearing people chat during the party but listening to his voice was comforting. He was calm and collected, just as when they had conversed for the first times. She was glad he came to bring her the news. Solas had stayed behind to make sure that the Breach was now something from the past and was apparently back with excellent news. She didn't comment on it yet however, something odder having caught her attention.

“Since when do Solas and you talk to each other?”

He let out one of his incredibly soft and enchanting laughs – ironic for an ex-templar – before he began to sheepishly play with the snow at his feet.

“Cassandra was actually the one who gave me the information.”

“That actually makes a lot more sense.” Laughing hurt her thoracic muscles but she didn't care. “Do you think that the smaller rifts have also disappeared?”

“Unfortunately, we have reports of lingering rifts. Many questions remain but this was a victory, Herald.” Even though he had never sounded so proud before, she didn't notice it. “Word of your heroism has spread.”

“It wasn't _just_ me, many others were involved. It was only luck that put me at the center.”

“A strange kind of luck then. I am not sure if we need more or less... But you are right. This was a victory of alliance. One of the few in recent memory.” They were talking so quietly that it almost looked as if he was whispering. She then felt him tense for no apparent reason and immediately turned to face him, in case she could guess what was wrong.

“This alliance brought you enough power to both close the Breach _and_ come back alive. I admit that it was wrong of me to question your decisions in the first place when we should work as a team. I let my fears blind me and your feelings were hurt in the process even though you were right all along. I was a fool to hang on to what I thought I knew.”

She couldn't hide her surprise. Was he actually apologizing? She couldn't believe her ears.

“If you ever felt like I disliked you – or worse hated you – for being a mage, then let me express how sorry I am for my poor behavior. I should have known better and it wasn't my intention to insult you. I am not begging for forgiveness but I do want you to be aware that I feel remorse for how I treated you.”

He wasn't looking at his feet anymore but at the dark horizon. It was impossible to tell if he was blushing from the cold or from shyness, she found it adorable anyways. Even though it had sometimes felt like he had rehearsed before, she was sure that he was sincere. It was her turn to apologize now: she also had a lot to be sorry about.

“You may not be asking for it Commander, but I accept your apology. I understand why you couldn't trust the mages with this and why you wanted the Inquisition to get help from the templars. If choosing what we know is a crime, then I am just as guilty as you are. We were lucky that my foolishness led us to Alexius and allowed us to stop him but I wish I had based my decision to side with the mages on something other than my personal feelings. All I want to say is that I am sorry for not giving a chance to the templars even though I always talk about peace and understanding.”

She had barely breathed during her small and poorly organized speech. Talking with her heart was not something she should do quite often. She couldn't tell which one of them wore the expression of astonishment better. He was just standing there, unable to move, his golden eyes wide-open and his mouth slightly gaping.

“Don't look at me like that, I too know how to question myself. Sometimes.”

“Pardon me, I- I did not mean to stare. Er- It's-” He stuttered, _how_ _irresistible_ , she thought. He breathed out and cleared his throat before starting over. “Then I suppose we are fine from now on." He paused and then added : "With the Breach closed, that alliance will need new focus.”

The fact that he went back to being all professional amused Lothiriel who was delighted to discover this side of the Commander. Anytime she saw him, he was always confident but now that they were having a more personal conversation, he appeared to be extremely shy and clumsy. She didn't have time to analyze him more however: the warning bells rang out in all of Haven, instilling fear and incomprehension among its inhabitants. They both looked at each other in disbelief and quickly ran to the entrance of the village where Josephine was waiting for them with Knight-Captain Rylen, the Commander's second-in-command, who explained the situation.

“Commander Cullen, Herald! Forces are approaching!”

Her companions probably were partying together, seeing that they all arrived in a single group. As the most talkative of them all, Dorian was the first one to speak.

“Never a dull moment for Southerners, is there?” Obviously, he didn't like being disturbed while drinking. He was ignored by Rylen who went on with his report.

“One watchguard reporting. It's a massive force, the bulk over the mountain.”

“Under what banner?”, Josephine asked.

“None.”

 _What?_ They were all clearly lost and badly surprised. If these troops marching on Haven were not from any known army but still managed to be _that_ imposing, then it could only mean bad things. She knew the Inquisition had already made a few enemies and was yet to find more allies but such a demonstration of force was disproportionate. Whoever led this gigantic army didn't want war but wanted them dead. The loud banging on the door startled the team. The invaders couldn't already be there but it was possible that they had sent a messenger.

“I can't come in unless you open!” The voice belonged to a teenager. Lothiriel rushed to the doors to let him in but she was stopped by the Commander. “It's a child! We can't leave him to die.” If he pushed her aside anyway, it was only to protect her from any trap that could be waiting on the other side. He was bravely helped by one of his men and what he saw once the doors were opened looked like a nightmare. An enormous man entirely hidden under a heavy armor was walking toward them with an axe that might have been the same size as Lothiriel. The voice couldn't possibly belong to him... Could it?! Even if the chances of him winning against this monster were close to inexistent, he drew his sword, ready to fight and give the others enough time to retreat. If this army was full of men like this one then they were all doomed.

Thankfully, he didn't have to do anything. The tank suddenly fell to the ground and the snow below him turned red, soaking in blood. Behind him had been hiding a young man with a bloody dagger in his hand. Lothiriel was now beside the Commander, both amazed by the young boy's ability to silently kill their approaching enemy and suspicious concerning his presence here in Haven.

“I'm Cole. I came to warn you. To help. People are coming to hurt you.”

“You don't say...”

“Do you know what's going on?”, she asked, ignoring the sarcastic murmur that came from the Commander.

“The templars come to kill you.”

“Templars?!” Cole jumped out of scare when they shouted in surprise at the same time.

“Is this the Order's response to our talks with the mages? Attacking blindly?”

“The red templars went to the Elder One. You know him? He knows you. You took his mages. There!” He showed them the top of a hill she knew too well. A man and a monster – she couldn't think of any other word to describe _it_ even though she couldn't see much from where they were – were proudly standing and looking at them with looks full of hatred.

“I know that man... But this creature...”, the Commander muttered.

“Well... I suppose it is the Elder One.”

“Most templars are with him. A few of them fled before it was too late, they're on their way here.”

“Are you saying that a group of templars is joining us? Things got a little better I suppose, but it's still bad... Commander, we need a plan.”

“Haven is no fortress. If we are to withstand this monster, we must control the battle.” She definitely agreed on that point. “Get out there and help our men hit that force with our trebuchets.” He turned to face the mages and the soldiers that had regrouped behind them. He ordered the recruits to leave the field and help the people who couldn't fight reach the chantry.

“Mages, You!” By 'you', he addressed the group of former templars that had joined the Inquisition with him. “You have sanction to engage them! That is Samson, he will not make it easy!” So he really knew the man who was leading the Elder One's army.

“Inquisition! With the Herald! For your lives! For all of us!” She was surprised by two things: not only did he mention her before their lives in his speech, but he gave them all enough strength to engage the battle with only a few words. Mages and templars were once again cheering together, thanks to someone who deeply distrusted one of these groups not so long ago.

Lothiriel and her companions didn't waste any time. They separated in two groups of three and one group of four with at least a mage, a warrior and a rogue – she was with Dorian, Bull and Varric – and each group headed toward a trebuchet. Theirs was the farthest, they had to cross the entire camp to get to it although some red templars were already arriving. Now that she saw them, she knew why Cole had called them like this. They were all covered in red lyrium; by paying more attention, she understood how wrong she was about that. The red lyrium wasn't on them but growing out of them. Only bestial sounds came out of their throat, and their eyes had lost their natural color to a glowing red. These were not men anymore, and it pained her to remember that they used to be templars. Humans.

They had a lot of trouble finishing them because of their unusual brutal power and her own lack of strength due to the fact that she was still recovering from sealing the Breach earlier in the day. Most of the time, she used her staff and the blade at the end of it to physically fight instead of using her magic since doing so felt as if her veins burnt. She was grateful that another mage was with them to replace her inability to cast spells. She wasn't fond of fighting while being so close to her enemies but she didn't have any choice; it was made easier by the fact that none of these red templars bled. She supposed this strange phenomenon was due to the red lyrium.

From the distance, she saw a troop of templars, neither big nor small, running toward them. If they were to fight so many people at the same time, they would certainly be defeated; and even if they won by miracle, they would be seriously injured. The situation didn't look good until she saw the man who appeared to be the leader fight against a red templar. That's when she remembered Cole's words when talking about the templars: _“a few of them fled before it was too late, they're on their way here”_. Her team rushed to help even if they didn't look like they needed any assistance; they were trained templars after all, some of the best warriors in Thedas. When they reached the group, all enemies were already laying on the ground, dead. “The Herald of Andraste!” She recognized the man from Val Royeaux. He was the templar who had tried to stand up to Lord Seeker Lucius when the Order had officially turned its back on the Chantry. She didn't know his name – nor anything else about him really – but she trusted him anyway. As always, she listened to her gut.

“There is no time to lose. If you came here to help, follow this path, it leads to the chantry in the village where you will find Commander Cullen. I'm sure he'll be glad to know that you're not on the Elder One's side.” She didn't let him answer and left immediately.

They were finally at the trebuchet when they saw an enormous rock fly out in the air to fall right in the middle of the enemies' troops. This meant that at least one of the groups was doing fine enough for now. If it all went according to plan, it shouldn't be long before another rock was thrown. Because there wasn't any soldiers left, they had to load the trebuchet themselves as fast as they could before being disturbed by red templars who arrived faster than they had predicted. They oriented it toward the mountain, hoping it would cause a small avalanche.

“Let's be honest here, I can't fight properly right now but it doesn't mean I want to stay useless. I'm gonna need you to do as much damage as possible to give me enough time to launch this thing.”

“Boss, are you sure you want us to do 'as much damage as possible'?”

“Yes Bull, you are authorized to use that weird technique of yours as long as your axe doesn't come near me.”

She started working on the wheel that calibrated the trebuchet and let her friends take care of the fighting. She heard spells being cast, crossbow bolts being shot, axes clashing against swords and shields but she never stopped turning the wheel. Her arms ached from the movement but she thought of her friends who were risking theirs lives to allow her to do that, and she doubled her efforts. In the corner of her eyes, she saw two other rocks flying and crushing the invaders. The first group must have been able to launch another one and the second must have finally succeeded in defending their trebuchet.

She warned her friends when she spotted a red templar that was different coming from the distance. He was way taller than the others and entirely made of red lyrium. She prayed her Gods but also the Maker – the desperation made her believe in all Gods – for a way to break this armature and to save them from this monster. She took a glimpse at the counterweight and it looked like she was almost done. The shouts and growls behind her were terrifying but she trusted her friends to succeed. They were strong, they could defeat this beast. It took them a few more minutes to kill it and for her to push the handle and free the rock. She crossed her fingers, hoping their calculations were good... And they were indeed. The heavy projectile ended up its course on the mountain side and a considerable amount of snow rapidly fell on top of a large part of the Elder One's army.

This shriek... She had heard this kind before. She didn't want to believe it but it was impossible for her to deny what was real. The dark creature was flapping its hideous wings and coming their way. She shouted as loud as she could, ordering her companions to hide. They found cover behind a rock and witnessed the Dragon flying over them and destroying the trebuchet with a single breath. As soon as it disappeared, she came out of their hideout and kicked a pile of snow.

“Fenedhis*! That's just messed up! Let's go back to the gates!”

They ran as if their lives depended on it – well, they actually did depend on it – and were lucky enough to not meet a single templar. They soon reached the gates where the Commander was holding the doors and waiting for their return to close them.

“We need everyone back to the chantry! It's the only building that might hold against... that beast.” He walked past her and started going up the stairs. “At this point... Just make them work for it.” She didn't argue and only nodded, her other companions were probably already in the chantry. Her team and herself helped all the people they found in difficulty on their way there.

Bull helped the soldiers in closing the doors of the building, allowing her to catch her breath. Her muscles were already sore before the battle but it was a torture now. At her right, she saw Cole carrying chancellor Roderick who was heavily injured. _What happened?_

“He tried to stop a templar.” Her question was immediately answered by Cole without her verbally asking. The chancellor's act of bravery startled her: the man who had been a pain in the Inquisition's ass for weeks had deliberately put his life at risk to fight against people he once so vehemently praised.

“The blade went deep. He's going to die.” She hated the man for every thing he had said to and about her and the Inquisition, but she still felt bad for him. As loud as he could sometimes be, he had always been harmless. She took a look around where the young and strong were taking care of the eldest and the children. That's when she saw him coming out of a room and entering the hall.

“Herald!” — “Commander!” She took a few steps toward him but mostly let him walk all the way to her; her legs ached and she had to preserve any strength she had left.

“Our position is not good. That dragon stole back any time you might have earned us.”

“I've seen an Archdemon. It was in the Fade, but it looked like that...” It was clear that Cole was afraid. She hoped he was wrong though: an Archdemon would mean the beginning of another Blight and the Inquisition was not prepared for this, especially with the mysterious disappearance of the Grey Wardens.

“Whatever what it looks like. It has cut a path for that army. They will kill everyone in Haven!”

“The Elder One doesn't care about the Village.” Cole answered the Commander. “He only wants the Herald.” _Of course he does._

“If it will save these people, he can have me.” — “It won't. He wants to kill you. No one else matters, but he will crush them, kill them anyway. I don't like him.”

“You don't like him?” The Commander seemed to be exasperated and she wanted to tell him to go easy on him, he was just a teenager after all and he was giving them valuable information. “Herald, there are no tactics to make this survivable. The only thing that slowed them was the avalanche. We could turn the remaining trebuchet, cause one last slide.”

“But... We're overrun. To hit the enemy, we'd bury Haven!”

“We're dying but we can decide how. Many don't get that choice.” It was impossible, the Inquisition couldn't end like this. It was the only place in Thedas where all were accepted no matter what they were or where they came from. She believed in it, she refused to bury it.

“Cullen, there must be another way.” It's only after she said it that she realized she used his name and not his title. “I don't know if I can do this.” The idea of dying at his side wasn't terribly bad – except for the part where they die obviously – but it was beyond her strength to let Valyhris without any family left. She had made a promise to the little girl, she had said she would come back. _Will I break this promise?_

“Herald, I-” He was cut by Cole who looked like he just had a brilliant idea.

“Chancellor Roderick can help. He wants to say it before he dies.” — “Tell us then! We don't have much time”, she urged.

“There is a path, you wouldn't know it unless you'd made the summer pilgrimage. As I have. The people can escape... She must have shown me; Andraste must have shown me so I could tell you... If this simple memory can save us, this could be more than mere accident. _You_ could be more.”

“Then if the Elder One wants me, I should stay and prepare to start an avalanche while you all take that path. I should be able to give you enough time to leave Haven and be safe before it gets buried. What do you think? Could this work?”

The Commander grabbed her by the arm and moved away from Cole and the Chancellor.

“Possibly. But what of _your_ escape?”, he whispered, a worried look on his face. She looked away, unable to hold his gaze. She had to face the fact that no matter how many scenarios they came up with, she would always be the bait, and she would always die.

“I hate that you going there is the only way to pull this off. I saw you fight... You're too exhausted to use magic, aren't you?” She stayed silent, admitting he was right. “Take this. In case something happens to your staff.” He handed her his poniard, the one he always kept on the side of his belt that wasn't carrying his sword.

“Thank you, Cullen. If- If I don't come back, please tell my clan that I'm sorry. For everything.”

“Don't say that. Perhaps you will surprise it, find a way...”

“ _Vis ar ame tel dalem, ar juvena ma*_.” She softly said in the language that came most naturally to her. She corrected herself when she saw the look of incomprehension on the Commander's face. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to speak in elven. It means that if I – by any chance – survived this then I would definitely find you.”

They were interrupted by Knight-Captain Rylen asking for the Commander and a strident shriek coming from the outside of the chantry. It was only when he let her go that she noticed he had been holding her hand – more like her fingers – all along. She didn't linger and daydream for long though, and helped Cole get the Chancellor up on his feet.

“Herald... If you are meant for this, if the Inquisition is meant for this, I pray for you.” She smiled at the dying man, grateful for his prayers. She would need them if she wanted to survive, no matter if they were for the Maker or for her Gods. She was joined by Varric, Dorian and Bull.

“Oh no, you're not coming with me.” — “Yes, we are, Sassy Bear. You don't have to do all the work by yourself. And we want to be heroes too.” She sighed. “You can come but only if you promise me that you'll leave the second I tell you to.” A deal was made before the Commander came to them with his last instructions.

“Keep the Elder One's attention until we're above the tree line.” The four of them nodded in unison even if they were not quite ready for this. “If we are to have a chance – if _you_ are to have a chance – let that thing hear you.” The way he believed in her abilities gave her enough strength to go out and fulfill her possibly last mission as an agent of the Inquisition.

***

“Go back to the chantry, NOW!” They all did as she said while she finished to load the trebuchet. The beast was getting closer and closer so she didn't waste any second once she was done. She ran to hide but it was useless against the dragon who attacked her with a strange kind of fire. Lothiriel, who couldn't run as fast as she usually would, was touched by it but laying on the ground was not an option, she had to survive to push that handle that would release the trebuchet.

 _Mythal'enaste*_... In front of her, coming out of the smoke, was the Elder One. She recognized his singular figure so typical of some notorious darkspawns. Now that he was closer to her, she could see what he looked like exactly... And he was monstrous. He had two eyes, a nose and a mouth and yet, nothing about his face looked human. His silhouette looked more like a skeleton, especially with these dark ripped clothes and it would be best to talk about claws instead of fingers. A small part of her wanted to flee, but the other reminded her that she would still have no chance, and that she would deprive the people who were taking the path of their chance to live. She stood tall and kept her head up, even when the ground shook under the dragon's weight after his landing. She had to buy some time. Cullen hadn't sent her any signal yet.

“Pretender.” His voice was the same one she had heard at the Temple of Sacred Ashes the first time she had been there with Cassandra. If all of this still made her doubt, now she was sure that he was the one behind it all.

“You toy with forces beyond your ken. No more.”

“What are you? Why are you doing this?!”

“Mortals beg for truth they cannot have. It is beyond what you are, what I was.” So he used to be a mortal. _Wait... Does he mean that he is immortal then?_

“Know me. Know what you have pretended to be. Exalt the Elder One! The _will_ that is Corypheus.” Corypheus. She put in extra effort to remember his name. She would surely die, but she still held on to the idea that maybe she could survive, and if she did, then she would need that name and give it to the Inquisition.

“You will kneel.”

“I will not.” She bit her tongue and cursed her inability to think before talking. “Why are you here? You haven't even asked for anything!”

“I ask for nothing because it is not in your power to give. But that will not stop me.” He raised his hand that was holding a strange metallic orb glowing like red lyrium. It didn't look good. Not for her.

“I am here for the _Anchor_. The process of removing it begins now.” And as soon as he finished talking, her hand started to hurt like never before. Her knees were weak but she fought to keep standing while he went on about the Anchor that appeared to be the mark.

“It is your fault, 'Herald'. You interrupted a ritual years in the planning, and instead of dying, you stole its purpose. I do not know how you survived but what marks you as 'touched', what you flail at 'rifts', I crafted to assault the very Heavens.”

This time, whatever power he used on her, it was too strong and she let herself fall to the ground. She reached for the knife that the Commander had given her but the dragon crushed it before she could do anything, breaking the blade in two. Even if it was now useless, she held on to it and didn't let it go.

“You used the Anchor to undo my work. The gall!”

“The Divine died for this chaos?!”

“This 'chaos' will empower _me_ , and ensure we no longer beg at the feet of the invisible.” He violently grabbed her wrist and raised her in the air. She was too weak to defend herself or do anything and whatever that orb was doing to her, it didn't help.

“I once breached the Fade in the name of another, to serve the old Gods of the Empire in person. I found only chaos and corruption. Dead whispers. For a thousand years I was confused. No more. I have gathered the will to return under no name but my own, to champion withered Tevinter and correct this blighted world.” She noted that he was from Tevinter beside his name in her mental note. And how ironic was it for a darkspawn to talk about correcting a _blighted_ world.

“Beg that I succeed for I have seen the throne of the Gods, and it was _empty_.”

He threw her on the trebuchet and she felt like her rib cage was crushed. She clumsily got up, the poniard still in her hand.

“The Anchor is permanent. You have spoiled it with your stumbling. But so be it. I will begin again, find another way to give this world the nation – and God – it requires.”

And there it was, above the tree, the signal. The flaming arrow quickly faded but thankfully, she had time to see it. And right before this Corypheus killed her with his bare hands.

“And you... I will not suffer even an unknowing rival. You _must_ die.”

“You expect us to surrender and kneel. You're an arrogant fool if you think that we will. You'll face us all, when _we_ choose!” She kicked the handle of the trebuchet that would release it and didn't wait to start running. There was no way she could survive the avalanche like this, she had to find a way. She heard the rock hit the mountain side and the snow fall but all she focused on was her immediate surroundings. _Evanuris, Maker, anyone, please, help me_. The dangerous snow was right behind her when she spotted a hole in the ground and jumped in. She felt her head bang on something before her mind sank in darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Fenedhis : wolf dick  
> *Vis ar ame tel dalem, ar juvena ma : If I'm not killed, I will find you.  
> *Mythal'enaste: Mythal protection  
> As always, thank you all for following Lothiriel's adventures! :D


	12. A time of realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lost in the mountains, the Inquisition mourns the loss of the Herald. Both Cullen and Lothiriel face their feelings in their own way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh. My. Goodness. Can you believe we just hit 25 kudos? Because I can't! It makes me so happy, thank you all so much for taking an interest in Lothiriel's story. As a thank you, I have some Cullen's POV for you today!

Lothiriel's first reflex was to bring a hand to her aching head; it didn't feel like it had bled which was not reassuring: it could be an internal wound and that would be worse. She didn't have any healing potions with her, and the healing spells she knew would simply be ineffective. Her lack of strength wouldn't allow her to cast a spell anyway. She opened her eyes and by seeing how high the ceiling of the cave was, she understood why her body ached so much and how she could have died from the fall. She had somehow managed to survive the sealing of the gigantic Breach, the Dragon that could be an Archdemon, the Elder One who definitely was a darkspawn, the avalanche she caused, the crazy fall of the last chance and all of this in a single day. Still laying on what appeared to be a wooden board, she took some time to thank her Gods but also the Maker. She had also asked for his help in her hour of need and she had no way to tell which one of them had answered her prayers.

Because she was alive now, she had to do everything in her power to keep surviving until she found the group. She had told _Cullen_ that she would find him if she ever survived. There were so many promises she needed and wanted to keep. She got up with a lot of difficulty as one of her ribs – or more – was probably broken due to the fall. There was only one way for her to go and she didn't linger here. She didn't know what day it was so they could be a few hours ahead or a few days; either way, she had to be fast but her physical condition prevented her from running. The only solution was to move forward cleverly, using her staff to lean on.

It was starting to feel like hours when she found another room that looked like the one she had woken up in. The main difference was that there were two demons here. She cursed in her inexistent beard. She knew she could use her magic but it would be both painful and exhausting. It was then that her hand reacted to their presence and started glowing, alarming her enemies that she was there. She felt a need to release whatever energy was in there and as she did, something she found absolutely amazing happened. She had created a rift. This one however, compared to all the ones she had to close, was helping her by dealing damages to the demons. They were killed in seconds even though she barely did anything. She approached the extremely small rift and tried to close it but it didn't work. _Crap_. She was surprised to see it close by itself soon after. _Wow_ , was all she could think at the moment. Whatever this Corypheus did to the mark, it made it more powerful but apparently not more dangerous. This new ability could be valuable to the Inquisition – and to Thedas – and could become a way to keep this Elder One from achieving his goal.

She kept on going in the stony corridors until she felt a cold breeze on her cheeks and finally reached the exit. In other circumstances, she would have waited for the snowstorm to stop but she barely had anything to eat or drink and she had to catch up with the survivors. She put a foot in the deep snow and began her long walk forward, determined to live, determined to find her way.

***

It had been two days now and there was no sign of her. Even though they had nowhere to go, the enormous and all but discreet group kept on going, praying the Maker that they found someplace to live. All were mourning the death of the Herald but Cullen didn't want to believe it; it was impossible, she couldn't be-, he couldn't even say it. For a long time, he had thought that his interest in her was the result of a mere crush, a momentary affection. But he knew now how different it was. By letting her invading his thoughts for such a long time, he had slowly developed more. He had grown fond of her too many lame puns, her ridiculous drawings on the reports she sent, her genuine curiosity that made her ask a ton of questions, the cleverness of her remarks during war councils, her ability to stand up for what she believed in, the humility with which she talked to anyone she met even if they called her 'Herald' or 'My Lady'. There was so much to say that it was possible for him to go on for hours.

He was in love with her.

Because of that fact that he now admitted to himself, conceiving that she could be gone was too hard for him. He needed to believe in her survival or he would turn mad. He had gone through so many terrifying events that deeply scarred him; she had been the first thing in a very long time to warm his heart with just a single smile. It wasn't like he would confess if she was in front of him now or like he needed them to be together as a couple; knowing she was alive, and waiting for her to come back from her many travels would be enough for him to be happy.

He left the center of the camp where Leliana, Josephine and Cassandra were talking about what the Inquisition should do now that they had lost the Herald and joined the two guards at the entrance of the camp where he was free from these awful conversations. He dismissed them to have some time alone. The sun had disappeared behind the mountains and soon, it would be completely dark if it wasn't for the full moon and the many stars around it. He sat in the snow against a rock, closed his eyes and tried to rest. He had barely slept since their departure from Haven, his worried thoughts keeping him awake. And because he was constantly keeping an eye out in case _she_ would magically appear, he felt more exhausted than ever. But even now he couldn't sleep.

He brushed the back of his neck with his hand and opened back his eyes. It was cold. If she was out there trying to find him as she said she would if she survived, then she must have been freezing. He had heard Josephine talking about how she needed to add clothes to her wardrobe because of how sensitive to cold she was. He had tried to discreetly leave some things behind such as food and wood for her to have something to eat and warm herself with but Leliana had caught him this morning and she had literally grounded him for wasting resources to help someone who would die anyway, if it wasn't already the case, which probably was according to her. She would certainly watch him in the morning again to make sure that he wouldn't reiterate.

“Still waiting I see.” It was the mage from Tevinter whom Lothiriel seemed to appreciate so much. It irritated him to be disrupted by _that_ man out of all so he decided to just keep silent unless it was necessary to answer.

“I think you're right about her being alive. They all don't give Lothiriel enough credit; it would _obviously_ take more than an Archdemon, an Elder One, an avalanche and a snowstorm to bring her down. Your girl was born to survive.”

Cullen was thankful for the cold as he was already too red for the adding blush to be noticeable. _'Your girl'_ he said; even if he knew the 'your' was meant for the Inquisition ~~(sorry Cullen but no, Dorian just knows),~~ he felt embarrassed for thinking of her as being _his_ for a second. He still hated this Dorian (even more) for reminding him of all the things she had faced since sealing the Breach though. Any normal person would have died long ago, he was aware of that fact, but she was far from normal. She was the Herald of Andraste, the one chosen to save them all from the Elder One's schemes. It was too soon for the Maker to take her back, her mission here wasn't over yet. They still needed her, him maybe more than anyone.

“Not very talkative, are you? I understand. It's hard to have faith when there's no evidence of her survival.” The mage was already making his way back to camp when he turned and added:

“If you ever feel like you are wrong to believe in Lothiriel coming back, remember that a lack of evidence doesn't mean something isn't true.”

It actually felt good to listen to someone else than himself who didn't think she was gone forever, and it even gave him more strength and determination to wait for her. Perhaps he had no way of telling if she was still alive or not, but he also had no way to prove that the Maker was real and yet he ardently believed in him.

 

Almost twenty minutes had passed when muffled sounds of slow and heavy steps in the snow drew him out of his thoughts. For two days, he had been aware of all sounds around him, wishing to see her as the source of it. His heart began an ecstatic race when he recognized the figure who was desperately trying to move forward, her weak knees shaking in the deep snow. He abruptly stood and ran to her.

“Maker's breath, Lothiriel!”

She lifted her head and he was finally able to see her face. She had just noticed him when she let herself fall out of exhaustion. Luckily, he was already close enough to extend his arms and catch her. He immediately took off his coat and wrapped it around her, placing the fur so that it would protect her bare neck from the cold. The coat was so big compared to her that it looked like a blanket. He was used to seeing her with a beautiful tan but now, she was completely pale with her nose, cheeks and ears colored in deep red and purple. Her usual permanent smile was hidden behind chapped blue lips. He held her close to him, putting her forehead against his cheek as if it would transfer some of his heat while he finished necessary preparations to carry her safely. He placed an arm below her knees and the other on her back, and made his way back to camp. The two guards who had been waiting for the Commander to come back to resume their watch alerted Cassandra who herself told Leliana and Josephine. When he arrived at the tent he shared with the other leaders of the Inquisition, the entire camp had already heard the news. Because it was the smallest and the most private tent, he believed it was the best one for her to rest in during her recovery. He laid Lothiriel on his thin traveling mattress and sat beside her as an old healer began his examination. Her eyes weren't completely closed – she was clearly fighting with herself to keep from fainting – but she was to weak to speak for now.

“Her head must have hit something hard but she's lucky, it could have been worse. She has two broken ribs and a sprained ankle though. Those are the typical injuries of someone who tripped and fell from a high spot. But what has me most worried is her extremely low body temperature which is the source of her heart rate being too slow and her blood pressure too weak.”

“Is it- Will she live through it?”

“I have no way to tell. But you found her just in time for us to try our best, Commander. A few more hours, and she would have gotten in a coma while being all by herself. With no one to help, she would have died. It's already a miracle she managed to survive for this long.”

He wanted to stay in the tent but he had to bring the news to his colleagues. He repeated every word with a neutral tone, not wanting to give out that he was dying from the inside. He was relieved to have found her but the state she was in had him worry just as much as when he didn't know where she was. The risk of her dying on their hands was real. If she did, how would he announce it to her clan? He would need to go meet them in person. He prayed for the Maker to save her so he wouldn't have to do that but then wondered if his prayer would work since it concerned an elf. He prayed again, but to her Gods this time.

“I cannot believe she actually made it through the storm”, Cassandra said.

“I doubt that people won't believe she's the Herald of Andraste now.”, Josephine added. Leliana didn't say anything but gave him a sorry look. She was probably trying to apologize for telling him to stop his nonsense about leaving victuals behind. If she had followed the same route as them, it had probably helped her. He silently left the group and slipped back into the tent where she was being treated.

“Do you need anything?”  
“Commander, you should rest-”  
“No. Please. Tell me what I can do.”  
“Well, it would be nice to have more blankets if you could find some.”

And he did. He came back with his arms full of blankets from people who didn't need it – mostly soldiers – and who wanted to serve and help the Herald. If they thought she was holy before, they now saw her as a goddess who could defy and defeat death. Her story was already suffering from alterations and it was now said that she had resuscitated.

“I warmed her up with a fire spell until you came back. She's strong. As you can see there, she's already regaining her true colors. I also treated her ankle and her head. They're fine now but she will experience pain nonetheless for the next few days. As for her ribs, there is nothing I can do. These things only heal by themselves.”

“Her ankle and head are already healed? Did you use magic?” The old man hesitated to answer but when he did, he did it with pride. “Indeed, I am a mage. Is it a problem for me to take care of the Herald like so?”

“Not at all. Thank you.” — “Don't thank me, I did it for all of us. And it was merely a payback. She gave the mages a second chance and let us free even though we didn't deserve it. I couldn't let her die without giving my best.” He understood better now and felt foolish for hating on the mages for so long. Not all of them were bad just as not all of the templars were good. He had lived in a black and white world for ten years and she had taught him to see it in different shades of gray in less than three months ~~(not 50 shades of Grey, no)~~.

“I'm getting old however and I used a lot of energy on the Herald... Could you ask for someone to stay and look after her while I rest? There shouldn't be any problem but if there was, I would be right outside, by the fire.” Cullen only nodded and mumbled what sounded like a “yes” without even looking up at the man who swiftly left the tent. It wasn't that he didn't trust his men but he didn't call for anyone to watch over her either, he could do this himself.

She was now profoundly sleeping and if she was still pale, the red had left her ears thanks to the fur of his coat which she was still wearing beneath the blankets. He took off one of his gloves and risked his hand under the covers to shyly grab hers. It was so cold that his felt like it was burning from the touch. He felt a very slight pressure as if she was trying to squeeze back but because of the weakness of it, he couldn't tell for sure. Even in this state, he found her to be the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. “You did it”, he whispered.

“You found me.”

***

_Lothiriel woke up in the strangest place. She wasn't in her lodge in Haven nor her aravel with her clan. But if it was completely new to her, she did notice some resemblance with both of these places, which made it even odder. The second weirdest thing was that the bed she was sitting on was incredibly comfortable and soft, not what she was used to in general. Hers in Haven was good, but not as much as this one. She quickly checked and was relieved to find that she had clothes on, but was surprised by the fact that these clothes were pajamas. All of this was impossible... According to her last memories, she was supposed to be in the middle of the Frostback Mountains, fighting the cold, her hunger and exhaustion to get to those who had fled Haven before it was destroyed by the avalanche. This place could either be the home of someone who had rescued her after she had unknowingly fainted, or of someone who had taken advantage of her weakness and kidnapped her in some way. She could even be dead. She was about to get up to search the room for clues when she heard loud and quick steps in what sounded like stairs. The door flung opened and she gasped when she recognized who it was. The kid skillfully jumped on the bed and gave her a tight hug._

“ _Good morning Lothiriel!”_

“ _Valyhris? What are you doing here?!” Tears she couldn't keep to herself welled up in her eyes, startling the little girl who didn't seem to understand the situation at all. She was so happy to see this pouty face again, she had missed her so much... But this definitely couldn't be real. It could only be a dream, which meant she was unconscious somewhere. She wanted to focus to find a way to wake up but she wasn't given the opportunity._

“ _I just wanted to wake you up...”_  
“ _I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound so severe. For how long have you been awake all by yourself?” She received a very interrogative look._  
“ _Uncle Cullen was with me.”_  
“ _Uncle... Who?”_

_She immediately looked up when she heard a light knock on the already opened door. Her heart missed a beat when she saw him, even though she was now sure that none of this was real._

“ _I believe that's me.” He walked in the room without her inviting him in, and she quickly covered parts of her pajamas in embarrassment. She found it strange that he would act so freely around her, even if it was only in a dream. The real Commander was so much more polite and reserved toward her. He sat next to her on the side of the bed that wasn't occupied by Valyhris and set a tray on the nightstand before leaning in and kissing her forehead. She gesture paralyzed her and that fact didn't seem to go unnoticed._

“ _Are you well?” She simply nodded and looked at the tray to try to regain control over her emotions. 'It's just a dream, nothing else' she thought. There were two slices of bread with butter spread on it and a mug filled with a drink she knew too well._

“ _Tea and elfroot.”  
“With a small spoon of honey, as always.”_

_She was first tempted to ask how he knew what she liked to drink but then remembered that he was the fruit of her imagination. Valyhris moved to get under the covers and snuggled up against Lothiriel who put an arm around her. She accepted the toast that Cullen was handing her and munched on it. It was only when she swallowed that she felt how hungry she was. She finished it all in seconds, not taking into account that dreamed food would not feed her for real. Cullen seemed amused but decided to give her some time alone, leaving the cup of tea but taking away the rest._

“ _Come on Valyhris, let your aunt get dressed.” The kid tried to bargain but failed. “Lothiriel, we'll be waiting downstairs.” She smiled at him, and the door finally closed to give her some personal space again. She took the mug in her hands and as she blew on it, looked around to find a way to wake up. She liked this dream – she had never felt so good before – but the responsible and reasonable thing to do was to find the Inquisition. Corypheus didn't exist here but it would be selfish of her to stay. And waking up was the only solution if she wanted to live: she had no idea where her body was right now, but it was probably in deep snow. She would die of hypothermia if she didn't keep moving. There wasn't anything useful in the room except for clothes that weren't pajamas for her to change in. In one of the drawers, she found other pieces of clothing that belonged to a man, probably the Commander. It was scary how this dream was incredibly detailed._

_She rushed down the stairs but stopped in her tracks when she saw Valyhris sitting on a wooden table while Cullen was putting her shoes on. They were both focusing on what they were doing and for a second, they looked like father and daughter. It was clear now that in her dream, the three of them were a family living in a beautiful chalet, and not in an aravel with a clan or a lodge with an army nearby. She was afraid to ask herself if this was a projection of what she wished to see and live in the future, mostly because deep down, she already knew the answer. This life would make her the happiest in Thedas: living a peaceful life, away from her responsibilities as First or Herald and the horrors of the war, with her dear Valyhris and... Cullen. He was part of this life she dreamed of. She knew now that he was more than just a man she was attracted to among others, he was the only one she wanted by her side._

“ _Lothiriel! There is snow outside! Are you going to play with us?”  
“Do you really need to ask?” _

_The little girl laughed and as soon as her feet touched the floor, ran to the door to open it. Being five years old, she was tall enough to reach the knob. Cullen and Lothiriel followed behind her and watched her jump and roll in the snow. He put a hand on her shoulder and pulled her close to him as if it was a normal thing to do, which made her shy and excited at the same time. She had seen him smile before – the kind of extremely attractive smiles – but this one was particular. He seemed genuinely happy. It was a dream, she knew that, but it was still his face which meant he was capable of smiling with his eyes also; those eyes which always expressed pain and torment._

“ _You need to go.”_  
_“What?”_  
_“You cannot stay here, you promised her that you would come back after your travel.”_  
_“Are you talking about Valyhris?” He ignored her._  
_“You also promised that you would find me if you ever survived the avalanche.”_  
_“I know that, but I have no idea on how to wake up. Do you have any clue?”_  
_“You already did.”_  
_“I already did what?”_  
_“You found me.”_

_Just as he said those words, she had the shortest vision of him by her side while she apparently was laying somewhere. It had been too short for her to see more but now, her dream wasn't as realistic as it was seconds before. Valyhris and Cullen still looked like they were real but the landscape war nothing but a blur, like a wet drawing. The more he talked, the less vivid the dream was. That was it, that was her way out of here. The vision probably was from reality, a vague memory of her last conscious moments._

“ _What would you have me tell them? This isn't what we asked them to do.” This didn't only came from the Cullen that was beside her. This one had softly talked and there was another voice, still Cullen's, but stronger, harsher. She then heard Cassandra even if she was nowhere to be seen._

“ _We cannot simply ignore this! We must find a way!” It sounded like an argument. The Valyhris and the Cullen from her dream were now fading just as the voices intensified. She wished she would have said goodbye to her niece but there wasn't any time. She closed her eyes and focused on the voices to find her way back to reality.  
“And who put you in charge?”_

When she opened them back, the scenery was entirely different. She was inside a dark tent and when she tried to move, she was stopped by at least a dozen blankets. “We need a consensus, or we have nothing!” She could hear that the Commander was trying to tone it down but with great difficulty. She let out a groan when she forced herself out of her cocoon. She noticed Mother Giselle by her side only when she helped her get rid of most of the covers. Her caring look was comforting and allowed the young elf to believe her ears: she was safe, the Inquisition found her before it was too late. It was now Josephine's voice that resonated.

“Please, we must use reason! Without the infrastructure of the Inquisition, we're hobbled!”  
“That can't come from nowhere!” As usual, it appeared that the Commander was alone against the others. Even Leliana participated in the argument. That was not the best way to wake up and it made her grumpy to see that they were fighting _now_ , at a time when they all needed to be united.  
“Enough! This is getting us nowhere!” Cassandra's voice got even louder and it felt like someone was hitting her on the head with a hammer.  
“Well, we're agreed on that much.”

She wanted to move and go smooth things down (by making a grand appearance and telling them to shut up) but was stopped by Mother Giselle who told her that she needed to rest. Seeing how her head and rib cage hurt, she believed that but it wasn't the problem here.

“We shouldn't fight amongst ourselves.”  
“They have that luxury, thanks to you. The enemy could not follow and with time to doubt, we turn to blame. Infighting may threaten as much as this Elder One.”  
“The only thing that yelling gets us is a headache.”  
”They know. But our situation – your situation – is complicated. Our leaders struggle because of what we survivors witnessed. We saw our defender stand... And fall. And now, we have seen her _return_. The more the enemy is beyond us, the more miraculous your actions appear, and the more our trials seem ordained. That is hard to accept, no? What “we” have been called to endure? What “we”, perhaps, must come to believe?”

Lothiriel was now sitting next to the cleric, cross-legged.  
“Is this what people believe? I didn't die, I escaped the avalanche. Barely, but still.”  
“Of course, and the dead cannot return from across the Veil. But the people know what they saw. Or perhaps what they needed to see. The maker works both in the moment, and in how it is remembered. Can we truly know the Heavens are not with us?”

“Mother Giselle, I do not see how that matters. I tried to believe, I wanted to, but look where we are now. It wasn't enough to save Haven, and the Elder One is a real physical threat. This is not something you fight with hope and faith alone.”

She ignored the sharp pain she felt from getting up and slowly left the tent. It was night and there was a big campfire with a few people warming up around it. It wasn't windy but the cold hit her just as Cassandra's voice a few minutes earlier. She grabbed the fur on her collar and noticed by the touch that it was different from the one she was used to. When she looked at her apparel, she saw that she was wearing the Commander's coat. Slightly blushing, she wished she knew the details on how she got it. She took advantage of the situation to evaluate the fur as she had wanted to do so since the first day she had laid her eyes on it. It was softer than the one on her own coat and she kind of felt jealous. She now understood why he never took it off even though it only kept his neck warm and nothing else. Plus, it felt like she was a lion and it was cool.   
The feeling she got from wearing this coat was like a little flame in an ocean of darkness.

She looked up to see that Leliana and Josephine were sitting together near the fire, Cassandra was absent-mindedly gazing at a map and the Commander was walking in circles not far. They all appeared to be exhausted and defeated, and she was ashamed to feel the same. She wished she was more optimistic, this way she could talk to them but she didn't have anything good to say. People who were there started to notice her and wary smiles spread across their faces. But she didn't feel like smiling back.

“Shadows fall...” The beautiful voice came from behind her. Mother Giselle was now singing a song she didn't know. It surely was a religious song. Leliana was first in joining the cleric, followed by soldiers as well as ordinary people. Soon enough, the entire camp was singing in chorus. She felt weird when some of them bowed to her, but she listened to every word anyway. It was beautiful, and it gave her little hope again. It wasn't the song specifically but more the fact that hundreds of people were now more united than ever under one banner, the Inquisition's, and she was part of it.

“An army needs more than an enemy. It needs a cause.”

***

Lothiriel thanked the old healer after he finished his examination. She was allowed to walk around the camp as long as it wasn't for too long, and she had to refrain from running, jumping or climbing because of here sore ankle and her two broken ribs. With her head furiously pounding, she didn't want to do these things anyway and she still needed to rest, even if she was told that they had found her the day before and that she had been sleeping ever since. She was famished but more important things needed her attention first so after requiring that the leaders of the Inquisition and her companions regroup, she talked about what she had witnessed; she told them about his real name, where he came from, what he had told her about his ambitions, the strange orb he was in possession of. Every detail she remembered, she mentioned. It was too late to discuss it further, it was therefore decided that they would all think about their next move during the night, and that they would resume this meeting early in the morning. She wanted to stay with the Commander who was awkwardly smiling at her to give him back his coat – he must have been freezing without it for so long – but she was interrupted by Solas.

“A word?” He didn't stop walking as he spoke so she simply followed him to wherever he wanted them to discuss. They were now far enough from the camp to be alone and have a private conversation. She didn't know what they would talk about but she hoped they were free from Leliana's spies.

“The humans have not raised one of our people so high for ages beyond counting. Her faith is hard-won, Lethallan, worthy of pride... save one detail. The threat Corypheus wields? The orb he carried? It is ours.”  
“What? Are you telling me that this dangerous object is an elven artifact?”  
“Yes. Corypheus used the orb to open the Breach. Unlocking it must have caused the explosion that destroyed the Conclave... We must find out how he survived, and we must prepare for their reaction, when they learn the orb is of our people.”

It was astonishing how much knowledge he had about this orb even though her description of it wasn't as precise as she wished. She asked him how he knew about something so mysterious and what it was. The orb was a “foci” that was used to channel power from the Gods. He didn't tell her more about it but did explain that he had learned about their existence through rare references in ruins and faint visions of memory in the Fade.

“However Corypheus came to it, the Orb is elven and with it, he threatens the heart of human faith.”  
“Him threatening any faith won't matter if we stay here.” She showed him the immensity of the mountains with her hand to emphasize the fact that they were lost in the middle of nowhere.

“Indeed. Their trust in you cannot grow in the wilderness. You will need every advantage. By attacking the Inquisition, Corypheus has changed it; changed _you_. Scout to the north. There is a place that waits for a force to hold it, where the Inquisition can build and grow. Lead them there, and be their Guide.”


	13. Venal tarasyl'an

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Braving the cold to find a new place to live, the Inquisition begins its real journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a little bit late but merry Christmas :D  
> I didn't have time to proofread yet (I won't be home until friday) but I thought you deserved to have chapter 13 so here it is! I hope it's not too bad... I promise I'll proofread it once I'm back!

As soon as she came back, Lothiriel was handed a bowl of hot gruel and a steaming mug that strongly smelt like elfroot. She thanked Lara – she was glad to see the servant alive and well – and sat next to the Commander on a very thin mattress on which he must have spent the night while she was recovering on his, she figured. She wasn't aware of the fact that he had barely closed an eye for he had been watching over her until morning when Mother Giselle had replaced him (or should we say forced him to leave the tent and rest somewhere else). They stayed silent while she ate and drank to fill her completely empty stomach. The food was burning her tongue and her esophagus but she was too thirsty and famished to care. Once finished, she put the bowl down in the snow and it was almost immediately picked up by Lara.

“I saw that Chancellor Roderick didn't make it.”  
“He stayed alive long enough to show us a way out of Haven. I suppose he redeemed himself in the end.”  
She sadly smiled and looked at Cole who was taking care of the cleric's inanimate body. A few days before, who would have thought that this man would have been the key to their survival? Without him, the Inquisition wouldn't be more than a mere memory at the moment. After all he had said, he still helped them when needed. She used to think that he was neither a good nor a bad man – just insufferable – but now, she was tempted to say that he was a good one at heart, a man who had simply lost himself in extreme beliefs before finding a path to redemption at last.

A fresh breeze reminded her of why she had come to eat here out of all places around the camp and she took off the dark red and furry coat to hand it back to its owner.  
“Thank you for lending this to me. I believe it has been very useful.”  
“Keep it then, you still need it more than I do.”  
“No, I do not. It's yours, and it's cold out here. Please take it back.” She forced it into his arms and took a sip of the bitter infusion.  
“Oh, I almost forgot! There is something else. I'm sorry, it got broken during-”

She couldn't feel it. She looked down at her belt and it wasn't where she had cautiously left it. There was absolutely nothing attached to the belt anymore. She checked around them but it was nowhere to be seen. Cullen asked her what she was looking for but she didn't answer and got up to look around and search for it.

“Do you know where I was found?” He clearly didn't understand a thing but he still led her to where she asked. “Here. That's exactly where I found you.”

“ _You_ found me?” That would explain why she had been in possession of his coat. He brushed the back of his neck as he so often did and said something inaudible that looked like an affirmative answer. She didn't ask for more as it seemed to fluster him to talk about it but it did please her to learn that he, of all people, had been her savior. She crouched and plunged her hands in the snow, messing the beautiful scenery up by turning it all upside down until she fell on something shiny. The Commander, who still had no clue on what she was doing exactly, approached when he saw her doubling her efforts.

“There it is!” She raised the knife in the air with a broad smile and showed it to him as if she had made an incredible discovery. It didn't look at all like it used to as half of the thick blade was missing. She got up and looked down while handing it back.

“The dragon broke it... I'm sorry, I should have been more careful.” He would have told her to keep the poniard if it wasn't for the useless blade. He took it and put it back where he once always kept it. He knew what she had been through but it still angered him to know that she had felt the need to take this out during her encounter with this Corypheus.

“It's fine. I would rather see a broken knife than a broken arm.” She shyly smiled at him and they both stayed silent again. It felt weird, as if they both had something to say but were too afraid to speak out. She sighed and decided to be honest. During her (weird) dream, she had come to realize her feelings for the Commander and if she didn't want to confess anytime soon, she did feel the need to get closer to him. She knew what kind of life would make her happy now and she had to try her best to achieve this goal, even if it meant going against every rule she knew. Having regrets a few years after all of this wasn't an option for her.

“Our escape from Haven... It was close. I'm relieved that- That _you_ made it out.” She had almost corrected the 'you' part by 'so many' but she stood her ground and did nothing to it. Her heart was pounding so hard that it hurt her already aching ribs even more.

“As am I”, he immediately answered in a very soft tone. They exchanged relieved looks for what felt like ages while she waited for him to speak as it sounded like he wasn't done. But it never came. Disappointed and feeling crushed by the awkwardness of the situation, she looked away and undertook to make her way back to camp. She couldn't tell if his silence was caused by his shyness or his lack of any sort of affection. She was sure that he was not indifferent to her but to what extent? Her back was now facing him and she had already started to walk when he strongly grabbed her wrist and forced her to turn around.

“You stayed behind...” The pain she saw in his golden eyes almost had her stop breathing. This look was telling her a lot more than any word in any language could ever do but her emotions prevented her from reading through it.

“You could have-” She looked down because she thought she knew where the conversation was going and a lecture was the last thing she wanted from him but he stopped in his tracks, never finishing his sentence and sighing instead.

“I will not allow the events at Haven to happen again.  
_You have my word_.”

***

The soft light brought by the first sunbeams of the day gently woke her up before Leliana, Josephine and Cassandra with whom she shared a tent. Upon returning to camp after their little conversation the night before, the Commander had insisted that she kept sleeping there, assuring her that he was fine staying with his men by the campfire and that it would be inappropriate anyway since he would be the only male in the tent. Lothiriel tried to get up as silently as she could but still woke Leliana up who swiftly followed her out. It wouldn't take long for the others to wake up to the sound of the growing agitation around the camp.

This time, the improvised war council was held without her companions: only the leaders of the Inquisition and herself were there to discuss their next move somewhere hidden from any indiscreet ears. Apparently, none had come up with a good plan during the night; none except her thanks to Solas. She repeated everything she had been told about the orb but didn't mention the place the elf had suggested her to lead them to as he had specifically asked her to stay silent about it. According to him, to strengthen the faith and trust they all had in the Herald, it was best if the people believed it was her and only her who found the place while being guided by Andraste herself.

“We have gathered valuable information in a very short time, we cannot let it go to waste and for that, we must break camp today. Let us head north and walk as long as it takes to find another Haven for us to settle in.”

Strangely enough, they all quickly agreed and a few hours later, everything was packed and ready for them to begin their journey. She wanted to help a pregnant woman by carrying her stuff for her but she was stopped by the old healer who reminded her that walking already was a great effort considering her injuries. She reluctantly let it go and asked a soldier to do it in her stead. After exchanging a few words with her and making sure that she would be fine during their travel, she joined her friends and spent some time with them for the first time since waking up from her long recovery sleep. It felt good to talk about something that wasn't related to Corypheus or the Inquisition in general. They joked and laughed for hours, entertaining everyone around them and bringing smiles on sad and tired faces without even trying.

Days passed and it had become a habit for Lothiriel to tell stories to the children every evening. She didn't know many tales that weren't dalish but she did her best to avoid mentioning anything that would mark the difference between humans and elves. Doing so made her feel close to her niece in a way, and it seemed to be very useful to calm them all down before they went to bed. Between her friends, the children who grew more and more attached to her and her responsibilities as Herald of Andraste, there wasn't any time left for her to enjoy the company of the Commander who was just as busy as she was.

As usual, Lothiriel was up front, guiding them with the help of her compass and being careful to always go north and never deviate. The evening before, Solas had discreetly told her that the place they were looking for should be very close and that it was possible for them to find it before the end of the next day. Since then, she had showed even more determination and had walked twice as fast as before. Because not all could keep up with her speed, she always had to keep an eye on what was happening behind her and often ended up waiting. However, her renewed motivation had been passed on to the leaders of the Inquisition as well as her friends who did everything they could to motivate the people.

It was around noon when, after climbing a few rocks, she saw it before her, standing in the middle of nowhere and protected by many mountains around. The fortress was not only massive but also magnificent with its tall towers, its remarkable battlements and the impressive bridge that closed the gigantic gap between a mountain peak and the other on which the building was built. She noticed some collapsed walls that were a sign that the fortress was very probably unoccupied: there was no doubt that this was the place Solas had told her about. She studied the surroundings to find a way to easily reach the entrance and once she did, turned around with a broad smile she couldn't repress and waved at the four leaders to urge them to join her. She didn't wait for them though, and started running toward the bridge, ignoring the healer's instructions.

Now that she was right in front of it, it seemed even more immense. She had seen villages smaller than this fortress which appeared to be huge enough to rival any small city. The thick walls were nothing like the useless wooden ramparts in Haven and fortunately, the portcullis was already up for them to enter the place. She carefully visited the entrance where weed had spread everywhere, even growing up through cracks in the walls. On the right, a pile of fallen rocks blocked the way to another part of the fortress so she just moved on and climbed up the stairs that led to a square that was in the same state than the rest. She didn't linger though, her attention being caught by the majestic main tower that dominated the area. She made her way up there but quickly gave up on getting in, the doors being too heavy for her to open them by herself. Slightly disappointed but still excited, she entered another building not far that was still in good shape. The whole room was a complete mess as almost everything inside was destroyed but she could tell it once was a tavern. She enlightened the room with a small fire in her hand and she was surprised to see a painting hanging on one of the walls. She brushed the dust off of it with her gloves – she understood how stupid it had been of her to do so only when she started coughing violently – and recognized the fortress. She looked at the signature and as expected, she had no idea on who the artist was. On the painted sky however, she saw that something was written in a very delicate and discreet white that could barely be seen in the dark, even with her fire to bring light on it. She skillfully took the painting down and went outside to read what was written. The handwriting was absolutely beautiful and complimented the artwork perfectly by blending in with the painted clouds in a very creative way. It probably was the name of the fortress. When she finally looked up again, Leliana, Cassandra, Josephine and Cullen were walking toward her, their eyes shining and their teeth showing in big smiles. When they got close enough, she turned the painting to show it to them.

“ _Skyhold_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to place the discussion that occurs between Cullen and the Inquisitor once they arrive in Skyhold now because I thought it would be a little bit more private than in the middle of a courtyard with lots of people passing by. And I find it hard to believe that they wouldn't share a single word during their travel to Skyhold... It felt more natural to me to have them share this moment right after they realized how they felt :)  
> Also, in this fic, Skyhold is ENORMOUS (maybe not as big as Minas Tirith in The Lord of the Rings but definitely bigger than the in-game Skyhold). I want it to be more than just a fortress, kinda like a small town, big enough to offer a roof to anyone who joins the Inquisition :)


	14. The rise of the Inquisitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Inquisition found a leader at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is extremely short but I really wanted to post it today so that I could tell you how sorry I am for the long time since the last update. Exams clearly got the best of me, keeping me away from AO3! haha  
> Also, 16 days later: I wish you all a happy new year!!

Lothiriel managed to avoid the old healer the entire day by helping people around and finding rooms that weren't dangerous for them to settle in, but he finally caught up and forced her in the improvised infirmary for a check up following her “idiotic behavior” that consisted of “running and jumping around like a crazy hyperactive monkey”. Because it didn't matter how many times she told him how almost perfectly fine she felt (and was), she eventually gave up on arguing with him. As expected, nothing had changed since the last examination and she was set free but only after he reminded her to be careful with her broken ribs. 

When she came out, she saw the four leaders of the Inquisition having a conversation not far from her and for once, they all seemed to agree on whatever they were talking about (a rare sight, truly). Cassandra was the first one noticing her presence and waved to have her join them, but they all left in different directions as soon as she got there, leaving her alone with the seeker.  
“It will soon be known by all that the Inquisition has found a place to settle, including the Elder One”, she started. The elf followed the warrior to wherever she was going. “We have the walls and numbers to put up a fight here, but this threat is far beyond the war we anticipated... However, we now know what allowed you to stand against Corypheus, what drew him to you.”  
“The mark. He came for it that day but since it's useless now, I believe he just wants me dead.”  
“The Anchor has power, that's for sure, but it is not why you're still standing here.”

Lothiriel gave the seeker an interrogative look, not understanding what she meant by this assertion. If it wasn't for this mark, she would have died that day at the conclave and the Elder One wouldn't care about her one bit. She couldn't see any other reason that could explain why she was still there.  
“Your decisions let us heal the sky. Your determination brought us out of Haven. You are that creature's rival because of what you did and we know it, all of us.”  
Objectively, Lothiriel knew that these statements were indubitably true but she still felt like Cassandra was overestimating her. Could taking major decisions on behalf of the Inquisition the sole reason to her becoming Corypheus's rival? They climbed up the stairs that led to the main tower but stopped before getting at the top. Leliana was facing them with a sword in her hands. The weapon was beautifully ornamented with a golden dragon wrapping around the guard which was made in the same pinkish metal (maybe dawnstone?) of the pommel.  
“The Inquisition requires a leader: the one who has already been leading it. You.”  
Shocked, she looked down and saw a huge crowd in the courtyard. People were looking at her with hope and waiting for her to do something; anything. All day she had received thanks from many grateful people but this was beyond her imagination. Not a single time she had thought that they would choose her of all people to become the leader of the Inquisition. She had always believed that Cassandra or Leliana were more suited for the job.

“Perhaps I didn't hear you correctly. A dalish mage at the head of the Inquisition?”  
“Not a dalish mage. You.”  
“Cassandra, I happen to be a dalish mage.” She couldn't emphasize the word "be" more than that.  
“I will not pretend no one will object but times are changing. Perhaps this is what the Maker intended... There would be no Inquisition without you. How it will serve, how you lead: that must be yours to decide.”

The pressure she was currently feeling was new to her. These last few months, she had discovered a whole new set of emotions but this kind of stress was above all of them. But even with that, her determination didn't flicker. She had already given too much to the Inquisition to stop now and even if accepting this position meant that she wouldn't go back to her clan before a very long time, she knew it was her responsibility as Herald to become this leader they had been looking for for so long. All these people believed in her, now more than ever, and her believing in her own Gods and not the Maker didn't change the fact that the most important thing to do was to give people hope. And now was one of the moments when she could do that. She reached for the sword and raised it as best she could, the weapon being way to heavy for her to hold it correctly. 

“We will do what is right. The Inquisition is for all, no matter who we are, where we come from or what we believe in. We have an enemy and we have to stand together. I am a dalish mage standing for Thedas and I swear that I will fight until we defeat Corypheus and win this war.”

Cassandra moved to face the crowd and asked Josephine who was down there with the Commander if the people had been told of the news.

“They have. And soon, the world!”  
“Commander, will they follow?” 

“Inquisition! Will you follow?” Cheers suddenly rose from the crowd. “Will you fight?” They all cheered again, only louder. “Will we triumph?” This time, none stopped from cheering and celebrating. The Commander drew his sword out and pointed it in the air toward her as he finished his small speech. 

“Your leader! Your Herald! Your Inquisitor!”

The sword she was holding was far too heavy for her to do the same so she simply planted it in the stone and held it by the leathery grip so that it wouldn't fall in the courtyard on people's heads. She felt proud to be the reason why they were all united now and couldn't hide her smile as she looked at all of them cheering for the Inquisition. Her eyes met those of the Commander who appeared to be just as proud as she was, and her shyness disappeared completely to leave her only with confidence and determination. The Inquisition had never been so organized and united before; they were ready to prepare for the Elder One.


	15. Drafting a strategy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you're all fine <3  
> Just a few words to tell you that from now on, chapters will be shorter than they used to be! It's kind of difficult for me now to find time to write but I don't want to keep you waiting so I decided that I would post smaller chapters every time I can instead of adding one big chapter every one or two months. By “shorter”, I don't mean that there will be less content of course! The only thing changing is that there will be more chapters than I initially intended haha  
> Thank you all for reading and I hope you still enjoy!

Lothiriel opened the big and heavy wooden doors of the main tower with Leliana and Commander Cullen's help, and finally entered the place she had most longed to see since their arrival in Skyhold. They entered a huge hall that looked like it used to be a throne room. It was a mess, just as anywhere else, but nothing they couldn't fix by themselves (by this, she meant Cullen's talented men... Her trying to fix the fortress would only lead to a disaster or worse, a cataclysm and that wasn't needed).

The room was very poorly lit; it would actually be completely dark if it wasn't for the three stained glasses in front of them at the end of the room. She wondered if they depicted any historical event or legend linked to the place but she doubted it. For what she could see, they seemed to have a decorative purpose only. Giving the general state of the fortress, she was glad to find these entirely untouched and well preserved.

“So this is where it begins.” The Commander's voice echoed in the large empty room. He was right but was quickly corrected by Leliana who was righter. “It began in the courtyard. This is where we turn that promise into action”.  
“But what do we do?”, Josephine asked, half worried and half excited. “We know nothing about this Corypheus except that he wanted your mark.” For the first time since coming in, Lothiriel stopped looking at her surroundings to focus on her hand instead only to notice that it was glowing despite the absence of any rift nearby.

“Corypheus wants to restore Tevinter. Is this a prelude to war with the Imperium?” She knew none of them had answers but she wanted to know their thoughts on this matter. Unfortunately, becoming the Inquisitor didn't come with a “perfect-knowledge-on-every-subject” sort of gift, she would always need them and their different points of view to keep making the right (or at least best) choices. The Commander was the first one to speak.

“I get the feeling we're dealing with extremists, not the vanguard of a true invasion.” As always, hearing his voice made her heart beat a little faster but she was mature enough to stay professional and quickly move on to Josephine who was now talking. “Tevinter is not the Imperium of a thousand years ago. What Corypheus yearns to “restore” no longer exists. Though, they would shed no tears if the south fell to chaos, I'm certain”. She nodded, quite relieved to learn that the Imperium was probably not behind all of this.

“Corypheus said he wanted to enter the Black City, that this would make him a God.” She didn't have time to add any question as Leliana was already answering them all. “He is willing to tear this world apart to reach the next. It won't matter if he's wrong.”  
“What if he's _not_ wrong?”, the Commander asked. “If he finds some other way into the Fade...”  
“Then he gains the power he seeks or unleashes catastrophe on us all.”

“It's already quite the catastrophe, just take a look at his dragon... Could it really be an Archdemon?” It was hard to believe that something could be worse than that.

“It would mean the beginning of another Blight.” She could always count on Leliana to go straight to the point. _Another Blight..._ What a terrifying thought. Josephine seemed to be just as scared by it as she was. “We've seen no darkspawn other than Corypheus himself. Perhaps it's not an Archdemon at all, but something different?” Not knowing what this thing could be was even more frightening.

“Whatever it is, it's dangerous.” There was no denying the Commander here. “Commanding such a creature gives Corypheus an advantage we can't ignore.”

“Someone out there must know _something_ about Corypheus.” — “Unless they saw him on the field, most will not believe he even exists.” She couldn't tell if his sorry look warmed or broke her heart. Would the Inquisition be stuck in Skyhold with no plan at all? This wasn't an option for her, they had to find something, _anything_ , about the Elder One or the Venatori and go on with their mission.

“We do have one advantage”, Leliana started, “we know what Corypheus intends to do _next_. In that strange future you experienced, Empress Celene had been assassinated.”

Lothiriel automatically took a glimpse at the Commander at the mention of the hypothetical future she hated, as if to reassure herself that it was indeed only hypothetical, that he was there with her, safe and sound and far from dead. Josephine's worried and yet soft voice snapped her out of her thoughts.

“Imagine the chaos her death would cause. With his army...” — “An army he'll bolster with a massive force of demons, or so the future tells us.” Her sentence was ended by the Commander.

Leliana sighed heavily, more than ever before. “Corypheus could conquer the entire south of Thedas, God or no God. I'd feel better if we knew more about what we were dealing with.” Lothiriel couldn't agree more: not having any clue on anything made her feel powerless and she hated it.

“I know someone who can help with that.” This voice was so distinctive that she didn't even have to look up to know to whom it belonged. “Everyone acting all inspirational jogged my memory so I- I sent a message to an old friend. He's crossed path with Corypheus before and may know more about what he's doing. He can help.” _Wait_.

Did Varric just come up with a lead? Something they were desperately trying to come up with since the beginning of this discussion? It was too good to be true. “You know I'm always looking for new allies. Could you introduce me?” She found odd how the dwarf suddenly started checking everywhere around him.

“No one's here but us, you can speak freely.” — “Well... Parading around might cause a fuss. It's better for you to meet... privately. On the battlements. Trust me... It's complicated.” Varric left the room as quickly as he arrived, leaving her with way too many unanswered questions. Leliana walked to be by her side.

“If Varric has brought who I think he has, Cassandra is going to kill him.” Lothiriel tried to get more information about this mysterious person Leliana had in mind but she obtained nothing from her. She would have to be patient about it.

All left the room except for Lothiriel and the spymaster who had stopped her on their way out as she so often did. “I received a report from the men I sent to help your clan before we left Haven. Your clan is safe, for now at least. We were right about the bandits: it's only a cover used by mercenaries working for the Duke Antoine of Wycome who appears to be one of our allies according to Josephine.”

“What? The Duke himself? I don't understand, he was always nice to my clan...” — “Wycome apparently suffers from some sort of plague affecting only humans. The Duke tried to keep the news of the disease quiet but other nobles grew louder in their anger and started blaming the elves in the alienage. Your clan is used by the Duke as a scapegoat in order for him to convince the nobles that he's taking action.”

 _That son of a-_ Full of anger, Lothiriel kicked a large wooden beam on the ground but only ended up hurting her foot, making her swear more and louder.

“I could attempt to send assassins to end him if you want.” There was a long silent during which she pondered all her options. She was stuck in Skyhold for now so the only reasonable solutions were to either send assassins or diplomats. She wanted to see the Duke, this _traitor_ , dead but she knew it wasn't the best idea: there was a possibility that it wouldn't help her clan survive the other nobles' anger at all.

“No, it's too risky. Since he's one of our allies, is it possible to send some of Josephine's ambassadors to investigate instead?” — “I believe it is. I will speak with her now. We'll make sure that they leave tomorrow at dawn and that the Duke is informed of their imminent arrival in Wycome. I will keep you informed.”

“Thank you Leliana. We need to know more about what's happening in Wycome before we make a decision. Until then, your men should stay with my clan. I'll write to my Keeper to explain.” She sighed and sat on the wooden beam she had tried to hit a few minutes before while the spymaster was getting out, leaving her alone in the big hall. She could hear mouses and rats running around in the debris but her mind was too far away for her to care. Her clan was safe, but for how long?

 


	16. Good morning, Inquisitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Lothiriel finally have some time alone (but they of course waste it by keeping it mostly professional)

It was still dark when Lothiriel woke up. The adrenaline generated by her body because of her excitement prevented her from sleeping well, keeping her awake most of the night. Hopefully, it would probably keep her energized all day, countering the effects of the evident lack of sleep. She enjoyed the short time she had left before the first sunbeams by not getting up right away, wrapping the warm blanket around herself.

She couldn't resist the temptation of bringing it to her nose while hanging on to the mattress. These were hers since the day she had been found in the mountains but how could she ever forget that they used to belong to the Commander? There was no trace of him whatsoever, not even a faint scent, but the simple thought that he had once slept in it was enough for her to nourish her imagination.

It had been a while since the last time they had a conversation together – she meant a private one – but she couldn't think of any smart way to steal a few minutes from him, especially now that they were settling in Skyhold. They had arrived the day before and he was already crawling under work, giving his best to organize the Inquisition's army adequately and effectively so that the fortress would not only be protected but also rebuilt. She knew how selfish it was of her to even think of snatching him from his duties but in the end, she didn't really care: her feelings made her quite unreasonable.

As soon as the sunlight began to light the small room she had been given for the night, she got up and did her best with her looks to be presentable for the day. Her second day as Inquisitor was about to start; her chest tightened to the idea. She felt honored of course, but also anxious: all were very supportive and she was confident in herself, but she couldn't shake off this tiny thought which had been creeping on her: it wasn't impossible that she could fail in her new role.

 

The day before, after her talk with those who were now her advisors, she had taken some time to officially greet Ser Barris, the man who had led the templars who disagreed with the Order's decision to join Corypheus to the Inquisition. She would still feel a little uncomfortable around templars sometimes – especially those who showed an aggressive demeanor when in presence of mages – but she was very surprised to notice how accustomed to them she had grown to be.

It had been a long and difficult process during which she had had to take it upon herself to not be nor look hostile, and she was proud to say that this work on herself had been a success. She no longer resented the entire order for the massacre of those she loved, focusing her hatred on those who truly were guilty and those who had chosen to become Red Templars.

She had then spent the evening with her friends, celebrating her most recent promotion to the post of Inquisitor, not giving her time to process all that had happened until she had gone to bed. But today, she found herself wondering what being the Inquisitor meant, in a practical way. What was an Inquisitor supposed to do during his day? She wanted to do her best, but she didn't even know where to start.

Apart from the soldiers on duty, there wasn't a single soul around. She undertook to take a stroll in the different courtyards, hoping that it would give her an idea on what she could do. Her heart missed a beat when she noticed the Commander already up and giving out orders to barely awaken soldiers.

“Send men to scout the area, we need to know what's out there”. His authoritative tone gave her shivers, as it always did, and she approached slowly while the soldier moved to let another one take his place and wait for another order. “I will need an update on the places that could be used for the armory.” The man didn't seem to move right away, forcing the Commander to add that he needed this report now.

Lothiriel dared to join him only once he was alone at his very improvised desk. “Good morning, Commander”, she simply greeted. Not surprised for the least, he returned her greetings with a fatigued smile. _He must have slept just as little as I did_.

“We set up as best we could at Haven, but could never prepare for an Archdemon – or whatever it was. With some warning, we might have...” His forceful tone was now gone, giving in to a deep but somehow weak voice.

“Did you even sleep?” He ignored her question, silently admitting to not closing an eye at all by explaining why he had to keep on working.

“If Corypheus strikes again, we may not be able to withdraw... And I wouldn't want to. We must be ready.” She was no warrior but she could tell that it had been difficult for the man who was in front of her to let it go in Haven and admit defeat by fleeing through the mountains. She wanted to tell him that his decision to retreat that day had been the bravest, that it had saved many lives, but she didn't know how.

“Anyways, work on Skyhold is underway, guard rotations established. We should have everything on course within the week. We will not run from here, Inquisitor”. It felt _extremely_ weird to be called by her new title, but the passion he spoke with made her forget about it completely in a matter of seconds. She hated herself for being so shallow and weak in front of him, finding all of his movements adorable and sexy at the same time.

The silence was becoming awkward so she asked the first question that came to her mind to brush it off. “How many were lost in Haven?” The chancellor couldn't have been their only loss. “Most of our people made it to Skyhold. It could have been worse... Morale was low, but has improved greatly since you accepted the role of Inquisitor.” That again. _Inquisitor_. She should get used to it.

“Inquisitor Lavellan... It sounds odd, don't you think?” His answer was immediate and natural, telling her it wasn't at all, but she was still skeptical.

“Is that the official response?”, she asked with a faint smile, half joking half serious. His laugh had her swoon and forget about everything again, making her almost curse out loud.

“I suppose it is. But it's the truth. We needed a leader, you have proven yourself.” Because she felt like she wouldn't be able to hide the blush rising in her cheeks, she gazed at her feet for a moment.

“Thank you, Cullen.” She hadn't thought of her words before talking, letting his first name slip instead of his title that she usually used. Last time this happened, they were in Haven fighting off the Elder One's army. When she looked up, he was smiling at her in one of the most spectacular ways: it was a perfect mix between the gentlest of smiles and the sexiest of smirks. Lost in his golden eyes which were shining even more thanks to the soft light of the rising sun, she stayed there, unable to move, her mouth slightly opened because of her jaw dropping.

“Well, I'm sure you have other matters to attend.” The sudden break of her reverie forced her to come back to reality. “Do I?” He looked at her with an interrogative look, obviously not understanding what she meant.

“Do I have other matters to attend?” — “Of course you do, you're the Inquisitor.” There was nothing she could say to cleverly answer that. She knew she was, but that wasn't the issue. She sighed loudly and turned on her heels to leave the courtyard, not wanting to burden him with her ridiculous doubts.

 _What's wrong with you, you were happy literally thirty seconds ago... Stop being so moody, Lothiriel_.

She had barely taken a few steps when she felt the Commander leave his 'desk' and follow her. She wanted to leave fast but her feet unconsciously slowed down to let him catch up. “Come outside with me.” — “Huh? We are outside...” He retained a laugh and stopped to show her the gates on their right with one of his hands. “Outside of Skyhold.”

Oh. _That_ outside.

 

He stopped walking once they reached the middle of the bridge and rested his arms on the stone wall, facing the sun who was still struggling to rise while she stayed a little behind him. “You seem unsure about something for some reason.” She tried to think of the best way to tell him about how she felt concerning her new position in the Inquisition.

“When I was with my clan, I knew what my duties were as-” She was going to say 'First' but she corrected herself so that it would be clearer for him. “-as my Keeper's apprentice. Then in Haven, you would always send me on various missions so I didn't even have time to wonder about what I should do to help, it was obvious back then. But now that I'm the _Inquisitor_... I have no clue on how I should start. What am I supposed to do? What's more, I can't even help with the rebuilding of Skyhold because my fucking ribs are broken and this old healer forbid me to even lift a little finger.”

He raised an eyebrow, surprised by the use of the F* word in the middle of her tirade and maybe also by how tortured she seemed to be. She bit her lower lip then swiftly apologized for all of it. She was fine with saying those kind of words when she was with Varric but it was the first time that she let it slip in front of Cullen.

“That was...” — “Ridiculous? Annoying? Laughable?” She was waiting for some mockery but all she got was a kind smile. “I was going to say enlightening.”

_Huh?_

“Listen, I'm not lying when I say that you have proven yourself. You have been leading the Inquisition since the very beginning. You were chosen not only because you deserve it, but mostly because you've been playing the role of Inquisitor for far longer than you can imagine. You probably don't know what to do because you think that you must do more than you used to, but you're wrong. _Lothiriel_... This title only serves to acknowledge what was already true. There's nothing for you to do differently.”

She couldn't tell if he was blushing because of the cold or because he used her name, but she didn't care: it made _her_ happy to hear him say it. Apart from that, she had to admit that he was right. She wanted to do her best as Inquisitor so terribly that she ended up putting too much pressure on herself. And even if she had new responsibilities, no one asked her to learn all about them in just a single day. She still didn't know what she was supposed to do today, but I least she wasn't feeling down because of it anymore.

Lothiriel silentltly moved to be next to the Commander and imitated him by watching the sky lose its red and golden colors for a brighter blue. She wanted to hug him and tighten her arms around him as strongly as possible but she thought better of it, and simply thanked him.

“Don't mention it. If there is anything else I can do for you, you have only to ask.”

 


	17. Meeting Hawke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two weeks after arriving in Skyhold, Lothiriel meets with the mysterious person Varric wanted her to be introduced to.

_Two weeks_. That was the time the Inquisition had already spent in Skyhold. Everything was getting into place and Lothiriel was finally getting used to her title and responsibilities. The day was almost over but she still had something very important to do so she kept on waiting on the battlements, taking deep breaths of the amazingly pure and fresh air whenever the wind blew a little stronger than usual. She turned around only after she started hearing footsteps coming her way.

There, she saw her dwarf friend Varric with someone she didn't know but was eager to meet, especially now that she was aware of how handsome the stranger was. The man wasn't only tall but also quite large with strong biceps; his black hair were hiding a part of his forehead but not falling over his blue and yet dark eyes that gave out a more than severe look. What surprised her most – though it shouldn't since she herself had tattoos on her face with her vallaslin – was the mark drawn across his nose in red paint that could be mistaken for blood, probably for intimidation purposes (the thick beard helped too). The staff in his back gave away the fact that he was a mage.

“Inquisitor, meet Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwall.” — “Though I don't use that title much anymore.” She couldn't believe her ears. The man who could help them go on with their investigation on Corypheus and the Venatori, the man Varric had talked about two weeks ago was the Champion of Kirkwall himself. Varric proceeded to introduce her and didn't waste any time to mention the reason why they were meeting.

“I figured you might have some friendly advice about Corypheus.” — “You want my advice? Did you hear what happened to Kirkwall? My _advice_ nearly tore that city apart.” His muscles and voice were not the only things that were strong, his personality too. They had only exchanged a few words but she could tell he was the kind of man to be hard with himself.

“You did the best you could with an impossible situation. A lot of people were going to die either way, which is what I'm facing now. And don't forget I can still chose not to follow your advice.” There was a silence for a few seconds during which the human mage intensely gazed at Lothiriel who tried to stay as natural as possible even though she didn't feel at ease under his scrutinizing look.

“Fair enough. I'll tell you whatever you think will help but you've already dropped half a mountain on the bastard. I'm sure anything I can tell you pales in comparison.” She wasn't too sure about that. Right now, she was stuck in Skyhold because of the Inquisition's lack of information on the darkspawn, anything – even if it paled in comparison to an avalanche – was good enough for her to take.

“Corypheus has already killed the Divine, along with countless others... and he will kill a lot more unless we stop him.” — “You've already sealed the Breach. That's damned impressive. I could barely get my friends to stop fighting.” She quickly looked at her hand and was glad to see it calm, as if there was no Anchor.

“I wasn't in Kirkwall so I don't know about that... But I know that you're needed here, now. Whatever you know helps.” He was resting his arms on the walls of the battlements and she moved to do the same, looking for any sign of cooperation. “If you think I can help, I'll tell you what I know.” She couldn't help but let out a small sigh of relief. When looking at the man at first, she had thought it would be difficult to get anything from him but it proved to be easier than expected. The real Hawke clearly was nicer than the Hawke he wanted to show.

“This view reminds me of my home in Kirkwall. I had a balcony that overlooked the whole city. I loved it at first but after a while, all I could see were the people out there depending on me.” _How sad_.

“If I thought like that, I would never get anything done.” — “Then how do you put it out of your head?” The question was strange but she still took time to think of the best answer. And she found one.

“I go out into the wilderness and find something that wants to kill me. That usually clears my mind...” She thought she heard a laugh coming from him but she couldn't tell for sure. “It always worked for me. Speaking of things that want to kill you... I don't envy you Inquisitor, but I may be able to help you.”

Unconsciously, she got closer to Hawke and started speaking with more passion. “Varric said that you fought Corypheus before.” — “Fought and killed.” _What?_ “The Grey Wardens were holding him, and he somehow used his connection to the darkspawn to influence them.” As she was already getting lost, she was grateful to Varric for intervening in the conversation to explain.

“Corypheus got into their heads. Messed with their minds. Turned them against each other.” — “If the Wardens have disappeared, they could have fallen under his control again.” She was squeezing the stone of the wall so hard that her knuckles were becoming white and the stone hot despite the weather. “So... You're telling me that Corypheus has the Venatori, the Red Templars, and now possibly the Wardens as well? Wonderful...”

Lothiriel had dreamt of answers or at least leads for days but now that she was given some, she almost regretted asking for it. Her enemy seemed to have every existing grand group of warriors under his control while all the Inquisition had was the Inquisition itself. “I didn't come this far just to give you bad news.” She looked up at the mage, both a little distressed and relieved, to find a determined man.

“Do you think we can free the Wardens?” — “It's possible, but we need to know more first. I've got a friend in the Wardens, he was investigating something unrelated for me. His name is Stroud. The last time we spoke, he was worried about corruption in the Warden ranks. And since then? Nothing.” She immediately glimpsed at Varric who was apparently thinking the same thing as her.

“Corypheus would certainly qualify as corruption in the ranks. Did your friend disappear with them?” — “No, he told me he'd be hiding in an old smuggler's cave near Crestwood.” She had no idea where that was, but she knew already that it would be her next destination. They had nothing on Corypheus yet but freeing the Grey Wardens if they really were under his control would be another hard blow for him; and it was their only lead anyway.

“Thank you, I appreciate the help.” The man cleared his throat before talking again. “I'm doing this as much for myself as for you. Corypheus is my responsibility. I thought I'd killed him before... This time, I'll make sure of it.” There was nothing she could tell that would ease his guilt so she simply placed a gentle hand on his arm to show her gratitude and left in silence.

 

The Commander was there on the battlements also, gazing at the horizon and looking thoughtful. Lothiriel quietly approached, unsure whether or not she should disturb him while he was so plunged in his thoughts. Though her heart told her otherwise, she decided to go past him and rest a little before supper but she was stopped by his deep but very much neutral voice.

“I saw you talking with the Champion of Kirkwall.” She waited for him to add something as his sentence looked unfinished but nothing more came out of his mouth. The atmosphere was actually quite cold compared to what she was used to with him, and she couldn't understand why. Well, she had already noticed how moody he could be but that behavior right there was just weird.

“Yes, we did have a little chat. He's the person Varric wanted me to meet, remember?” No answer. It felt like talking to a wall, a stubborn one. “What's wrong with it? You were in Kirkwall, do you know the man personally? Is there something I should know? He is Varric's friend, surely I can trust him.” — “You can trust whoever you want, you're the Inquisitor. I have nothing against him, I was just making a statement.”

The lack of warmness in his words and tone could only be striking. “Then why are you so angry with me?”, she asked directly. “Who said I was angry?” _Really?_ She rushed to be next to the Commander and forced him to look at her. “Your face did. Still does.”

She wished he could say something. The silence between them was too heavy for her to bare any longer – especially since she didn't understand the reason behind it – and she was too exhausted to force anything out of him. She was ready to leave when he finally decided to speak.

“What did he say?” It was still pretty cold but at least he was talking. Sort of. She told him everything she had learned just a few minutes before about the Grey Wardens and added that she would leave for Crestwood in a couple of days to find this Stroud. “I suppose the Champion will be traveling with you.” It wasn't cold between them anymore; it was freezing. She didn't want to believe it at first but was it jealousy after all? She dared hope so as it would mean he cared about her, even a little.

“I didn't ask; maybe. He might travel on his own and meet us there.” He only nodded before turning on his heels to leave the battlements and, knowing him, go back to work even though it was getting late.

“Cullen-”

He didn't stop and she didn't go after him. He was being irrational and she had nothing to say: it could be jealousy just as it could be anything else but either way, it wasn't justified. She had done nothing wrong to make him angry and she refused to be the Commander's personal punching ball anytime he was upset. Even more tired than she was before this very brief conversation, she walked back to her room where she enjoyed the calm and peaceful environment before falling into a deep and invigorating sleep.


	18. Mistakes and regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following their only lead, Lothiriel and her companions travel to Crestwood with Hawke in order to find the Warden named Stroud, hoping he would be of help with their mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so very sorry it took me so much time to update. I didn't proofread the chapter yet so there probably is a ton of errors...  
> NSFW content toward the end!

Now that the camp was set, Lothiriel took two loaves of bread before sitting next to Varric who had been absentminded all day, and handed him one which he gladly accepted. “It was a little heated with Cassandra this morning... Are you alright?” His long and desperate sigh told her enough.

Before leaving for Crestwood, she had witnessed an impressive argument between the dwarf and the Seeker about Hawke that even forced her to intervene to prevent things from getting worse. Apparently, the Champion had been her first choice for the role of Inquisitor but Varric had kept silent about his friend's whereabouts when being interrogated about it. “Well, it depends. I wasn't trying to keep secrets. I told the Inquisition everything that seemed important at the time.”

She offered him a smile – not a broad one but it was gentle – and put a hand on his shoulder. “I know Varric, I believe you. And I'm sure Cassandra regrets how things went back there.”

He didn't answer right away, probably because he didn't believe that last part. She had to admit that she doubted too: she really liked her but most of the time, the Seeker was way too stubborn for her own good.

“I keep hoping none of this is real, maybe it's all some bullshit from the Fade and it'll just disappear. I know, I need to do better... I'm sorry.” — “Varric, there is nothing for you to apologize for. You did nothing wrong.”

 

They were eating the bread in silence – it was too dark to go hunting and they had nothing else to eat beside a few apples they wanted to keep for the road – when Varric decided to speak, which was a bit of a surprise for the elf giving his mood. “I never officially joined the Inquisition. I don't know how to do this... disciple-hood thing. I'm a businessman! Never really followed a chosen one before...”

Imagining Varric as an obedient disciple was enough for her to laugh; the idea in itself was ridiculous. “How about you just be my friend, Varric? That's what I need most.” — “If you knew how intimidating you are, you wouldn't make it sound so simple.”  
“Huh? It _is_ simple...” This time, it was his turn to laugh at her. “You just don't know what you are to the people out there! The Herald of Andraste, a symbol bigger than any of us.”

She knew she brought hope to many people but to say she was a symbol bigger than anyone, it was a bit much. “But there is no way I can be bigger than myself.” — “Sure you can. You just don't see yourself like they do. The sky tears open, demons everywhere... To ordinary folks, these are the end times! The only hope they have is _you_. You're the sign that somebody might hear their prayers, that maybe they're not abandoned after all.”

She listened to him carefully, aware that he was giving her some insight on what the people thought of her. Since the beginning of their adventure with the Inquisition, she had never seen things this way but this new perspective could only benefit her now that she was the Inquisitor. “I mean... You heard the crowd singing after Haven was attacked.”

Oh Gods, no. That had been wonderful in the way the people had been amazingly united but also very weird for her to see them gather around like that to sing. “Please, don't tell me you're going to burst into song now...” — “Don't worry, I'm not that cruel.”

For the first time today, they both laughed together and the heavy mood was a bit lifted. She knew she had found her friend back when he suggested they played a game of Wicked Grace with their companions and the Champion of Kirkwall who was traveling with them.

 ***

“There was no chance I could win against Varric and Bull.” To her surprise, Hawke scoffed at her in a somehow... nice way? Since they had been introduced, she had never seen him laugh or even smile; he was always frowning and talking in a very serious manner. He could be so tense that she even wondered how this man had become friend with someone like Varric who was much more cheerful, when not feeling guilty.

“Not only are they good at this game but you're also very lame at it.” She knew it was true so she didn't take it personally, especially since it looked like an attempt at humor, but she still looked at him as if she had been stabbed in the back. “I'm sure you're just jealous of my wonderful skills and are too afraid to admit it.”  
“You saw right through me, Inquisitor.” She laughed alone while he simply smiled, which was weird since he was definitely smiling but also still frowning.

“You may call me Lothiriel, you know.” And it struck her right after she said it. How was it that she was able to ask this man to call her by her first name so easily when she was incapable of doing the same with the Commander? She wished she could be so spontaneous when she was with him; perhaps it wouldn't be so awkward between them as it could be sometimes. “Then call me Hawke.”

She nodded and they resumed their conversation. She asked a lot of questions about Kirkwall and strangely enough, he answered them all and she never pushed it when he seemed to stay vague on purpose. Even though it was obvious that he wasn't good with conversation, he also tried to keep theirs alive by asking about her old life but mostly about her new one, since the creation of the Inquisition. Not far from them, a few pairs of eyes were looking at them with interest and curiosity, especially one belonging to a certain renowned dwarf.

 ***

 _Dear advisors,_  
_We are now in Crestwood and the situation here is desperate. Since the apparition of a rift, the area has been plagued with demons and undead. According to the Mayor, the only way to get to this rift is to drain the lake by using some controls that are located in a keep... which is currently occupied by bandits. The lake also prevents us from finding the Warden so the plan is quite simple for now: we capture the keep. We'll need men to run it once it's done._  
_Lothiriel Lavellan  
_ _PS: strange fact: we met two Grey Wardens looking for Hawke's friend. And when I say “look”, I mean “hunt”._

\---

 _Dear advisors,_  
_Caer Bronach is ours and the lake has been drained, though I'm afraid to announce that by doing so, we might have awoken a dragon. As usual, Bull is overexcited – a little too much if you ask me. Don't worry, we're not going after it: closing the rift located in the once flooded caves is more important.  
Lothiriel Lavellan_

_\---_

_Dear advisors,_  
_Closing the rift freed Crestwood from the demons and undead. I'm glad we had Hawke's help, it wasn't an easy task fighting this kind of monsters in the caves. Speaking of which, the story behind these makes me sick. The Mayor has left a letter for us that will be attached to mine. He's a criminal, he must be found and judged._  
_We're on our way to find Stroud now.  
_ _Lothiriel Lavellan_

_\---_

_Dear advisors,_  
_We learned that all Wardens are hearing the Calling at the moment and it would seem that Warden-Commander Clarel has a plan to end all Blights at once: she spoke of a blood magic ritual; when Stroud protested against it, he was called a traitor and had to flee. He suspects that Corypheus is involved, if not entirely behind it. The Wardens are to gather in the days to come in an ancient Tevinter ritual tower in the Western Approach. We won't be coming back yet as we're already leaving with Hawke and Stroud to surprise them with our visit.  
Lothiriel Lavellan_

_\---_

_Dear advisors,_  
_The ritual is led by a magister named Livius Erimond who's working for Corypheus as a Venatori, and consists of binding a Warden with a demon by sacrificing another Warden. Any Warden who completes the ritual becomes a puppet, a slave to the Elder One. We couldn't release them from the binding so they had to be eliminated. The magister fled during the battle, but we believe he is headed for the Adamant Fortress. We are on our way back to Skyhold to prepare. It will be no ordinary battle._  
_Lothiriel Lavellan_  
_PS: the magister said that the Anchor apparently allows me to pass safely through the Veil to access the Fade._

_\---_

_Dear advisors,_  
_You will not believe it! On our way to Skyhold, we met a professor specialized in Draconology. Because he refused to move to safety before he completed his research, we decided to help him... And what a great idea we had there. His work led us to a dragon living in the area! We managed to lure it but more importantly, we then got to fight it! That most certainly was the most difficult battle of my life. It may have been long and exhausting and dangerous and crazy but all of us agree on one thing: it was absolutely incredible. Please don't be mad. We're all alive and well and we had fun. Please.  
Lothiriel Lavellan _

*** 

As the sun was setting, the light began to fade and the horses slowed down more and more. It would soon be time to stop for the night. Thankfully for all of them, they should arrive in Skyhold in two days – the mountains were just ahead – and would be able to rest properly then. “So...” She looked up to meet Dorian's inquisitive eyes. The man clearly had something in his mind. She didn't say anything but made sure he noticed her very suspicious look.

“I am bored. Let us talk about... your tastes in men, would you?” That was even worse than she imagined. “I don't have any way out of this, do I?”  
“How perceptive.” She sighed and allowed him to go on with a swift movement of the hand.

She knew damn well they would not talk about the Commander – their relationship was so undefined that it was impossible for anyone to even notice her feelings for him (right?) – but about Hawke. There was no denying that they had grown quite close during their time in Crestwood and the Western Approach together, and she would be lying if she said that she didn't find the man attractive or that there wasn't any kind of physical attraction between them.

“I would like to have your opinion on someone we both know... He's a tall mage with strong muscles, dark hair, blue eyes and a most barbaric beard.” Because she stayed silent, he added to the description. “Deep voice, always frowning, friend with a dwarf.” Silence. “Kirkwall.”

His attempt at getting any reaction from her without telling the name of the man he was referring to finally proved to be funnier for her than for him. “Come on now, I know you found out who I'm talking about.” — “Oh indeed. Are you interested in him, Dorian? I could help you out if you're so desperate to have a date.”

The way he rolled his eyes was hilarious but she kept her laugh for herself. “Smartass. I believe he's more into young female elves with beautiful brown hair and tanned skin.” She looked at him from the side and when she noticed that he was doing the same, burst out laughing. “I have no idea what you're talking about, surely you're imagining things Dorian.”  
“If I was imagining things, I would picture him with me, not you.”  
“So you find him attractive then?” She received a light punch on the shoulder. “Don't try to avoid it, it won't work with me.”

She sighed and tried to think hard about a way to get out of this conversation she didn't want to have. She didn't find anything but she didn't have to: Stroud interrupted them by suggesting a place for camp. It was flat and not too far from a little stream. She swiftly turned her horse around under Dorian's exasperated look and joined the others to start setting up the camp and escape from her mage friend's questions.

 ***

“I'm going to the stream to wash a little.” They all nodded and let her leave without making any joke on her possible nudity, even though she was the only woman in the party. Varric, Bull, Blackwall and Dorian were used to traveling with her and those who were new to the team were mature enough to not make any salacious joke or remark.

Because the moon was almost full, the plain was well lit and she had no trouble navigating in the night to reach the stream. It was cold and the water was even colder, but she hated going to sleep with all the dirt and sweat of the day, so she undertook to take off her clothes to wash anyway. Her attire was made of many layers since it had been worked on by Harritt but she never complained since it was to protect her.

All that was left were her trousers and her shirt when she felt something moving behind her. Alerted, she stopped moving to focus on her hearing and guess where and what it came from to determine the best course of action. The rustling grew closer and she tensed, ready to cast any spell, even without her staff. “Don't attack, it's just me.” She let out a sigh of relief that could be heard by the most deaf person from anywhere in Thedas.

Recognizing the voice reassured her but she was still not comfortable enough to turn around and face the intruder. Her white shirt was thin and see-through if exposed to light and she didn't want to trust the moon with that. The man was now right behind her and she felt his intense gaze, making her feel naked even if she still had some clothes on. “Hawke. What are you doing here?”, she asked gently. She got no answer – which was no surprise coming from him – but she wished she did.

One minute later and he would have found her entirely nak-. _Oh_. She couldn't be certain but it was possible that this had actually been his intention. He knew she was going to wash herself, he knew she would have to undress eventually. The idea made her very much aware of her surroundings, and especially of him.

That's when she felt it, his strong hand on her shoulder and his fingers playing with her shirt collar. She had a hard time believing how bold he had been to join her here and how bold he still was by doing this. Part of her was revolted but it wasn't enough to fight against the other part of her that liked his touch. She knew exactly why she couldn't resist. For months she had lived with this sexual frustration due to her attraction for a Commander that would never make any move on her and for months, she had been forced to pleasure herself to appease her sexual desires. And now, there was a very handsome man who wasn't afraid of what he wanted and was ready to take his chance, ready to take _her_. Her breathing grew louder, giving out not only the fact that she liked the caresses but also her doubts and stress.

“If you don't want me to go any further, just say it and I'll leave.” The first image that came to her mind after he spoke was one of the Commander, but the mage's touch on her shoulder considerably blurred it. Could she turn down this man for another that would probably never dare touching her like this, even if he cared for her?

“No.”

She couldn't turn him down. “Don't stop.” Her feelings for the Commander could be mutual but anyone who knew the man could tell that even so, they would never lead anywhere. _This_ right now would also never lead anywhere, so there was no barrier, nothing to prevent her from letting it go for a moment and enjoy some more primal activities.

His hand moved from her shoulder to her hip, joined by his other hand and his mouth on her neck. He didn't waste any time to go for her breasts under her shirt and play with her nipples. The touch was rough but pleasurable, and she was grateful for it. She didn't want love or tenderness, but something wilder.

Without warning, he grabbed her by one of her arms and forced her to face him so that he could put his arms around her and grab her bottom, pushing her against him. Her cheeks reddened when she felt _it_ but he was too absorbed in kissing her neck, shoulder and collar bone to notice her bashfulness.

She nimbly let herself lie on the ground where she was very quickly joined by her lover who covered her with his large body. He had already taken his bits of armor off at the camp, making it easier for her to start undressing him. She wasn't done with the first layer when he grabbed her by the chin and looked at her lips with passion. And she looked at his in the same way.

The kiss they shared wasn't soft and delicate but passionate and savage. Any shyness she had felt before was now gone and she went on with undressing him just as he did his best to take her shirt off without tearing it apart. Because she wasn't entirely comfortable with the kissing, she pushed his head downward so that he would focus on her breasts again now that she was topless. But before that, she was offered quite the show when he removed his shirt himself to reveal his well-drawn chest which was slightly covered with dark hair.

The feeling of his tongue on and around her nipple made her forget about any sort of guilt. But he wasn't there just for her breasts and he made it clear by taking her pants off rapidly and effectively to have her completely naked under him. One of his hands immediately reached for her inner thigh and then for her more private parts.

She let out a first moan after he began his sensual caresses, but wasn't allowed to do it any louder because of his sudden kiss. She wanted to let it go but she knew he was right to silence her this way. It was already embarrassing that the others knew what they were doing – they weren't stupid – and she would hate to learn that they could hear her.

Feeling bold, she reached for his breeches to lower it enough so that it would free him from the material. The plain was well lit but it was still too dark for her to perfectly draw his anatomy but by touch, she could tell the size of it was good enough, neither small nor big, not that she had slept with many men to compare it with. She found it hard to focus on him while he was playing with her but she did her best to take care of his boner.

“Do you want it?” She found herself unable to answer with her voice so she just nodded to inform him that she was ready. She thought he would position himself above her but he had her roll to lie on her stomach instead. Not being able to see him correctly anymore made her both anxious and excited, so she focused on her hearing to determine what he was doing. Beside the sound of the stream, she could hear him lower his trousers even more to be comfortable.

She wasn't wet enough for him to go in easily so he worked his way in slowly, kissing her neck and hair to relax her as much as possible. His beard tickled her but it wasn't unpleasant. It didn't take much time for both of them to get used to each other and the position – position which was actually new to her – and find their own pace. It was fast, almost uncontrolled, and accompanied by the sound of his body banging against her bottom.

Because it was becoming harder for her to hide her moans, he put his shirt over her mouth to muffle the sound, careful not to deprive her of air. At this precise moment, she was glad that orgasms and love were not necessarily linked as she felt it come to her. She looked for anything to hold onto but all she could find within reach were his hands and grass; she chose the later. However, even though she felt that she would be having an orgasm at any time now, it never came, as if it was stuck somewhere and couldn't move to get to her anymore. Could it be that her lack of feelings for Hawke prevented her from taking any more pleasure in what they were doing? Or was it because deep down, she wished he was someone else, someone she deeply cared for?

Her voice still muffled because of the shirt, she weakly asked him to stop but he didn't, fucking her a few seconds more until he finally came. The white and hot fluid added to the sweat on her back but he didn't care and let himself fall on her anyway. As for Lothiriel, she was too exhausted to complain about his weight crushing her or his heavy breathing in her ear.

It had felt good for sure but now that it was over, all there was left for her was the shame, this guilt feeling, this terrible sensation of having cheated on someone; on _him_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know you are too emotionally involved when you also felt like cheating while writing the last part of the chapter... My heart's broken. I need to fix this in the fic very quickly!


	19. An overwhelming jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Commander Cullen heard something he wasn't supposed to hear and what he learned then had a devastating effect on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cullen's POV because WHY NOT, right?

“Don't lie to me. The two of you disappeared for quiiite some time. You were alone...and in the woods...” Hawke rolled his eyes, clearly bothered by his friend's curiosity. “I wonder what happened... I can't seem to remember.”

“Oh, come on... Give me something; anything. For the sake of my next book.” — “I have nothing for you Varric.” The dwarf grunted. “I can't believe I used to call you my friend.”

They were now too far away for him to hear anything more. He wanted to believe that the other person involved in this getaway they were talking about wasn't her, but considering the fact that she was the only female in their traveling group, it was very unlikely. Even though he couldn't be sure and would need more information to confirm his suspicions, his heart ached like never before, unable to bear the pain caused by the idea of her in another man's arms.

“Commander?” He looked up and noticed the soldier still waiting for orders. He had been so absorbed in the two men's exchange that he hadn't paid any attention to the report. He asked him to repeat but was still too unfocused to think well enough. He gave a random order and quickly went back to his office, leaving a very confused soldier behind.

 

He slammed the door with so much vigor that even the heavy walls trembled and shook. He was feeling miserable, as well as irrationally furious. He knew she wasn't his and would most likely never be, but he felt betrayed and lonely nonetheless.

If he first thought that he would resent her (should his suspicions be verified), he found that he was actually able to organize his thoughts (kind of), admitting that he wasn't mad at her at all but at himself instead.

 _He_ was the idiot here for falling in love with her even though nothing would ever be possible between them. He could only laugh at himself. What a great Commander he was, letting his heart interfere with his work like so. He was ashamed of feeling jealous, of wanting so badly to punch this Hawke – or worse.

He couldn't have her for himself, he knew that very well. That's why it made him so angry to now be aware of the fact that he would never be able to see her with another man and keep a reasonable behavior. According to him, at this point in time, no one could be more selfish than he was for keeping his feelings to himself and yet pray for her to never get close to anyone else.

If he had understood the previous conversation correctly, then what happened during their travel could only be his fault. He was the one who had pushed her away right before she left for her long journey. His jealousy was getting out of control. It made him lose his mind and forget everything about rationality. The more his feelings for her grew, the more irrational he became.

It had to stop. One way or another, it had to stop. He had absolutely no idea on how to put an end to this, but he couldn't go one like that. For her sake, but also for his. This new feeling of deep caring mixed with this overwhelming jealousy was too much for him to bear, and it kept him away from his mission as the Commander of the Inquisition. He couldn't push the problem aside as he used to up until now. He had to tackle it, find peace with himself, go back to how he once was.

But in a way, he didn't want to change. The Cullen he used to be before he met her was harsh and blinded by his believes. And those powerful feelings and emotions came with one thing he had never experienced before: some sort of inner peace. Although he was surrounded by blood and horror, just thinking about her was enough for him to feel calm and peaceful.

 

He eyed the half emptied bottle of wine on his desk for a while before he sat down on his office chair. The wine wasn't that excellent but he didn't care. At the moment, he didn't want to drink to enjoy the taste but to rest his mind.

He failed to stay away from imagining things though. He was haunted by the thought of Hawke's touch on her beautiful tanned skin, or his rough lips on hers which were so delicate, or even him on top of her while they-. The noise made by the bottle as it broke in his hand as well as the pain were enough to snap him out of this awful scene.

There was then a knock on the door in front of him. Sighing because it definitely wasn't a good time, he still invited the person in while looking for something to clean up the mess. Some reports soaked in wine, and maybe blood, were now impossible to read. He wanted to sigh again but the sight before him had him stop everything that he was doing.

 _Oh Andraste, help me_. Of all the people in Skyhold, it was definitely not a good time for her to see him now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next were supposed to be one but it felt better to divide them, that's why it's kinda short. BUT that also means that the next chapter will be out VERY soon!! :D


	20. A fresh start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cullen's POV again :)

There she was, awkwardly making her way toward him. It had been weeks since he last saw her, and though she was just getting back from her long journey, he still found her to be one of the most beautiful creatures of this world.

For a second there, he completely forgot about the conversation between Varric and Hawke, he forgot about the spilled wine on his desk, he even forgot about the pain in his hand. Coming back to his senses, he cleared his throat and got up from his chair to greet her.

“Good afternoon Inquisitor.” He gulped and waited for her to answer but she didn't. It was clear that she had been about to before being stopped by the mess on his desk that was too impressive to not notice.

She kept silent and swiftly made her way to him to take his wounded hand his hers, examining the numerous and sometimes very deep cuts. She undertook to remove the biggest pieces of broken glass that were embedded in his wounds and then took her scarf off to roughly bandage his hand.

“You don't have to do this, I'll just go to the infirmary. You just came back, you should rest.” She didn't listen to him and did her best to quickly save what could still be preserved from the wine on his desk. While she was doing so, he opened one of the drawers and took a soft handkerchief to wipe the wine. With the both of them, it only took a minute to rearrange the mess. Unfortunately, the massive wooden desk would be permanently stained.

“Come.” She grabbed his arm and forced him out of his office. He could have resisted but he didn't, secretly enjoying the fact that she was giving _him_ some of her time. Following her in Skyhold, he grew anxious when he understood that she was leading him to her room. He did his best to hide that his breathing was getting more irregular, and that his heart rate was completely erratic.

The room was big and simply but elegantly decorated. Josephine had done her best to respect Lothiriel's tastes and had avoided shiny furnitures. She invited him to sit on the bed – as there was nowhere else for him to sit – and he quietly obeyed while she was looking for something in a massive trunk. In her hands, there was now a wooden box with elvish carvings.

She sat next to him and her fingers, as agile as always, opened the box to reveal all kinds of medicinal stuff. She gently uncovered his hand and began to remove the smaller pieces of glass now that she was equipped to do so, always in silence. He was glad to be here with her, alone, but it didn't make it any less awkward. Now that he was getting used to her presence, his mind started to wander again and think about her possible liaison with the Champion of Kirkwall.

Though he was the one having a privileged moment with her at the moment, his heart kept reminding him of how jealous he had been a few minutes earlier – and how he still was. If it wasn't for this tiny bit of reason that was still within him, he would already be pinning her down on the bed to kiss her and more, to claim her as his and to make her forget about this Hawke or any other man.

 

While she was patiently taking care of his hand, his eyes lingered on her face. Her forehead was showing signs of worry and focus. A drop of sweat rolled from her hairline to her cheeks which were pinker than they usually were. He thought he would lose his mind when she moistened her lips with the tip of her tongue but he stayed calm and fought the urge to touch them.

The more he looked at her and the more certain he was concerning what he should do to save his soul. Since the very beginning, all he had done was to hide his feelings from her so that their relationship would remain strictly professional. But he wouldn't be honest with himself if he didn't acknowledge the fact that he had often failed.

How many times had he let her first name slip because he had been way too worried about her as a person and not as the Herald of Andraste? How many times had they let their barriers fall to show each other their weaknesses? How many times a day did he think about her and wished she came back to him alive and well? It was too late to hide now.

If he kept on acting like a templar and pushing her away, his jealousy would only grow until it became completely unbearable, and his untold feelings would eat him alive until he became too crazy to live. Maybe it was time for him to let his life as a templar entirely behind and to become a regular man. As a regular man, he would be able to be with her, to hold her and protect her, if she wanted him to.

The insecure Cullen from his office was almost gone, giving in to a Cullen who knew what (more like who) he wanted. He had let the Champion of Kirkwall ruin his morale but he was now determined to play the game. The only way to keep her away from other men and to save what was left of his mind was for him to win her love. He would probably never be as bold as Hawke and he didn't even know how to start (he had never _intentionally_ flirted with anyone before after all) but being true to his feelings when being around her was a good start.

 

“I'm done.” When he looked down from her face to glimpse at his hand, it was properly bandaged and his fingers were clean from any trace of blood. “I'm sure you didn't do it on purpose but please, try to be more careful next time.”

She got up and put the box back in the trunk. The sensation of emptiness after her hands left his reassured him in his new resolution. He was even more sure now: he definitely needed her by his side to start living instead of surviving.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “If she's happy with him, then I'm happy” is not something we're going to hear from Cullen in this fic...


	21. An old friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen talks about his relationship with Samson.  
> Lothiriel gets more news from her clan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive me for the veeery veeeeery veeeeeeeeeeery long pause since the last update.  
> Life can get quite ecstatic sometimes, and the fic wasn't one of my priorities :(  
> I hope you enjoy this new chapter!

“Is something troubling you?... Unless breaking bottles of wine is one of your passions, which would be fine. Almost. It would be kind of weird.” She tried to joke about what just happened to hide her concern but her small worried smile could only give her away. Cullen seemed unsure for a second, probably wondering if he should tell her what was wrong or not. (He couldn't tell her it was because of Hawke, obviously...)

“It's just that I've found where the Red Templars came from.” She didn't question his sincerity at all. This news was so big that she couldn't imagine something else was actually on his mind when he broke the bottle. She closed the trunk where she had put her first aid kit back and came back to sit next to him on the bed.

“Therinfal Redoubt. The knights were fed red lyrium until they turned into monsters. Samson took over after their corruption was complete.” Seeing him clenching his unhurt fist, she did what was most natural to her: she put her hand above his, secretly wishing that it would calm him down. He didn't seem to mind, on the contrary, and it gave her enough courage to dive in the subject.

“How do you know Samson?”  
“He was a templar in Kirkwall, until he was expelled from the Order itself. I knew he was an addict, but this... Red lyrium is nothing like the lyrium given by the Chantry. Its power, it comes with a terrible madness.” So she first heard from Varric and so she saw with her own eyes in Haven.

“The red templars we met were proof enough”, she simply answered.  
“And we cannot allow them to gain strength. Look, the Red Templars still require lyrium. We find their source? We weaken them AND their leader. Caravans of red lyrium are being smuggled along trade roads. Investigating them could lead to where it's being mined.”

“It's a good plan. You've been thinking about it all day, haven't you?”  
“Maybe not all day, I've had other things in mind too.” The way he looked at her as he said so was so intense she had to look away to breathe.

“Are... Are you mad because Samson is involved?”  
“I'm mad because what they're doing is wrong. But you're right... Samson should know better.”

“You two seem to have personal history.”  
“We shared quarters when I first arrived in Kirkwall. He was a decent man, really. But he was expelled by the Knight Commander for 'erratic behavior'. I think he ended up begging in the streets and committed a few crimes but he always managed to evade the Order's Justice. And now he's just Corypheus puppet...” She strengthen her grip on his now unclenched fists. Holding hands should make them feel uncomfortable and yet, it only felt right at the moment.

“But... Why do you think he did this? Why do you think he joined Corypheus?”  
“He was a lyrium addict. He stopped receiving any after he was expelled. It was said that he used to spend every coin he got to buy some to local smugglers in Kirkwall. Perhaps Corypheus flattered his vanity, gave him purpose as well as lyrium. Perhaps that's all it took.”

“What a miserable life...”  
“He may have been expelled, but he had choices. He could have found another path.” Harsh words but true. Joining Corypheus and becoming his general was unforgivable, no matter what his life used to be.

A knock on the door interrupted the silence that had followed their conversation. Surprised, Lothiriel got up and abruptly let go of the Commander's hand. “Come in.” As if she had something to hide, she made her way to her desk away from Cullen who was still sitting on the bed and pretended to be looking for something.

“Lothiriel, I just received some news about-” Leliana stopped in the middle of her sentence to take a good look at the scene before her eyes. “- your clan.”  
“Oh, good. Is it from Josephine's ambassador? The one we sent to investigate the Duke of Wycome?”

“I have a letter from her, yes, but also two letters from your keeper.” She gave one of the Keeper's letters to Lothiriel so she could read it. It was short but it contained everything they needed to know. Humans were becoming more violent everyday, and some city elves even left their alienage to join the clan and survive.

“Our diplomat advised that we do not use violence. I suggest we listen to her.” Every time she thought things would go well again for her clan, it ended worse than before. How could she focus on the Inquisition when her family was in constant danger? Cullen was now by her side, patting her back in an effort to soothe her nerves. He couldn't know what was wrong exactly but the tension, both in the room and on her face, must have made it easy enough for him to grasp the importance of the conversation.

“We should act before they do.” Leliana's voice was firm. “If we want to stay discreet, my scouts could get your clan's hunters in Wycome itself, strike from the inside.” Lothiriel looked up to the Commander for advice. He didn't need to talk to tell her that he agreed with the plan.

“Fine. Let's do this.” She trusted Leliana's agents and the hunters. They could do it, she knew they could. Taking a deep breath in, she tried to let all of the tension go.

“Leliana, you talked about two letters?” The spymaster nodded and handed it. “It's written in elven. I believe it's more personal.”

_“Dear Lothiriel,_   
_I sent a letter yesterday to your Inquisition regarding our situation here, but here is another one, specifically for you. As you now know, our clan is in more danger everyday. I do not know how all of this will end, though I still want to believe that our Gods will help us get through._   
_I fear for our lives, I fear for the survival of Clan Lavellan and as a Keeper, it is my responsibility to pass on our lore and to protect us. You know that, and you're doing the very same thing at a much bigger scale now. It is as a Keeper that I decided that Valyhris could no longer stay here. At first, it was difficult to make her understand that she had to leave the clan for her sake. But she grew impatient as soon as she learned that she would be joining you. Athlen is with her, they left this morning._   
_I am sure your hands are full as Inquisitor, but I cannot let her live here, knowing we could all die anytime soon. I heard Skyhold is a safe place. It can only be better than here for a child._   
_Take care of yourself Lothiriel and remember: as long as a Lavellan lives, the clan lives._   
_I'm proud of you,_   
_Keeper Deshanna."_

A tear fell down on the thick paper, blurring a letter or two. Leliana quietly left the room to offer her some space. As soon as the door closed, she felt strong arms surrounding her and hugging her tight. The tear became tears and she started crying in Cullen's arms. As much as her Keeper had tried to hide it, the letter looked a lot like a goodbye one. The only positive thing was that she would soon see Valyhris and Athlen again. A few minutes passed before she let go of the Commander.

“I'm sure they'll succeed. They're strong, and they will be helped by Leliana's scouts. It will be fine.” He stayed silent, probably not wanting to make a promise he might not be able to keep. Regaining composure, she wiped her tears from her cheeks and started looking all around her. “We should prepare a room next to mine. Someone from my family is coming to live here. I have to talk to Josephine.”

Cullen only nodded and followed her out of the room. “I know you're worried but take it slow, Lothiriel. You need to rest before we leave for Adamant Fortress.”


	22. Drua sa ni

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During their travel in the Fade, memories are recovered and hard choices are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title translation: sacrifice of a friend  
> This chapter is totally classic and canon, nothing new but I really love this part of the game so I just had to write about it haha

The catapults were working non stop in order to break the Fort. After climbing huge ladders, some soldiers were already on the battlements, fighting and killing the Wardens who were throwing rocks above the wall to prevent the Inquisition from destroying the entrance door. The Fortress was highly damaged, making it look like the Inquisition was in a position of strength but the truth was that they weren't really inside Adamant yet. She was supposed to wait for a passage to be created but she couldn't bare it any longer. Staying still while all these men were risking their lives was too much for her. She ran as fast as she could and joined the soldiers who were in charge of pushing the battering ram. It was dangerous, some rocks fell on some of them, killing them on the spot, but she stayed.

“Come on, we're almost there!”, she yelled to give them courage. They hit the door a few times and to their surprise, it started to break. “One more time!” And it was the last needed. The door broke down, allowing the Inquisition to pass and enter the Fortress.

“All right, you have your way in. Best make use of it.” She recognized the Commander's voice and turned around. “We'll keep the main host of demons occupied for as long as we can.”

“Good, just don't take useless risks.” — “We'll do what we have to. Warden Stroud will guard your back. Hawke is already on the battlement with our soldiers, he's assisting them until you arrive.” She sighed and finally nodded. “Fine. You stay safe.” He smiled but time was counted. Not far away, one of their men was thrown from the battlement by a demon.

“There's too much resistance on the wall. Our men on the ladders can't get a foothold. If you can clear out the enemies on the battlements, we'll cover your advance.” He didn't let her answer and ran back to his men, probably in order to reorganize. Thankfully, she had nothing to say nor ask. This was enough for her. Since the creation of the Inquisition, he had often treated her as a weak female elf, always arguing against her going on dangerous missions. Today, not only were they both fighting in the same battle, but he also trusted her abilities enough to give her the same dangerous missions he once dreaded.

“Sassy Bear, here you are! We couldn't find you!”, Varric and the others genuinely looked worried. “Sorry, I may have run here without warning to help with the door. We must help our men on the battlements and find Hawke!”

They didn't waste any time and ran up the stairs. Between the demons and the trained Wardens, the battle wasn't easy but thanks to Stroud and Blackwall, they gained some allies along the way. It pained her greatly to have to kill all of these men who thought were doing the right thing, but she was comforted by the fact that death was their only way out of this. The majority of the Wardens they were fighting were already lost, mindless puppets for Corypheus to manipulate as he wished. After finding Hawke, they made their way to the center of the Fortress where the ceremony was probably taking place. When they arrive, a dead body was already lying at Warden-Commander Clarel's feet.

“Stop the ritual! If you complete it, you'll only do what Erimond wants.” — “Fighting the Blight? Keeping the world safe from darkspawns? Who wouldn't want that?” She sent him the darkest look. If it could kill, he would be dead already.

“Yes, the ritual requires blood sacrifice. Hate me for that if you must, but do not hate the Wardens for doing their duty.” _Right, play the hero while you still can, snake_.  
“We make the sacrifice no one else will. Our warriors die proudly for a world that will never thank them.”  
“Clarel, how can you be so blind! He binds your mages to Corypheus! Haven't you noticed how lifeless your men have become?” — “Corypheus? But he's dead!” Erimond said something to her ear they couldn't ear. _Please Clarel, make the right choice..._

“Bring it through!”

“No!” She tried to move on to stop the ritual but was stopped by a line of Wardens. Hawke and Stroud tried to convince them to stop, with no success. But she could not give up on them now. She had to try one last thing. It was her last shot. If they didn't listen to her, then it would end in blood.

“You Grey Wardens have a proud history! You stopped the Blight at the Silent Plains, at Starkhaven also, and Hunter Fell. At Ayesleigh and Denerim! This world owes you a debt it can never repay... I would not stand against you if I did not know you were being misused.”  
Her words seemed to shake Clarel's faith and confidence. For a second, she thought her words had worked, that there wouldn't be any more bloodshed. But she was wrong. Erimond clearly had prepared for this eventuality.

“My Master thought you might come here, Inquisitor! And he sent me this to welcome you!” Lothiriel frowned while he tapped the ground with his staff. It wasn't long before she heard this shriek she knew all to well by now.

“Corypheus's dragon! Take cover!”

The Beast landed on the small tower above them, breathing his unnatural fire on them. Hidden behind a wall, she tried to organize her thoughts and make a plan. But memories of her last encounter with it rushed back and paralyzed her thoughts. Taking a deep breath in, she came out of her hiding place to face the Dragon but it was already flying high. Erimond was running away with Clarel on his tail while all the Wardens and the Inquisition's soldiers were fighting the demons together.

“Let's follow them!” They were at the top of the Fortress when they caught them, but the flying monster arrived at the same time, taking the Warden-Commander into its mouth to violently throw her to the ground. Lothiriel wished she could go check on her, but the Dragon was too close, walking just above her and toward them.  
“In war, victory... In peace, vigilance.” Clarel rose her arm as it shone with magic and attacked one last time, just as the Beast was about to charge. Tripping, it fell off the bridge and broke everything on its way. Even the floor which was now shaking.

“GO BACK! RUN!” She yelled as loud as she could and those who were the closest to the Fortress managed to quickly reach stable grounds but some were too far away to get back. She felt the floor collapse before she could catch the edge and fell as more than half of her companions above shouted her name. She saw Hawke, Stroud, Cole, and Solas falling with her. They couldn't die like this, not now. There was still so much to do... Pointing her left hand toward the nearing ground, she focused on it to create a rift, just as she had done after the avalanche in Haven, in the underground corridors where she had fallen. Except this time, it had to be bigger, much bigger. Almost at the last moment, she managed to open one that engulfed her immediately, and hoped it was large enough for her friends to fall in it too.

***

Prepared for impact, she opened her eyes when she felt that she wasn't falling anymore, but that she wasn't touching anything either. She was floating... until she touched the ground _above_ her head. This time, she had not prepared for the impact. She quickly got up, grunting, and looked around her. She stopped moving when she saw Stroud walking normally on a rock, perpendicularly to her.

“Where are we?”, he asked.  
“We were falling...” She turned to face the voice and was even more shocked to find Hawke walking upside down. Now she had doubts about which one of them was on the right floor. “Is this... Are we dead? If this is the afterlife the Chantry promised then I have some reclamation.”

“No. The Inquisitor used the mark to open a rift and we fell through. Which means we could be in the Fade.” Well, at least Stroud is following. She nodded to Hawke to show that she agreed with this explanation.  
“We came through... And survived.”, Solas added. “I never thought I would ever find myself here physically... Look! The Black City, almost close enough to touch...”

“Mmh... I know it must be very exciting for you Solas. But any advice on what's exactly going on would be wonderful really.”  
“Cole, how does it feel to be back home?” _Yep. That's it. Just ignore me_. The poor kid was in panic, stuttering and moving all around. “I can't be here. Not like this! Not like me! This place is wrong. I made myself forget when I made myself real, but I know it wasn't like this!”  
“Calm down Cole, it's alright. We'll make it right.” She put her hand on his shoulder and tried to calm him down.

“It's not how I remember the Fade either...” Even Hawke. She couldn't tell, she had never seen the Fade before. Well... She had, but she had no recollection of it. “Perhaps it's because we're here physically, instead of just dreaming? The stories say you walked out of the Fade at Haven. Was it like this?”  
“I- I don't know. I still can't remember what happened...”  
“Alright, it doesn't matter. We can't assume that we're safe, we must find a way out.”  
“In our world, the rift the demons came through was nearby, in the main hall. Can we escape the same way?”, Stroud suggested.  
“Well... It beats waiting for demons to find us, right?” She faked a smile and tried to analyze her surroundings to identify the safest route. “Look, a rift. Let's follow the path that leads there.”

***

“By the Maker, could that be...?” On top of some stairs, someone was waiting for them. It was an old woman, dressed in the fanciest Chantry's clothes. Was she who she thought she was?

“Divine Justinia?” She smiled back. “It can't be... What are you? A demon? A spirit? The Divine couldn't have survived Haven.”  
“Couldn't she? How much of Haven do you truly remember?” She was right. She couldn't remember anything from the explosion. She had tried many times but failed each time. “You think my survival impossible, yet you stand here, in the Fade, alive. But proving my existence either way would require time we do not have. I am here to help you. You do not remember what happened at the Temple of Sacred Ashes, Inquisitor.”

“Wait. The real Divine wouldn't know that I'd been made Inquisitor...”  
“I know because I have examined memories like yours, stolen by the Demon that serves Corypheus. It is the nightmare you forget upon waking. It feeds of memories of fear and darkness, growing fat upon the terror. The false calling that terrified the Wardens into making such grave mistakes? Its making. This place of darkness is its lair. When you entered the Fade at Haven, the demon took a part of you. Before you do anything, you must recover it.”

“Are you saying that he stole my memories? That he's the reason why I can't remember? How do I recover them?”  
“Do you see these demons? They are your memories. Take them back.”

She eliminated everyone of them and each time she killed one, pieces of her memories came back to her. So that's how she got the mark, it was because she touched the Orb the moment it exploded... It didn't come from Andraste to save Thedas. In a way, it reassured her. When she looked up again, the Divine was back.

“Corypheus intended to rip open the Veil, use the Anchor to enter the Fade, and throw open the doors of the Black City; not for the old Gods, but for himself. When you disrupted his plan, the orb bestowed the Anchor upon you instead.”  
“Well, it's not like I ever thought Andraste did this.”  
“Now you're certain. However, you cannot leave the Nightmare's lair before you regain all that it took from you. You recovered some of yourself but now, it knows you're here. You must make haste, I will prepare the way ahead.” And as fast as she had arrived, she disappeared.

“She's right. We shouldn't linger here. Let's go.” Taking care of Cole like a mother would, she took him under her arm and walked until she noticed that Hawke wasn't following.  
“Something troubles you, Hawke?” — “Those were Grey Wardens holding the Divine in that vision. Their actions led to her death.” — “I assume he had taken their minds, as you've seen him do before.”, Stroud answered.  
“Stop it you two”, she stepped in, “You can argue once we escape this dark place.”

While they were making their way up, someone started speaking to them, his voice coming out of nowhere. Or should she say everywhere. The Nightmare, without a doubt. He kept toying with everyone's fears, trying to break them down, sending demons to scare and eliminate them. But they held their ground, even if it was hard sometimes, especially for Cole. She kept recovering memories, still by killing these demons. One of them was of her escape from the Fade. She was running toward the rift with the Divine right behind her. But she got caught, she got caught by these creatures sent by the Nightmare. At the end of the vision, the Divine was there in front of her.

“It was you. They thought it was Andraste sending me from the Fade, but it was the Divine behind me. And then you. She died...”  
“Yes. I'm sorry if I disappoint you.” The Divine then turned into a glowing spirit. The beautiful golden light emanating from her was magnificent, especially there in the darkest place of the Fade.  
“Are you a memory of the Divine, a reflection?” — “If that is the story you wish to tell, it is not a bad one.” Deep down, Lothiriel wished it was at least a small piece of the Divine's soul, but she knew it wasn't possible.

“What we do know is that the mortal Divine perished at the Temple, thanks to the Grey Wardens.” She closed her eyes when she heard Hawke say this, exhausted. She knew damn well where this was going. “As I said, the Grey wardens responsible for that crime were under the control of Corypheus!” Annnd she couldn't blame Stroud for defending himself.

“Again, we can discuss this once we return to Adamant!” She was becoming more and more impatient with the both of them. Escaping was more important that this quarrel.

“Oh yes, Adamant! Where the Inquisition faces an army of demons raised by the Wardens!”  
“How dare you judge us?! You tore Kirkwall apart and started the mage rebellion!” — “To protect innocent mages, not madmen drunk on blood magic! Even without the influence of Corypheus, the Wardens go too far, they need to be checked.”  
“Agreed. The Wardens may once have served a greater good, but they are far too dangerous now.” Oh no, not you too Solas.

“SERIOUSLY, ALL OF YOU, SHUT UP.” They all looked at her with big surprised eyes and listened to her and stopped talking. But at the same moment, spiders sent by the Nightmare arrived.

“The Nightmare has found us. Let's follow the Divine. She's our key to get out of here.”

***

“Come on quick, let's get to the rift!” But they were too late. A horrid monster was blocking their way. “We need to clear a path.”

“Go, I'll cover you.” She turned to Hawke to protest. That wasn't an option.  
“No. You were right. The Grey Wardens caused this. A Warden must-” — “A Warden must help them rebuild! That's your job!”

“STOP IT YOU TWO.” All this fighting, even now. There wasn't enough time for her to think. And they were right. One of them had to stay behind to cover the rest while they escaped. But that could only lead to death. Whoever she chose to stay would never come back. The two of them were ready to sacrifice themselves. But which one was she ready to let go?

“Stroud.” Her voice was shaking. She couldn't chose Hawke. She couldn't do that to Varric.

“Inquisitor, it has been an honor.” She bowed her head in recognition of his bravery and in thanks. “I will always remember you, Jean-Marc Stroud.”

And they all ran to the rift for their lives while he ran to the Beast to his death. She heard him dedicate his final battle to the Wardens, to this cause he defended until the end. It had been the hardest choice she ever had to make as the Inquisitor, but she couldn't cry. Not now. The fight was far from over. They would land in Adamant Fortress during battle. Now was not the time to cry. Now was the time to end the Wardens' suffering, to free them and to avenge Stroud.


	23. Coming back to life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After returning from the Fade, Lothiriel ends the battle at Adamant and enjoys some... quiet post-battle time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapters begins with a bit of Cullen's POV. :) Enjoy!

“Inquisitor!” He had managed to get through the hordes of demons to reach the hall of the fortress and help her with a group of soldiers. But she was nowhere to be seen, even though the rift she was supposed to close was right here. Even weirder, the wardens here were fighting alongside the Inquisition. And with that freaking dragon now flying away, all he had was a bad feeling. Not far from him, in a hidden corner, he saw Cassandra talking loudly with some others who were supposed to be accompanying Lothiriel. He swiftly ran to them and immediately sensed that something was wrong, that this bad feeling had every right to be.

“Where is she?! Where is the Inquisitor?” They all looked at him as if they were afraid to tell, even Cassandra. “Don't make me ask again.”

“She fell.” Varric was the one to answer, pointing at the fallen bridge at the same time. “Now isn't a time to tease me, dwarf.” But by the look on everyone's face, it didn't look like he lied for once.

“Cole, Solas, Stroud and Hawke fell too.” He didn't say anything and just walked to the edge and stood above the precipice. His breathing was getting louder, mimicking the rise of his rage. It couldn't be real. She outlived so much since the beginning, she dying here couldn't be real. His heart grew so heavy he thought he would fall after her because of the weight. After a moment of heavy silence, he finally spoke, his voice deep, trembling and cold.

“What are you here for?... YOU were supposed to look after her.” The already fragile wall fell after he punched it to avoid hitting one of them. “You had _one_ mission. All that was asked from you was to look after her, and you _miserably_ failed.”

“Cullen, listen-” — “Lothiriel fell and you ask me to _listen_? Had I not come here, would I even know about it? It didn't cross your mind that it would be a great idea to send word?” His pain was so great that he couldn't think straight anymore. He even used her first name in front of everyone, instead of her title; something he had never done before. Demons were still pouring out of that rift but he didn't care. He needed someone to blame, and these incompetent fools were all he had at his disposal.

“I don't think she died.” Cullen moved until he was only inches away from Dorian. “Do you care to explain to me how she could have survived such a fall? Have you even seen how deep it is?”

“We saw her open a rift with her hand. They all fell through it. I think they are in the Fade.” He wished that news comforted him. It did not. No one had entered the Fade and survived. She had done it once, how could she survive it twice? But he forced himself to believe that both Andraste and the Maker were looking after her, as well as her Gods. He had gone through the idea of loosing her once after they fled Haven, he didn't have the strength to go through it again. Not after he decided that he would do everything to give them a chance, to make _them_ possible. Not after he admitted to himself that he more than cared about her.

“Why didn't you tell me that sooner?” — “You did say that you didn't want to listen to us.” That Vivienne and her mouth. She was exactly the kind of mage he hated. He tried to calm himself down. He was the Commander of the Inquisition, he couldn't let his personal feelings cloud his judgement and alter his commanding abilities. He was mad, that he was, but the fight was far from over.

“The battle is still raging. We must find a way to stop these demons from coming out of this rift, and pray that the Inquisitor is still alive somewhere and trying to find a way back to us.” A way back to him.

***

Prepared for the fall this time, she made a clean landing on the cold stone floor. A quick look was enough for her to understand that she was in the right place, that they had taken the right rift. That spirit who impersonated the Divine had truly been on their side after all.

Still mourning her decision to leave Stroud behind, and angry because she had failed at protecting everyone, she rose on her feet and immediately proceeded to close the rift. She put all of her anger in her hand and destroyed all demons at once. It usually took her more time to close rifts that were smaller than this one, but she was so enraged that a single attempt was enough.

As soon as she was done, Hawke came to talk to her in a low voice.

“She was right. Without the Nightmare to control them, the mages are free and Corypheus looses his demon army. Though as far as they're all concerned, the Inquisitor broke the spell with the blessing of Andraste.”

“They came out of this alive. They can tell whatever stories they like, I doubt it would change anything for me now.” — “I suppose you're right.”

They were cut by Cullen who was approaching and looking at her with a million stars in his eyes. Seeing this look probably was the reason why Hawke decided to leave them alone. But because they were far from being in a private place, he could only stay professional. His loving look was already too much. Too much to show in public, but also too much for her. She could survive the Fade, but could she survive those eyes?

“Inquisitor... The Archdemon flew off as soon as you disappeared.” His voice cracked at the last word, but he went on. “The Venatori Magister, Erimond, he's unconscious but alive. I thought you might wish to deal with him yourself.”

“Thank you. You thought well, Commander.” He cleared his throat and finished his report.

“As for the Wardens, those who weren't corrupted helped us fight the demons.”

As if to prove that everyone was looking and listening to them, a Warden moved forward and saluted her.

“We stand ready to help make up for Clarel's tragic mistake. But... May I ask where Stroud is, Inquisitor?” She clenched her fist and looked down. It was her decision. She had to accept it, no matter how hard it was.

“Warden Stroud died, striking a blow against a servant of the Blight. We will honor his sacrifice, and remember how he exemplified the ideals of the Grey Wardens, even as Corypheus and his servants tried to destroy you all from within.” She had trouble getting those words out, but she knew they were necessary. She promised she would remember him, and she would make sure that everyone else would too.

“But... Inquisitor... We have no one left of any significant rank.” She closed her eyes. There wasn't many options left for them then. They either paid for their crimes and left Orlais, or helped the Inquisition while rebuilding themselves.

“Stay and help however you can. Stroud died for the ideals of the Wardens. _In war, victory_. And we are still at war. Even after all of this, I believe in you enough to give you a chance. But do you believe in yourselves?”

“I do, your Worship.”

“Good. Because there are plenty of demons that need killing.”

“Thank you, your Worship. We will not fail you.”

Hawke made her a sign to ask her to join him. She left the Commander's side, not without regret, and went to check if anything was wrong.

“Good luck Inquisitor. It's been an honor.”

“You're leaving?”

“I better go to Weisshaupt, warn them.” She nodded, understanding completely how this mission was crucial. “Take care of yourself and Varric for me.”

“I will. Farewell Hawke.” Though their relationship was more than unconventional, she had to admit that she would miss him. In the end, with all of these adventures, he had become a truly good friend.

***

She was offered a room in Adamant to rest before they left for Skyhold in the morning, but she refused. She felt safer in her tent in the field with the Inquisition than stuck between the cold walls of Adamant, where blood had been spilled and lives taken. But even there, she couldn't find her sleep. Memories of the battle and of her journey in the Fade kept rushing back to her, waking her up every time she dozed off.

She finally decided to put on her coat and go for a walk. The men were taking turns to guard the camp so it was always alive, no matter what time of the night it was. She greeted the soldiers she met, congratulated them, and shared a word or two. They had all fought like lions, being grateful to them was the minimum.

She learned from one of the soldiers that the Commander too was awake and wandering about. She acted like she didn't care, but her eyes were now looking for him. And there he was. Standing tall near a very small pond hidden in the dark, his thoughts lost in the beauty of the night sky.

“Troubles sleeping?” Still gazing at the stars, he gently smiled and admitted she was right.

“A lot has happened today. You gave me quite a scare, Inquisitor.”

“I'm sorry. I wasn't fast enough to reach the edge and the only idea that came to my mind was to open a rift.”

“Don't apologize. It was the only way for you to live. It was either the ground or the Fade. You're alive now... So I do believe that you made the right choice. It's just...” He finally looked at her with the same look from before, that look he had given her in Adamant Fortress right after she had come back.

“When I arrived in the Hall, you weren't there. I was just told that you had fallen, not where exactly. I thought I lost you. _Again_. The thought of it was unbearable.”

“Cullen...” She took his hand in hers and tightened her grip to show him that she was right here, not only alive but well also. This look... She couldn't resist. It was so soft, so caring and intense at the same time. She put her free hand on his cheek and made a shy little step toward him. Their breathing was so loud it was all they could hear now. He was the one who closed the remaining distance between them. Her heart had never beaten that fast before.

“Lothiriel, I-”

“Commander!” They both shut their eyes and for a second, he considered staying hidden and let the soldier pass, but reason got the best of him. They finally let go of one another, their hearts full of regrets.

“You should go. He wouldn't ask for you at this hour if it wasn't important.” He sighed.

“I know... It will probably take quite some time, you should go and rest. Have a good night, Lothiriel. I'll see you tomorrow...”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the real kiss will be there soon... haahaha


	24. Mala suledin nadas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Right after returning to Skyhold, Cullen confesses about his lyrium withdrawal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title translation: “now you must endure”

They were finally back in Skyhold after their journey to Adamant. It is said that there is never a small victory... But there could be big ones, and this one in particular was enormous.

Lothiriel was just leaving Leliana's 'office' after a meeting during which they discussed what they should do next. When she had been sent to the future with Dorian, she had been told about a demon army invading the South – _that_ they took care of – but also about the assassination of Empress Celene.

She learned from Leliana it was highly possible that Corypheus would use the conflict between the Empress and her cousin, the Grand Duke Gaspard, to attempt an attack. Josephine had somewhat managed to get them all invitations for the ball in Halamshiral, which meant that her next big mission for the Inquisition would involve more politics than she was used to. This event put her more under stress than going into battle.

Way too lost in her thoughts, she had let her feet lead her around Skyhold without paying attention. And they had led her straight to a special place, or more exactly to a special someone. When she noticed where she was, she was almost at his door. She desperately wanted to go in but she had absolutely nothing to say. Maybe she could talk about what she had just discussed with Leliana?

Taking a deep breath in, she knocked three times and only entered after she heard him inviting her in. She quietly closed the door behind her, as if she was afraid of someone seeing her here, even though she had nothing to hide. To the world, it only looked like the Inquisitor was paying a visit to the Commander of the Inquisition, nothing weird there. It was more than that only to her. _And maybe to him_ , she dared hope.

He seemed focused on something on his desk that looked like a box. Whatever was inside, it was significant enough for him to frown even more than usual. Because she didn't know if she was supposed to disturb him or not in his sort of contemplation, she stayed quiet in front of his desk, waiting for him to speak first.

“As leader of the Inquisition, you...” He sighed. She was first surprised that he knew it was her before he even looked up but now, she was more worried about what he had to say. All of this was a little bit too formal to be normal.

“There's something I must tell you.” That she figured.

“Alright. Whatever it is, I'm willing to listen.” She tried to hide her concern but failed as her voice betrayed her, as always when she was with him.

“Right. Thank you. As you already know, lyrium grants templars our abilities, but it controls us as well. Those cut off suffer – some go mad, others die. We have secured a reliable source of lyrium for the templars here. But I... I no longer take it.”

“You stopped?!”

“Yes. When I joined the Inquisition. It's been months now.” No wonder he looked more tired everyday. He must have been in great pain all this time. She moved around the desk and sat on its edge, right by his side.

“Cullen, if this can kill you...” Him dying in a battlefield as a hero would already bring her a lot of pain, but him dying because of lyrium would only destroy her.

“It hasn't yet.” _Yet_. “After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn't... I will not be bound to the Order – or that life – any longer. Whatever the suffering, I accept it.” She could see in his eyes his determination to endure it, to fight the urge of taking lyrium, no matter the costs. And she respected it. This courage he was displaying only strengthen her feelings for the man.

“But I will not put the Inquisition at risk. I have asked Cassandra to... watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty.” _WHAT_. She couldn't imagine anyone else as Commander of the Inquisition. But if he had taken this precaution, then it meant that the possibility it could take over him was real. That he suffered greatly from this withdrawal.

“Are you in pain?”

“I can endure it.” That wasn't what she asked. But obviously, she wouldn't get a clear answer to this question. The way he had phrased it was enough for her to understand that he was, however, in pain.

“Thank you. For telling me. And... I trust Cassandra to do the right thing, if the time ever comes.” She looked down, saddened by the idea of him being in pain for so long. Maybe he was at the moment, maybe that was the reason why he decided to tell her about it now.

“I respect what you're doing, Cullen.” She wondered if she would have been able to do the same thing. Yes, she was supposed to vanquish Corypheus and she had this mark on her hand but she wasn't alone in this fight. Cullen, on the other hand, was battling against himself, and being surrounded by people didn't change anything. She believed fighting against yourself, against what you craved, was the hardest fight one could experience.

“Thank you. Your support... It means a lot.”

“Should you need anything, you know how to find me. I'll leave you to rest. Or work. Whatever you prefer.” Gathering her courage, she put a soft kiss on his forehead where a vein was showing up, and quickly left the office to hide her embarrassment.

 


	25. Checkmate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something very rare is about to happen in Skyhold: Lothiriel's going to play chess and Cullen's having fun.

A huge smile was stuck on her face. She wasn't even playing and yet, she was having a lot of fun. Leaned against one of the stone poles of the arbor in the patio, she was watching Cullen and Dorian play chess. They both seemed good, but the Commander was definitely better: she didn't know a thing about chess but it was obvious that Dorian was cheating and yet, the game was still on. Had he sucked at chess or been a regular player, he would have lost a long time ago facing Dorian's multiple schemes.

“That piece wasn't there a moment ago...”

“Such accusations! Are you afraid of my immense talent?”

“Gloat all you like... I have this one.”

“Are you sassing me Commander? I didn't know you had it in you...”

“Why do I even-” She had tried to stay discreet until now to avoid disturbing their game but this was too much. Her laugh resonated under the arbor and they both turned their surprised faces to look at her.

“Inquisitor!” Cullen immediately got up to greet her but was stopped midway by Dorian.

“Leaving, are you? Does this mean I win?” Nothing more was needed for the Commander to sit back again and coldly stare at the mage.

“I hope you two are playing nice.”, she said while looking directly at the cheater.

“Of course... I'm _always_ nice. Commander, you need to come to terms with my inevitable victory. You'll feel much better, you'll see.”

“Really? Because I just won... and I feel fine.” His arrogant smirk was both funny and sexy, and she was pretty sure she wasn't the only one here thinking this. She sent an _“oh-my-gods”_ look to Dorian who (normally) was the only one aware of the _thing_ between the Commander and herself, since that kiss they shared in the hypothetical future.

“Don't get smug... There will be no living with you...” He got up and walked past her with a face that showed how much he had truly believed in his possible victory.

“Maybe next time, Dorian”, she said half laughing.

 

“Well... I should return to my duties as well. Unless... you would care for a game?” She had played this game maybe only once or twice in her life but she took a sit anyway.

“Prepare the board, Commander. But you should know that this game doesn't exist where I come from...”

“I'll teach you then.” He took ten minutes to explain all the rules, and even a few easy tactics that could help her. As any good student, she listened carefully and tried to memorize it all, though she knew she sometimes would have to ask him a thing or two during the game. They were placing the chess pieces on the board when she wondered if she should imitate Dorian and cheat. She quickly gave up on the idea though. He had managed to beat a good player cheating so he would only see right through her. It would be too much hassle for nothing.

“As a child, I played with my sister. She would get this stuck-up grin whenever she won – which was all the time...” Stuck-up grin? Did he mean like she one he shot Dorian a few minutes before?

“My brother and I practiced together for weeks. The look on her face the day I finally won...” Those seemed like good memories. She wondered how they looked like, his brother and sister.

“Between serving with the templars and the Inquisition, I haven't seen them in years... I wonder if she still plays.”

“Maybe you'll have some time to check if you can still win against her after all of this is over. Take some vacation?” He smiled back at her, probably surprised by her confidence about how it would end.

“Anyways. I didn't know you had siblings.”

“Two sisters and a brother...” The way he said it, it seemed like they were quite a handful.

“What are their names?”

“The eldest is named Mia. Then there's Branson and Rosalie. I'm the second eldest.”

“I'm guessing Mia was the one always beating you at chess.”

“You guessed well.”

“And where are they now?” The flood of questions amused him. She was as curious as always. “They moved to South Reach after the Blight. I do not write them as often as I should.”

“Do you regret it?”

“A little. Well... It's my turn.”

“It is. Let's see what you've got. I'm pretty sure you're about to relive those childhood defeats...” Upon those silly words coming from the most unexperienced player ever, they exchanged knowing smiles and started playing more seriously.

“What about you? Do you have any brother and sister?” She should have guessed that he would ask the same question. She had no desire to talk about this event, to remember what had happened almost 5 years ago.

“I had one.”

“Had? What do- Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-”

“It's alright. I don't like talking about what happened but I do like to talk about her.” He relaxed, relieved that she didn't mind him asking.

“I understand. Then... what was she like?”

“Her name was Aurae. Physically, she was a lot like me. She was four years older but people would always mistake us for non-identical twins.” She paused and tried to remember her face in detail, but it was all blurry. Time had taken its toll on her memory. It was the same with her parents' faces.

“Even though we looked alike, she was more beautiful though. We never met anyone who didn't instantly fall in love with her beauty. And because she was so caring, serene, clever, funny – I could go one for hours – all the young men in the Clan wanted to... How do you say it? Marry her? She obviously married the best hunter in the Clan. Needless to say they formed the most perfect couple ever.” He laughed.

“She seemed to be more than a good person.”

“You don't say. I wasn't a bad kid, but I craved for freedom. Living with the Clan is fun, except that you're not really allowed to... walk too far from the camp, for obvious reasons. But I loved discovering too much, I would always wander in places I wasn't supposed to visit. Of course, she didn't agree with my little trips _at all_ but at the end of the day, she would cover for me. She was a good sister.”

Lothiriel often thought that Falon'Din had claimed the wrong one. Had she died and not her, Valyrhis would still have a mother and the clan wouldn't have lost a valuable member. She had always done everything she could to help the Clan, but she also always felt like it wasn't as much as Aurae would have done.

“Don't.” She looked up, not sure what he meant by that. “Don't compare yourself to your sister, no matter how great she was. Look at everything you've accomplished until now. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you.”

He wished he could tell her she was the most beautiful and caring to his eyes, but it would sound stupid since he had never seen her sister. Whatever he said would be totally biased. Sensing she wasn't ready to talk more about her family, he moved a chess piece and changed the subject.

***

During the game, she surprised herself gazing at him many times. It was so refreshing seeing him talking lightly, smiling and laughing, taking some time off his duties. He probably didn't feel any pain from his withdrawal either. She was glad that he took the day to rest. Knowing him, he could have used the absence of pain as an excuse to work even more than usual.

“This may be the longest we've gone without discussing the Inquisition! Or related matters...” His voice startled her and brought her back to reality. Indeed it was. They had only talked about his family and the way she used to live with her clan, as well as telling some of their funny adventures. Surprisingly, he was very curious about her past life.

“That's right. Then why are you bringing it up now?”, she said with a teasing smile. He only answered with a fake nasty glare.

“To be honest... I appreciate the distraction.” His tone was casual, but it was too golden for her not to bounce on it.

“We... We should spend more time together.” As soon as she said it, she felt her cheeks and ears burn from embarrassment. He looked shock for a moment, unable to even pronounce a syllable. But when he did, he did not help her regain her natural colors.

“I would like that.” It was her turn. She took a random piece, placed it somewhere just as random, and quickly answered. “Me too.”

It was already too late when she realized what she had done. Of course _“she too”_ , she was the one who emitted the idea in the first place. She looked down on the board and closed her eyes, thinking fast to find any way to punish herself for her stupidity. If she could bang her head repeatedly against the wall, she would.

“You said that...” His voice was soft and gentle. She looked up and instantly lost herself in his eyes again. She had known for quite some time, she had felt it more than ever after Adamant but right at this moment, no one could say it wasn't real. She hadn't dreamt anything, it was all real. Those million stars in his eyes, she saw them even more clearly now, as clearly as when the night sky is dark and clear and the stars bright and shining.

“We should... finish our game. Right. My turn?” It was actually hers but she didn't say anything, still processing what had just happened between them. This moment of deep connection was one she would never forget, no matter what the future had in store for them.

***

This time, they played in silence but it never got awkward, as if they understood each other even without talking. They only exchanged when she would forget about the moves a piece could make, but nothing more. They just enjoyed the game - or should she say the gameS as they started another one after finishing the first - and the sound of the wind caressing the plants around them.

“I believe this one is yours. Well played. We shall have to try again sometime.”

It was already sunset when they finished playing. She wanted to tell him she knew he had been kind to her but she kept it to herself instead. Dorian was a much better player than she was – that wasn't difficult since she was a beginner – and yet, he had easily beaten him even though he had been cheating. She had played fair and square, as rubbish as her level was, and yet she was supposed to believe that she had miraculously won? But she had to admit that it had been really nice of him to step down his game and play at her level, allowing her a chance to win instead of crushing her with less than three moves.

“Be careful. I do intend to become even stronger than your sister.” His laugh was as enchanting as always.

“I can only wish for you to succeed.”

She was about to answer when they were cut by Leliana. It wasn't the first time she interrupted them... She had also surprised them together in Lothiriel's room the other day, when she had treated Cullen's hand. Was it always by accident, because she had a secret talent to arrive at the worst moment or did she just know there was something and was doing this on purpose?

“I'm sorry to interrupt, but I once again have news from your clan.” The sensation of déjà vu only intensified. And just as the time before, she couldn't blame Leliana for interrupting them when it involved her loved ones.

“Is it good news?”

“It was a success, Inquisitor. But it's not over. Here's the letter your Keeper sent us.”

According to the letter, the Duke was now dead – she had never been so happy about the death of someone before – and the human merchants of the city had formed a group to rule while they were all looking for a new way to govern the city, now that the nobles had fled. Even though the merchants treated all the elves fairly, wether they were Dalish or from the city, there was still danger: the nobles had been telling lies to the other cities of the Free Marches, which meant there would probably be retaliation.

“If those cities do walk on Wycome, they'll all die!” Honest, Leliana nodded. Seeing how shocked and desperate Lothiriel was, Cullen quickly intervened.

“Then there's only one thing we can do. Let's send a few contingents of soldiers there. We have no upcoming battle, sending some of our men wouldn't cost a thing. Our forces could dissuade the cities from attacking at best, and defend Wycome at worst. Your Clan has gone through a lot already, let's end this once and for all.”

He was right. Since the beginning of all of this, she had only used peaceful means to solve any problem her clan had encountered and every time, the problem had gotten bigger afterwards. Using diplomacy again would be a loss of time. They had to act, they had to strike now, and hard.

“You're right. I'm fed up with all of this, they deserve some peace. I'll let you decide how many men are necessary. Night is already falling so our troops will leave early tomorrow morning.”

“Of course Inquisitor.” Both Leliana and Cullen left her to arrange what they had decided. She sat back in the chair and closed her eyes to pray.

 _Mythal, ama zir'ala ga sathan*_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Mythal, ama zir'ala ga sathan = Mythal, please protect them all.


	26. Lethal saron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Handing down some judgements and family reunion. Also, Lothiriel's turning 25.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title translation: “family reunion”  
> Cullen's POV at the end :)

 “Lara, I said _'take the day off'_.”

“But, your Worship, I can't! Lady Cassandra said-”

“I don't care what she said. You are in _my_ service and I've decided that you wouldn't work today.”

“But-”

“Stop arguing. Take a walk in the gardens, read, take a bath, sleep, do whatever you like but work. Since we've met, I've never seen you rest. So now, I'm ordering you to. Is it clear?”

“Ye-Yes your Worship. Thank you, your Worship.”

The poor girl probably didn't know what to do with so much free time on her hands. Her entire life must have revolved around work. They didn't talk a lot, as much as she tried to initiate conversations, so she didn't know anything about her but she still cared. She wanted her to learn how to enjoy life. She was one of the few Inquisition's slaves, _that_ she couldn't do much about it, but as long as she would work directly for her, she would treat her as best she could.

Now alone, she undertook to make her bed and tidy up her room a bit. Not that it was messy or dusty – Lara did an amazing job at keeping it clean – but she felt like if the room was in a perfect state tomorrow morning when the elf would come again to work, then she would take days off more easily.

She was putting some order in her bookcases – she was reading some many books to learn more about everything she didn't know about Thedas – when someone knocked on the door.

“Come in.” It was one of Cullen's soldiers. She was used to getting messages delivered by Leliana's scouts but Cullen's?

“Your Worship, I have a package for you.”

“A package? That's a first. Alright. Um... Just put it on my desk please, I'll look into it later. Thank you.” He did as she told and left the room, embarrassed to be in the Inquisitor's private chambers. After that, she lost herself in the cleaning of her room again. She even reorganized her clothes drawers and her trunks.

Once she was done, she thought she would go check on the room she had asked Josephine to prepare but she changed her mind when she noticed the time. She had been so focused on what she was doing that she had completely forgotten about the judgements.

As Inquisitor, she was apparently supposed to pass judgements, and she had a series to take care of today. It would be her first time ever doing anything like this, she didn't quite know how she should act during the trials. Not knowing brought her a little bit of stress, but nothing she couldn't bear. No matter how she handled it, as long as she stayed fair and true to herself, it could only be alright. Or so said Josephine...

She was about to get out of her room when she remembered the package on her desk. She looked at the time again, trying to decide if she had time to open it now or if she should leave it for later. The soldier didn't say it was urgent, but she was so curious. She still had a few minutes, and she only had to run down the stairs to reach the hall...

She went back to her desk, cut the cord that was holding the paper and revealed a plain wooden box. She carefully opened it and found a simple yet beautiful poniard she immediately recognized. It was the one the Commander had lent her in Haven, right before she had left to meet Corypheus and cause an avalanche. She had given it back to him while they were in the mountains, after it had been broken by the Archdemon.

She unsheathed the dagger and found that it wasn't broken anymore. It had been repaired and given the exact same shape as before. There was a little note with it.

“ _Happy birthday, Lothiriel. May this protect you again in your adventures,_  
_I wish you the best,_  
_Commander Cullen”_

She couldn't erase the grin that was showing on her face. _I'm getting ridiculous_ , she thought as she wriggled like a teenage girl.

She wondered how he learned that it was her birthday though... She hadn't told anyone, not even Varric, Dorian or Josephine. The only one who knew was- Oh. Leliana. It had been quite clear that she suspected something between her and Cullen but giving away her birthdate to help things move forward was just hilarious.

And now she was really late. She excitedly sheathed the dagger back, slid it in her belt to take it with her, and ran to the hall.

 

“Forgive me, I'm late.”

“It's fine Inquisitor. Take a seat, we'll start as soon as you're ready.” She could always count on Josephine to be comprehensive.

She very rarely sat in this chair – or should she say throne? She didn't know – and being surrounded by two bodyguards felt... awkward. Once she was comfortable, she nodded to the Inquisition's ambassador so they could begin.

“I'm sure you recall Gereon Alexius of Tevinter. Ferelden has given him to us as an acknowledgement of your aid.” Josephine's enchanting voice resonated in the hall – which had never been so full before – while the accused walked towards them in shackles, surrounded and watched.

“Won't it be a problem with Tevinter to judge him ourselves?”

“Tevinter has disowned and stripped him of his rank. You may judge the former magister as you see fit. The formal charges are apostasy, attempted enslavement, and attempted assassination – on your own life, no less.”

“Remind me, _Alexius_ , what's the precedent for nearly ripping apart time at the seams?”

“I couldn't save my son... Do you think my fate matters to me?” He didn't add anything more, which seemed to surprise Josephine.

“Will you offer nothing more in your defense?”, she asked.

“You've won nothing. The people you saved, the acclaim you've gathered – you'll lose it all in the storm to come. Render your judgement, _Inquisitor_.”

Had it only been about her, she would have cut his head off and thrown it to the vultures. But upon reflection, it would be too easy for him. Death was all he wanted. And it wouldn't be the best decision for the Inquisition. She had to find a way to make him suffer without killing him. She looked up and met Grand Enchanter Fiona's eyes. Oh yes... _that_ would be perfect.

“You've done the impossible with your magic, Alexius. The Inquisition could use people like you. You'll research on all things magical for us, under the mages supervision, mages that you will serve until you die. You once swore that you would help them... I will have you uphold that promise. Moreover, any knowledge, favor or even coin you own will go towards the mages' future. That is your sentence, Gereon Alexius of Tevinter.”

“A headsman would have been kinder.” _I know. That's why I won't let you die._ He quietly left the hall and was replaced by another man she wished she could kill.

“I now submit Lord Livius Erimond of Vyrantium, your Worship. He remains loyal to Corypheus. We found him alive, offering _extreme_ resistance, likely because the Order will ask for his head. In more colorful terms. To say nothing of justice you might personally require for what was suffered in the Fade.”

“I'm really struggling to understand how judging you can make up for anything that happened.” Stroud would never come back, wether she decided to imprison him or even to kill him. She felt like this judgement was utterly useless.

“I recognize none of this proceeding! You have no authority to judge me.” There was now a hubbub in the hall and she had to intervene and ask everyone to calm down, even though she shared their shock.

“On the contrary, many officials have communicated that they will defer to the Inquisition on this matter.”

“That's because they _fear_. Not just Corypheus, but Tevinter, rightful ruler of every piece of ground you've trod in your pathetic life. I served a living God. Bring down your blade and free me from the physical. _Glory_ awaits m-”

The noise made by her hand on his now burning cheek resonated in the entire hall, leaving everyone present in awe.

“In your dreams, _len'alas lath'din_ *. There is a group you have wronged more than any.” She went back to her seat but didn't sit and looked at him from above.

“Lord Livius Erimond of Vyrantium, the Wardens can have you. Let them take your head, let them torture you from your hair to your toes if they want it, I do not care. Leave my sight.”

He laughed all the way until he was out, and the urge to throw up right here, right now, was strong. The only thing this man brought her was disgust.

She then proceeded to the third and last judgement of the day. They had managed to catch the Mayor of Crestwood who was now judged for flooding Old Crestwood and therefore killing refugees and villagers who had been touched by the Blight ten years ago. This one was a difficult case. He had committed something terrible and had to be punished... but at the time, he had truly believed that he had been doing the right thing to save the other villagers. After some reflexion, she finally decided that he would work for the Grey Wardens, and fight darkspawn until he would be taken by the Calling. The Blight had been his undoing. It would be his redemption.

Once it was all over, she felt like she had been seated for hours and hours. When she got up, the hall was already half empty. The Commander was waiting for her not far, smiling, and proud as a peacock. She didn't know if she had taken the right decisions, but it looked like he believed in her anyway. She was almost at his side when she saw _them_ , standing shy in a corner. She didn't even excused herself and ran to meet them, tears already welling up in her eyes.

***

He couldn't tell if he would have taken the same decisions had he been at her place, but he was proud of her nonetheless. Judging people, without letting personal feelings interfere, was a hard thing to do and she had done brilliantly. She did indulge herself a strong slap on that disgusting Erimond, but even after that, her sentence was as impartial as it could be.

It was now over and seeing her walking toward him, smiling and triumphant warmed his heart. And she had gotten his gift too. It used to be the most ordinary dagger when he was wearing it but now that it was hanging at her side, it looked like a a precious jewel, complimenting her hips perfectly.

He took a step forward to close the distance between them and whisper a “happy birthday” in her ear but he stopped when he noticed that she wasn't looking at him anymore. Something else had drawn her attention, or more specifically someone else. She was now running toward the corner of the hall, and running to her was a little girl. They were both crying.

Was this child the family she was waiting for, the one she had a room prepared for? He couldn't see well from where he stood, but they looked a lot alike. The only difference he noticed for now were their eyes: the kid had noticeably green eyes. If he didn't know better, he would say she was her little sister. But she couldn't be since the only sister she ever had was dead.

There was also a young elf accompanying the little girl. He was tall, with a slender figure. His dark hair contrasted with his very pale face and... green eyes. Though he was trying to hide it, he looked just as emotional as Lothiriel and the child who were now locked in a tight embrace. In a very protective gesture, he put his arms around both of them and hugged them as if his life depended on it. Viewed from where he was standing, it looked like...

“Is this young man the Inquisitor's husband? I didn't know she had a child! This is tremendous news!” The people who were still in the room – especially the nobles – were already gossiping. This couldn't be the truth, being a mother is a big deal, surely she would have told him. And a husband? He hadn't dreamt all of these moments together, it had been real. He had felt it. Had he been imagining things from the very beginning? But that kiss on his forehead the other day... was that something you could do to someone you'd considerer a friend?

He didn't want to but he doubted anyway. They looked so much like husband and wife. And the presence of a child wasn't helping. Moreover, she only asked for a single room to be prepared, not two. At this moment, he highly regretted not reading Leliana's report on her life. He would have known then.

He lost it when he saw the elf kiss Lothiriel's forehead, just as she had done with him. He knew that if they really were her family, then he should be happy for them to be reunited at last but he couldn't. He wasn't a good person enough. This overwhelming jealousy growing with each passing second was rageously eating him from the inside.

Not able to watch this moment of glee anymore and listen to the gossips around him, he swiftly left the hall to go hide in his office. He couldn't take it anymore. Between Dorian (before he knew he wasn't heterosexual), Hawke and now this elf, he was loosing it. This woman was driving him crazy, and they weren't even together. He had to find a way to stop being like this, to stop this jealousy from killing him, but he didn't know how. It was so strong, he didn't know how to fight it.

As soon as he put a foot in his office, he undertook to take his armor off. All of these emotions were making him hot and he was burning under it. He didn't even bother to put it on its stand and just left it on the floor. He had to calm down. He had no right to be so angry at her. He was the one at fault here for believing in something that could never happen. He kept saying this to himself but nothing worked. No matter how he put it, in the end, he was still feeling betrayed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *len'alas lath'din = dirty child no one loves (common insult)


	27. Ar judhava ma la'var telea mah'vir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please look at the title translation *_*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title translation: I'll kiss you like there's no tomorrow (yes you read that right)

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't let go. She had missed her so much, having her in her arms felt like a dream. She could hear people gossiping around them but she didn't care. If they wanted to gossip, then she'd let them gossip.

“Lothiriel, I can't breathe...” Her little pouty voice was still so cute.

“I'm so sorry Valyhris, forgive me. It's just that I have missed you so so much...” The little girl still in her arms, she turned to Athlen. “I missed you too of course, just not as much.”

“Careful what you say...”

They left the hall only after their emotions had calmed down. She showed Athlen his room – and discovered it at the same time since she had let Josephine do all the decorating work – and told Valyhris she would sleep with her, making the little girl very happy. Athlen couldn't believe his eyes when he saw how big the room was when it was only for himself. As Dalish elves, they were more used to sharing aravels and having minimum privacy. When they got back downstairs, they were welcomed by Josephine and Leliana who spoke first.

“Welcome to Skyhold.” Both nodded, probably intimidated by all of this, especially the kid.

“I suppose you were showed to your room. I hope it fits your tastes. I tried to respect the Inquisitor's preferences when decorating, and kept it simple.”

He turned to face her with a look that said _'that room was simple?'_. She contained a laugh and thanked Josephine for everything she had done. They exchanged a few words while Valyhris stayed silent, mesmerized by the colors of the chief diplomat's clothes, before they were left alone again.

“There is one missing.”

“What is missing?”, Athlen asked.

“You mean who. There are three advisors. You met two. There is a third one. I will ask him if he would like to dine with us.” He nodded just as Valyhris yawned.

“Oh forgive me, da'lan. I was so excited to have you here, I didn't even let you rest after your travel. Let's put you to bed, you will take a bath after, alright? You, on the other hand, are definitely going to take your bath before.” She moved her nose around as if a terrible smell was tickling it.

“Just as authoritarian as you used to be...” She smirked and casually answered. “Shut up. You are not allowed to speak, smelling you is enough.”

***

Valyhris was finally asleep. It had been a little bit difficult because she was so excited but at only 5 years old, Lothiriel couldn't let her play around some more after such a long journey. She got out and warned the guard that the kid was still sleeping inside. On her way downstairs, she checked on Athlen who was also asleep and found amusing that he had _actually_ listened to her and taken a bath before going to bed.

After she closed his door, she didn't waste any time and quickly walked to the Commander's office. In all of Skyhold, he was the first name on the list of people she wanted to introduce. And she needed to apologize for leaving him so abruptly after she saw her niece and friend. She lightly knocked on the door, unaware of the storm that was waiting for her behind it.

The scene was not apocalyptic, but close. Not a single candle was lit, the only source of light was the sun through the unfixed roof. There were pieces of armor here and there on the floor, making it look like the room was messy. In front of her, the master of the place was turning his back, his hands on his desk, his breathing heavy.

“Cullen? Is everything alright?” He didn't answer right away, making her worry even more. “Cullen?”, she repeated.

He finally turned around to face her. She couldn't see well in the dark but he definitely wasn't well. He was frowning in anger, multiple veins were showing on his forehead, beating strongly. His jaw was very much contracted and he was holding the desk with so much force, she thought it would break in his hands.

He would have scared anyone in this state, but not her. She only worried. Closing the distance between them, she put a hand on his cheek to force him to look at her.

“Are you in pain? Is it because of the withdrawal?” No, it wasn't. From his eyes, she could tell his anger was aimed at her in particular.

“If you are angry because I walked past you earlier, then I'm sorry but I was in shock after seeing my family. I never meant to hurt your feelings.” The word ' _family_ ' seemed to trigger him.

“So it _is_ your family then.”

“Yes? Is this the problem here? Please, tell me what is wrong, you're worrying me, I don't understand.” He violently grabbed her by the wrist and interchanged their places so that she was now the one against the desk.

“Cullen, you're hurting me.”

“When were you going to tell me?” He had her completely lost.

“Tell you that I have a family? I don't know... You never asked.”

“You were waiting for me to ask if you were a mother?! That is not something you ask naturally in the middle of a regular conversation!” That was when it all made sense. Did he believe that Valyhris was her daughter? And if he thought that, then did he think Athlen was the father? Oh Gods, that was the biggest misunderstanding ever.

“Wait. Who do you think they are?”

“Your family, you said so yourself.”

“No- I know that, I meant specifically.”

“Your child and husband, it is kind of obvious.”

“But that is exactly where you are wrong. They are not.” Now he looked confused. Well, best that than angry. “The child you saw? She is my niece. And the man? My best friend, he is like a brother to me.”

There was a silence but she did nothing to disturb it, and let him process the news. His brain seemed to be working at the speed of light.

“You don't have a daughter?”

“I do not.”

“You are not married?”

“I am no-”

She didn't have time to finish her sentence. His lips were already on hers, claiming them as his. The shock nearly gave her a heart attack, but once she recovered from it, she willingly let her heart explode. It was so different from that time, in the future. His dry lips were now wet, his scrawny chest was now (very) muscular, and his passion was now way more devouring. It was so intense she didn't trust her legs to support her anymore. She had to grab him by his neck to stand still. Everything she had felt since the day they met rushed out. And she could feel it coming from him too. After all this time hanging around each other, they were finally taking the plunge. Was it worth the risk? They were both 100% sure it was.

He loosened his grip on her wrist and brought her even closer to him by pulling her by the waist. His hands traveled everywhere in her back and in her hair in an attempt to discover this new land. He wanted to know everything about her, and that included her magnificent body. How glad they both were that his armor was on the floor and not him.

He was just about to grab her by her thighs to sit her on his desk when there was a knock on the door. She didn't want to let go but any knock on the Commander's door could be important, and she needed the air anyway. She put her hands on the desk beside her to keep from falling – her legs were still shaking – and hid behind Cullen's large torso to avoid being recognized. The door opened right after, revealing a soldier.

“Commander! You wanted a copy of sister Leliana's report to be delivered immedia-”

His sentence hung in the air, as if he'd just noticed the situation. She had to bit her lower lip not to laugh when she imagined what he was seeing: no light, pieces of armor scattered all around the room, the Commander turning his back to him with a pair of female legs between his. However, she stopped biting her lip when she noticed how Cullen was looking at it, his eyes full of desire even though one of his men was just behind him.

“Are you blind or what?!”

“Ri-Right, Commander. La-La-Later then.” The poor guy was so afraid and embarrassed, he stuttered like a naked child covered in snow. She couldn't see but from what she heard, she was pretty sure he was running out of the room. As soon as the door closed, she let her laugh come out. No matter how embarrassing it had just been, they had to admit it was hilarious.

“Believe me or not, but it was the same soldier who interrupted in Adamant.”

“Are you joking? It makes it even funnier.”

“I might have to teach them to wait for me to invite them in _now_.” If he meant by that that this kind of moment would happen again and again then yes, he definitely had to do so.

“Or you could just lock the doors, using what we call a key.” He laughed, gently but briefly. Then out of the blue, he put his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, enjoying the sweet silence.

“That was...”

“...All I ever wanted”, she finished. He kissed her again, softly this time. It was a never-ending succession of small caring kisses, as if he never had enough.

“Will you forgive me? I was acting irrationally earlier. I heard someone in the hall emit the idea that he could be your husband and... I snapped.” She put a hand on his cheek and caressed it. Seeing him enjoy the touch was somehow comforting.

“Of course I forgive you.” It was quite flattering that he would become _that_ mad just for her.

"I apologize for that too..." He was rubbing her wrist in an attempt to ease any pain she could have been feeling. It was possible that she could get a bruise - he had been quite forceful - but it didn't hurt, and she was now used to worse. Bruises were her daily gifts. "It is already forgotten. Don't blame yourself." She had a feeling he would still beat himself up for this. She had to change the subject.

“You know, my family actually is the reason why I came in the first place, though what happened was way better than what I had planned on my way here.” Now that they had shared a _real_ kiss, his smile seemed even more enchanting.

“Tell me.”

“I wanted to know if you would care to join us for diner. They already met Josephine and Leliana, you were the only one missing.” She wanted to add _'even though you are the most important to my eyes'_ but she refrained as it would certainly be too cheesy.

“Valyhris is my niece, but my sister died before she was one so... I _technically_ don't have a daughter, but she is like one to me. I never talked about her to anyone in the Inquisition because... I guess I thought it would protect her from all that is happening? And... I missed her a lot. I think I would have cried my eyes out if I had mentioned her at any point.”

“You don't have to find any reason for me to join. I will gladly meet them.” What a relief. She didn't know why she had been so stressed about it.

“I will introduce you as the Commander of the Inquisition if you don't mind, and not as my-” She stopped right as she was about to say something very embarrassing.

“As your what?”

“...Nothing...” He didn't press, and put an understanding kiss on her forehead.

“I believe it is better that we keep it a secret for now anyways. All of Skyhold must already know about the mysterious woman in the Commander's office... I wouldn't be against saving what is left of my- _our_ private life.”

“Oh. I hadn't thought of that.”

“Trust me when I say that news travel fast in the barracks.” He looked so desperate saying this, she could only laugh.

“Now I'm curious, I must find out who that lady was.”

“Um... I wonder...” They shared another kiss, succumbing to this very addicting drug. As any new lovers, it was difficult for them to stop. But all good things must come to an end...

“I should leave... It's already late in the afternoon, and Valyh' must take a bath before we head for diner. I will see you in the hall in an hour?”

“I will be there waiting for you.” She waited for him to move to let her go but he didn't budge.

“Cullen, you are kind of blocking the way...” He sighed, knowing perfectly that he was. She quickly kissed him one last time and ran off to avoid being caught in another kiss or hug she wouldn't have been able to escape.

“Wait, Lothiriel!” Too weak, she turned around as she was about to close the door, letting only her head show through the opening.

“What is it?”

 

“Happy birthday.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY!  
> It was about DAMN time


	28. Back to work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doing some cleaning in the Exalted Plains and the Emerald Graves.

_Leliana,_

_If my investigation proves me right, then the reason behind the lack of information from the Exalted Plains is both very simple and frightening. Indeed, the region is infested with undead (it brings back memories from Crestwood and the Fallow Mire... They aren't good ones.)_

_We fought those that were threatening our men, but I believe Duke Gaspard's and Empress Celene's troops are suffering from the same strange invasion. It would explain their silence._

_According to Corporal Rosselin, the Duke's camps are the closest, so we'll start investigating there._

_I'll send you another report once I learn more,_

_Lothiriel_

_***_

_Leliana,_

_We were right. Both Ramparts occupied by the Duke's army were invaded by the undead._

_According to Solas, this was caused by the huge piles of dead bodies which attracted spirits and led to the rise of undead._

_Because magical barriers were blocking the way to the piles of corpses, regular soldiers couldn't take care of the problem._

_We broke through and burned the remains. Both Ramparts are now secure._

_The Pont Agur was destroyed during the war, denying us access to the Citadelle du Corbeau where the Empress's troops are supposedly stationed. May I ask you to do something about it?_

_Thank you,_

_Lothiriel_

_***_

_Leliana,_

_Please thank the Commander on my behalf for sending builders. We should be able to cross the river in a few days._

_[as usual, very bad drawing depicting the advancement of the construction]_

_Instead of just waiting, we decided to visit parts of the Exalted Plains we didn't know... And quite a lot has happened._

_A spirit Solas knows was summoned against its will... When we arrived, it was already corrupted. We tried to disrupt the summoning circle, but it was too late. If the spirit did regain its true form, it was too weak to live. Solas killed the mages responsible for this – which is good – but he left. We don't know where he is now, but I feel like we shouldn't worry. He lost a friend and he needs some time alone. I'm telling you all of this because there is a chance that he will come back to Skyhold any day soon, alone._

_Also, we met a Dalish clan struggling with a few issues. One of their young hunters wanted to join the Inquisition but the Keeper kept refusing to let him go. We helped them solve most of their problems, and he was finally authorized to leave the clan. He is now on his way to Skyhold. I was thinking it could be a good idea to introduce him to Athlen: I know how hard it can be to be so far from your clan at first; spending time with a dalish hunter just as he is might help him adjust._

_I will get back to you after we reach the Citadelle,_

_Lothiriel_

_***_

_Leliana,_

_The Citadelle du Corbeau was also overrun by undead. The Imperial army got trapped inside after they activated the fortress's defenses. Shutting them down freed the troops._

_We arrived just in time, one more day and they would have been out of water and food._

_You should now receive information from both sides again. Mission accomplished in the Exalted Plains._

_I received your letter, and will leave immediately for the Emerald Graves to meet with this “Fairbanks”. I will then come back to Skyhold._

_Lothiriel_

_***_

_Leliana,_

_Upon arriving, we had to kill a bear and her cubs because they were destroying our supplies. I know it was for the Inquisition's sake but still... I love bears. My heart is utterly broken._

_There is a group of deserters attacking everyone who isn't one of them. They call themselves the Freemen of the Dales. According to Fairbanks, they work with the Red Templars._

_He promised he would give us more information if we help him deal with them. I agreed to it: even if he doesn't have any valuable information, if they do work with the Red Templars, then eliminating them can only be a good thing._

_We were told about four captains commanding the Freemen. Let's cut the head, and see how the body reacts._

_Lothiriel_

_***_

_Leliana,_

_We already defeated two of the captains. It wasn't easy but nothing we couldn't handle._

_What is making our journey quite difficult though is the fact that the Emerald Graves aren't civilized at all. The woods are home to many creatures, including several giants and a freaking dragon. We do our best to avoid the giants – fighting them isn't necessary – but we did take care of the dragon._

_We're all a little bit injured, but we should be fine dealing with the two remaining captains._

_Lothiriel_

_***_

_Leliana,_

_It didn't take long for the Freemen to dissolve after we killed the last captain. They shouldn't be a threat anymore, and the Red Templars have lost one of their allies._

_We can also count Fairbanks as one of our agents._

_On our way back now,_

_Lothiriel_

She was about to put away her ink and quill when her eyes fell on the letters she had been collecting in the Emerald Graves. She had found several letters written by red lyrium smugglers. Analyzing them could lead to the primary mines providing for the Red Templars.

_Dear Cullen,_

_I found some leads concerning the main source of red lyrium. The letters I found were written by the smugglers themselves. Problem is: they use a coded language. I can't decipher it, but maybe you or one of our specialized agents could?_

_I attached them to this letter, so that you can start studying them before I arrive. I already copied them, just in case they get lost in one way or another._

_I will see you in a few days,_

_Lothiriel_

She wanted to say more, she wanted to tell how much she missed him and Valyhris (she would have knowingly left Athlen out), how much she wanted to write directly to him more often. But she couldn't. She knew Leliana read each and every letter coming in and out of Skyhold, no matter who they were from and for. The chances that she knew about them already were high but still, it didn't mean they didn't have to be discreet. She folded the letters, sealed them, and gave them to a messenger before joining the group by the campfire to play a well-deserved game of wicked grace.

 


	29. Back at last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lothiriel is back after her long trip. Valyhris will definitely stay with the Inquisition but what about Athlen? And will she finally have time for her Commander?

“The fights were a bit rough this time, he has a few injuries here and there but I don't think it's anything serious.” Of course, she was reprimanded by Master Dennett for being _'so careless with such a beautiful horse'._

After leaving the stables, her eyes immediately searched for Valyhris. She was tremendously tired after this long journey but seeing her pouty face seemed more important than resting. The only problem was that she had no idea where to find her, and Skyhold was way too big for a room by room search. She started asking people randomly but none was able to help.

She was about to give up when she heard a little voice scream her name behind her. There was no doubt about who it belonged to. The little girl ran from the unknown woman who was beside her and jumped in Lothiriel's arms.

“You're back!”

“I am happy to see you too, Valyh'. I hope you didn't feel too much alone.”

“No! Athlen and Mira took care of me, and there are a few children I can play with. Cullen also plays sometimes. But I still missed you very much.”

“Wait. Cullen? As in _Commander_ Cullen?” The kid nodded. The news was both surprising and comforting. She was glad he tried to get to know Valyhris even though they were just beginning to see each other. And knowing that he was keeping an eye on her while she was away was also reassuring.

“But who is Mira?”

“That would be me, your Worship.” A tall and slim elf, around twenty years old, was now standing in front of her. Her hair were so blond she couldn't tell if they looked more yellow or white, and her big eyes appeared to be of a dark grey. Her skin was so pale it was almost as white as snow, contrasting with the black lines of her vallaslin.

“I must confess I am very surprised to see a Dalish here.”

“I was called by Sister Leliana and Ambassador Josephine to take care of Valyhris in your absence. Of course, should you not be satisfied with my service, someone else of your own choosing could replace me.”

“Forgive me but I have trouble understanding how they managed to convince your Keeper to let you go just to babysit a random kid.”

“I exiled myself a year ago for... personal reasons. Ambassador Josephine thought you would like your niece to keep learning about the Dalish ways even though you now both live here, and they asked me. I heard the Inquisition welcomed everyone with no regard for their race, so I quickly agreed.”

Her story made sense. And she was pretty sure Leliana wouldn't engage someone without looking into their background first. She was curious about the personal reasons that had led her to leave her clan, but for once, was polite enough to keep her questions to herself.

“I trust Josephine and Leliana with their choice. Valyhris, are you happy with Mira?”

“Yes! We do a lot of things, and she sings too.”

“If Valyhris feels good with you, then it should be alright. Please don't hesitate to scold her if needed. The last thing I want is for her to become spoiled.” The elf nodded. The silence was about to become awkward when Leliana arrived.

“I'm sorry to disturb Inquisitor, but there is something I must tell you.” Lothiriel explained to Valyhris that she still had some work to do, which resulted in the kid furiously pouting, and let her leave with Mira. She never sulked for long anyway.

“Leliana. Is something wrong?”

“On the contrary. We received news from your Clan. They are all safe now, and they should be for some time. The Marchers did have in mind to invade Wycome and kill all the elves but they didn't dare attack when they saw our banners. Josephine's ambassador successfully convinced them that everything had been caused by red lyrium and that it was one of Corypheus's tools. Not only did they leave the city, but they also donated to the Inquisition large sums of money as well as fine mounts. And more importantly, your Keeper as well as a city elf are now part of the new City Council.”

She couldn't believe her ears. Her clan was living inside the City and even more surprising, Keeper Deshanna was on the City Council... That certainly was a first in history, and she hoped it was a sign that the world was changing at last. Did this mean that there was a chance for the elves to be fully accepted one day?

“This is... extraordinary. I can't believe sending our men led to this. With elves installed on the Council, chances are humans and elves will be treated equally there.”

“I suppose so. Here is the report. I expect you will receive a letter from your Keeper soon.” Leliana handed the report and left quietly. Now alone, she read it and was astonished to see that it was indeed real. After all their struggles, they had finally found some peace. She prayed Mythal for Wycome to become an example followed by many other cities or even countries.

“Daydreaming? If you're so tired, you should just go to bed.” Athlen, talking to her in elven.

“Now that you're here, it is more of a nightmare.” He pinched her nose in response and they both sat on a bench nearby.

“I heard the Clan is safe.”

“Yes. I was just told by Leliana. Here is the report if you want to read it.” He took it and quickly glanced at it. He looked just as relieved as she was.

“It's good. I was so upset when Keeper Deshanna asked me to come here. I know it was for Valyhris's sake but I kept telling myself that any hunter could have traveled with her. It is my duty to protect the Clan, I wanted to stay and fight if necessary. I was so afraid they wouldn't make it. And now look at that! The City Council...” He said those last words as if he was talking about the worst joke ever, and it made them both laugh. After a few seconds of comfortable silence, he now looked like he had something to say but didn't know how.

“Come on, just tell me.”

“Your Commander saw me practice the other day and asked me if I wanted to lead a group of men after training them with my methods.”

“Seriously?! Why are you making this face, isn't that great?”

“It's quite an interesting offer, but now that Valyhris is safe here, with people to take care of her, I wonder if maybe I should go back and be with the Clan.” _Oh._ It was true that he had stayed in Skyhold for quite some time, even though they didn't have the opportunity to catch up because of her responsibilities.

“Well... I would lie if I said that I wouldn't miss you. We didn't get to spend much time together since you arrived so if it was just up to me, I would tell you to stay and accept the Commander's offer. But that is a choice only you can make.” He seemed to be even more confused than he was before.

“Maybe you should remember that the Clan is safe now. But it won't be for long if we don't stop Corypheus. The way I see it, the Inquisition needs you more than the Clan needs you at the moment. _I_ need you more.” She got up and put a kiss on his forehead as she so often did and left him think on it alone. It was a tough decision he had to make, and she wouldn't be of any help.

***

She fought the urge to run to Cullen's office and walked to her own room instead. She wanted to see him very badly – having to leave Skyhold right after they shared their first kiss had been way harder than she had imagined – but she knew she had to be reasonable. He was probably working. Maybe he wasn't even in his office, maybe he was out training recruits or something.

She closed the door separating her wing from the great hall and sighed out of desperation after putting her back against the door and shutting her eyes. On one hand, she was still beyond excited about this relationship but on the other hand, she was completely depressed by the fact that their positions in the Inquisition was a constraint preventing them to see each other freely.

“That was a big sigh.” _That_ was just alarming. Now, she was hearing his voice even when he wasn't there. Wasn't imagining things the first step to madness? Maybe she should just go to him before she became entirely crazy.

“Are you ignoring me?” It sounded so real though. Her imagination wasn't _that_ good. What if... She opened her eyes and looked up. Her heart missed a beat or two when she saw who was standing before her in the poorly lit corridor, the torches beside the door being the only source of light.

She couldn't even control her face muscles and was now smiling from ear to ear. She tried to keep her excitement to herself by biting her lower lip but it was of no use. He took her hand in his and gently brought her to his chest. Never in her life before had a hug been so comforting. She enjoyed the warmth of his collar fur and his arms as if she would freeze to death if she didn't.

“Leliana was hard on us, asking you to leave Skyhold so soon after... You know. Of course work should always come first but-”

She looked up and rose on the balls of her feet to put a delicate kiss on his lips and make him stop. What she hadn't planned but happened nonetheless was for the tension between them to grow more intense in the minute. And he was the first one to yield. He pushed her against the wall – not against the door thankfully, that would have probably given them away to all the people on the other side – and kissed her.

His passion filled the corridor and her own body grew hot. She answered the kiss with as much ardor in an attempt to make up for lost time but it wasn't enough. Just as last time, she wanted more. She didn't know if it was reasonable but at the moment, she didn't really care and him neither.

They were about to head to her room when the door opened, slowly enough to give them time to part and pretend that they were simply talking. She swiftly wiped her lips and passed a hand through her hair in a natural motion to erase any evidence of making out.

“Valyhris!”

“You're here! With Cullen too! Can we go play?!” She would have gently refused but Cullen saw it as a chance of getting out of here without looking suspicious.

“I was actually looking for you. How about you go get your sword? You owe me a rematch, remember.” The little girl's eyes shone in expectation and she ran up the stairs at the speed of light, followed by Mira.

“I hope this sword you're talking about is not a real one...”

“Of course not, it is a wooden one. I am pretty sure she loves it.” He put a strand of hair behind her ear with an apologetic look.

“I wish we could find enough time for us. If we go on like this, I will miss you even when you are here.” Those words were making her heart beat a little bit too fast for her own good. She grabbed his hand which was still on her cheek and kissed it. She was glad he didn't have his gloves on for once.

“We might need to become more resourceful.” He laughed softly but quickly put his hand away when he heard Valyhris's steps. The funniest thing was that he immediately put on his work mask, and made it look like they were having a professional conversation.

“I will see what I can do. Last thing but not least, Leliana and I were able to decipher those letters written by the red lyrium smugglers you sent us. They led us to the Empire du Lion where we now have men investigating. I will get back to you once I know more.” He gave her a sorry look as if he wanted to say _'would have told you earlier but we were kind of busy'_.

“Good. That is... excellent news.” There was a silence during which Valyhris, who had been waiting between the two of them, was looking at them, clearly not understanding a word but well-educated enough to not disturb. To get away from this awkward moment, she crouched to be at the kid's level.

“That's a great sword you have here, pouty face. Have fun, alright? And more importantly, win the fight, even if it's just a game.”

“I thought participating was more important than winning.”

“Lies. Participating is fun only if you win. Have you ever seen me lose against Athlen?”

“He told me he lets you win so you don't be grumpy.”

“... Lies. Now go play. And don't be nice!”

Cullen was looking at her in astonishment, wondering what kind of education that was. Mira, Cullen and Valyhris got out and she closed the door behind them. She rested her back against the door for a few seconds, just as she had been doing before she was interrupted by Cullen, and thought about what just happened.

Seeing him here had been the biggest surprise but she liked it. She wished she could have asked how long he had been waiting for her though. Biting her lower lip to stop herself from stupidly grinning, she finally went up to take a bath and rest, and think about ways to get more time with Cullen in the future.

 


	30. Maddox driven mad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After finding a lead concerning Samson whereabouts, Cullen, Cassandra, Varric and Lothiriel leave for the Shrine of Dumat hoping to catch him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cullen's POV at the end :) With little touches of soft NSFW

When Lothiriel had wished for more time with Cullen, traveling with him to the Shrine of Dumat in order to stop Samson had not been what she had in mind and yet, here they were. Cassandra and Varric were also with them, the first one for support (she was the only one among her traveling companions to know about Cullen's withdrawal from lyrium) and the second for his knowledge on red lyrium.

Cullen had stayed mostly silent the whole way, still digesting the news he had received from the Empire du Lion. The Inquisition's men had not only destroyed the mines but also intercepted a few letters and orders explaining how the lyrium was made so quickly and revealing the existence of a red lyrium armor Samson always wore.

Because she had seen it in the hypothetical future, she wasn't surprised to read that the Red Templars were making red lyrium from people. Cullen, on the other hand, was shocked to learn that Samson himself was behind it. All he had in mind ever since was to put an end to him and to his monstrous actions.

They had talked about it with Leliana and Josephine and had all agreed on the fact that these information were crucial, and that they needed to act now for them to be useful. Dagna, the very new arcanist living in Skyhold, had started working on something to destroy the magical armor but she needed more details about it to complete her work. And the best way to get those was to find Maddox, the tranquil who had built Samson's armor. Their investigation on his location had led them straight to the Shrine of Dumat, which was now just in front of them.

Strangely enough, even though they were at the entrance, no one was there to attack them. When they opened the doors, all the supplies crates and tents were in fire, and the walls were covered in red lyrium.

“Maker tell me he hasn't fled...”

“At least he left us a welcome gift.” Red Templars were coming out of everywhere, roaring like beasts. They were quite a lot of them, even a hideous behemoth, but they defeated them all without too much difficulty. Red lyrium certainly gave them a hard carapace but it also slowed them down and reduced their precision.

“Cullen, are you alright?” She had to ask. Being near so much lyrium, wether it was blue or red, couldn't be easy. The vein on his forehead was showing just as always when he felt unwell because of his withdrawal. This was the reason why she had asked Cassandra to come with them out of all people.

“Don't push yourself, Commander. The three of us will be enough to search the place.”

“I am fine. This is actually a good exercise.” He tried to smile but all could see it was fake. Varric, who hadn't been told about his condition, seemed to understand right away but kept silent. In an attempt to change the subject, Cullen opened the doors to the inside of the temple. Red lyrium was also growing on the walls covered with templars tapestries, tinting the light red. All the furnitures were in pieces, either broken or burnt.

“Samson must have ordered his templars to sack his headquarters so we couldn't.” She agreed.

“He knew we were coming. He's probably far from here now.” They all sighed at the same time. All this journey for nothing. But to her surprise, Cullen was the one to stay optimistic.

“Still. We've dealt him a blow and we can search the place freely, save what we can. If he left precipitately, he may have forgotten things behind.” He was right. There was still a chance for them to find something that could be useful to Dagna, notes or even a small piece of armor, materials that were used.

While they were looking around all the rooms for clues, she kept glancing at Cullen to check on him. He was stronger than most but everyone had a breaking point. Being surrounded by so much lyrium couldn't be good for him, and she worried. She wanted him to accept the fact that he wasn't feeling well, but she couldn't keep him away from this either. Finding Samson wasn't only about the Inquisition, it was also personal.

The four of them pushed the heavy doors that led to the great hall and what they found there was completely unexpected.

“Maddox.” She turned to Cullen, searching for a possible explanation, but he was just as lost as she was. “Something is wrong, I'll send for the healers-”

“That would be a waste, _Knight-Captain_ Cullen. I drank my entire supply of blightcap essence. It won't be long now.” For someone who was about to die, he seemed so... at peace.

“We only wanted to ask questions.”

“That is exactly what I couldn't allow. I destroyed the camp with fire. We all agreed it was best. Our deaths ensured Samson had time to escape.” Cullen crouched to be at Maddox's level and ask the question they all wanted the answer to.

“You threw your lives away? For _Samson_? Why?”

“Samson saved me even before he needed me. He gave me purpose again. I... wanted to... help.” His head tilted before he fell in Cullen's arms, dead. He gently laid the body on the floor and closed his eyes.

“We cannot leave him here. We will bring him back to Skyhold, he deserves a funeral.” She put a hand on his shoulder – she wished she could do more but with Varric and Cassandra there, her options were limited – and turned around to check the room.

“Maddox may have missed something. Let's look around.” Near what used to be a bed, lyrium bottles were spread on the floor, licked clean. It seemed to irritate Cullen.

“Drinking it, wearing it, even growing it – you can't say Samson isn't committed. His resistance to lyrium must be extraordinary.”

They searched the remaining rooms carefully, and actually found some of Maddox's tools. They weren't intact, but in good shape enough for Dagna to study them.

“If these were used to make Samson's armor, then maybe Dagna could use them to unmake it.” She wanted to believe it too. If they could destroy Samson's armor, then they would be able to defeat him, and Corypheus would lose his general. Forcing Samson to change his headquarters was already a victory in itself, but if what they had just found actually proved useful, then it would be even more than a simple victory.

“Come on, let's leave this place.”, Varric said after tapping Cullen's back. She waited for him to pick Maddox up and they all left the place for good.

 

They reached the nearest Inquisition's camp before nightfall, and it was decided that a small group of soldiers would leave at dawn to bring Maddox's body to Skyhold, where he would get a proper burial. They dined early around the fire in silence, aware of the bitter taste of their victory.

Suddenly, but quietly, Cullen got up and walked away from the camp. Cassandra was about to follow him, probably to bring him support or check on his health, but she was stopped by Varric.

“He just needs some time alone, Seeker.” Knowing perfectly that he was right, she sat back and sighed. With Cullen gone, the tension was mostly dispelled and they started talking a little bit more, especially thanks to Varric and his great sense of humor. As usual, Cassandra pretended to be disgusted and tired by it while Lothiriel laughed her head off.

“Well... If you will excuse me, I think I'll go for a swim, wash off a little.” This camp was very conveniently situated near a pond that was used by the few soldiers guarding the camp to stay clean. They had even put a few torches on the bank around it. It was perfect for a night swim.

***

His head still hurt a little from being so close to red lyrium. He tried to massage his temples but nothing worked. Only time would heal him, as usual. His headache didn't stop him from overthinking though.

He had trouble understanding why Maddox had felt the need to sacrifice himself. How could anyone stay so loyal to Samson? He wished they could have done this without loosing an innocent life, but he knew it was the price of war. Maddox's death had been the price to pay to get closer to Samson.

The worst part was that he couldn't help but feel guilty. Had he stood up to Meredith sooner in Kirkwall, maybe Samson wouldn't have been thrown out of the Order and Maddox wouldn't have been made tranquil. Others would have taken their place in Corypheus's army, but because if was them in particular, he was touched by this war in a more personal way.

He heard steps not far and instinctively looked to check who or what it was. _Lothiriel_. Seeing her was enough to put a smile on his tired face. He hesitated to call for her – they had been traveling together but had been offered absolutely no time alone with Cassandra and Varric always around – but gave up when he saw her take her jacket off, making him forget everything he had in mind until now.

She slowly but surely took her clothes off near one of the torches she had just lighted up, giving him a perfect view on her body. He first looked away but the temptation was too strong, and he ended up watching her every moves. He felt bad for doing so, but not enough to stop. He already had to fight against his lyrium cravings, he didn't have the strength to fight against his desire for her.

It was the first time he saw her undressed and the view was mesmerizing. He was surprised by her curves and her muscular body; her armor hid those kind of things. The way she walked to the pond was so delightful with her long elvish legs carrying her weight elegantly and her hips balancing from one side to the other, highlighting her beautifully curved bottom.

She diving in gave him a few seconds of rest. But his heart began another race when she went back up to the surface. Her long untied and wet hair gave her an enchanting look, like a mermaid coming to get him. And he was lost. Had she truly been a mermaid, he would have jumped in the sea without remorse. The moon played its part perfectly by illuminating the pond with its soft blue light, and reflecting on her shiny breast.

Before he knew it, he was walking down the hill he was sitting on and walking to the shore where he stood for a moment, wondering if he should really join her.

“Fenedhis! WHO- Oh. Cullen. You scared me!” She instinctively put her arms around her body to cover herself before hiding in the water, but it didn't break the spell she had unconsciously put on him. He didn't say a word and started to take his armor off methodically, even folded his shirt and trousers before getting in the water.

Knowing where this was going and loosing all signs of shyness, she got up again and waited for him to swim to her and join her at the center of the moon's reflection. The moment he got close enough, he took her by her waist and neck and kissed her passionately. The water was cold but their bodies – especially his – were both hot enough to keep them warm.

Not being able to touch her the past few days even though they had been so close had been a torture, and finally letting it go was a liberation. His hands immediately reached for her bottom, which he caressed and played with before he lifted her and moved until the rocks were right behind her. He had longed her for so long, he wasn't sure he could stop now.

His lips let go of hers and went for her chin, her neck, her shoulder. There wasn't a part of her he didn't want to embrace. Now that there was something to hold her from behind, he got even closer and gently crushed his body against hers, hugging her with all he had, making her feel how much he needed her.

“Ar isala ma.” There was no need for her to translate. He knew exactly what she meant, and he wanted her too. He kissed her on the lips again, softer this time. His fingers caressed her skin everywhere they could, but they ultimately lingered on her firm breast. They were the perfect size for his hand, fitting as if they had been tailored for it, for him.

Her breath near his ear intensified and encouraged him to go on. His other hand ventured further down to play with another sensitive spot. She sank her nails into his skin in his back, making him grunt in a mix of pleasure and pain. Her expression changed to show pleasure but even though he found it to be a very pleasant sight, he buried his face in the hollow of her neck to inhale her delicious and natural perfume.

She made a move to help his own personal sword grow but he stopped her. Her caresses and his playing had been enough for him to be ready. He grabbed her thighs to lift her and help her be steady, but couldn't go any further in his enterprise as he was stopped in the most unpleasant way. _**Again**_. Except that this time, they had gone so far already that being disturbed was much more infuriating.

“Inquisitor, forgive me for troubling you during your swim, but we just received very important news about the Seekers' whereabouts and I cannot find the Commander.” He looked at her with a pleading look, asking her not to answer, to let it go. But she didn't. Or more exactly, she couldn't.

“I will be there in a minute, Cassandra. The Commander must be around somewhere, he will come back eventually. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself, don't worry.” The Seeker, who had been polite enough to stay far enough from the pond to not be able to see, went back to the camp and left them alone again.

“Why? Why must we _always_ be interrupted?”

“Maybe one of your admirers cursed us.”

“What admirers?”

“You're not even aware of the effect you have on women – _and_ some men –, are you?” He shrugged his shoulders and sighed, depressed and crushed by the return to reality after this waking dream.

“I am sorry. But you know Cassandra, she would have come to look for me if I hadn't answered.” There was a silence during which she put all of his curly hair back into place.

“Maybe you should _really_ go for a walk... If we both arrive at the same time with wet hair, Varric will _never_ leave us alone, trust me. And... You might not be presentable yet.” She pointed down with her index to the proof of his strong desire.

He put a kiss on her lips and let her leave, but not without grabbing her bottom one last time. He stayed in the cold water to cool down for a few minutes before he got out to dry. He couldn't believe it. With everything they were doing for Thedas, didn't they deserve some peace and quiet, some time for themselves?

Why were they so unlucky?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm torturing myself with this chapter. T_T  
> Does that make me a masochist?


End file.
